You may have heard of the writting of J-girl before. If not, then you have now. This is her parody of the Lord of The Rings caracters, put into a very different situation to what they would be used to. Enjoy.
I just had to do this. I don't know how it works in other countries, but
this'll be run the way BB is in Australia- contestants nominate 3 possible
evictees on Tuesday night, starting Tuesday next. Audiences need votes to me
by PM by Sunday night, 9pm Imladris time. Evictions at 9:30 pm.
move into the house, equipped with 2 bedrooms of 6 beds
each, 2 communal showers (hey!) Backyard with swimming pool and one huge
rumpus room and open kitchen.
Trouble starts almost immediately with the discussion on who will sleep in
not sleeping in the same room as Saruman! Or Gollum! Or Boromir!
(Clutches the ring to himself) Strider, don't make me!
Frodo, you ass, Boromir's not even here. He didn't meet the
FRODO: And bloody Gollum did?
GOLLUM: It's Smeagol, my love!
FRODO: He's got a split personality!
ARAGORN: So do you! Maybe if we asked Big Brother-
This is Big Brother. Contestants will sleep where they are told.
The sleeping arrangements will be thus: Bedroom One- Aragorn, Legolas,
Faramir, Eowyn, Pippin and Merry. Bedroom Two: Frodo, Sam, Gandalf, Saruman,
Gimli and Gollum. Thankyou.
AND EOWYN: Yay!!
GIMLI: (In utter distress) I'm not having it. I'm not. Legolas and I share a
room! That's all there is to it!
Intercom: This is Big Brother. Gimli to the diary room.
(Gimli huffs off.)
we know you are attached to Legolas. However, arrangements have
already been made. Big Brother is prepared to allow you and Legolas to share
a room after the first contestant has been evicted. Until then any excessive
whinging against Big Brother is hurting your reputation with your peers and
may lead to BB evicting you. Is that clear?
s'pose so. But I get the bed near the window! (He runs off to claim
back in the bedroom.He finds Frodo has taken 'his' bed and is
busy unpacking about five books.
GIMLI: Oi. That's my bed.
eyebrows in surprise, but without saying a word, takes all his
things and moves into the only remaining bed in the room, between Saruman
SAM: Now, Gimli, I don't think that's fair-
GIMLI: Oh, you're five feet away from him. Pipe down.
in the other room Faramir and Aragorn are discussing the use of
their communal bedside table.
I don't want to be a pain, Faramir, but your Buddha woodcut is
taking up the whole surface of this table.
FARAMIR: Where else am I going to put it?
ARAGORN: I don't know. Somewhere else. Go on, get it off!
puts the idol at the foot of the bed. Walking past, Legolas trips
LEGOLAS: S***! My toe!
FARAMIR: You see?
knocks Aragorn's Inside Sport magazines to the floor and puts
Buddha back on the table.)
FARAMIR: Oops. How did that get there?
After unpacking the housemates quarrel about dinner. After some
investigation of the ingredients in the house, Gimli declares everyone's
getting "Meat and taters or nothing!"
No, Gimli, you old ass! Give that here! Why have meat-and-taters
when you can have Braised steak and scalloped potatoes au gratin?
FRODO: (Clumsily trying to joke) What's for breakfast? Caviar?
Legolas takes offence and stomps off.
Legsie, come back here! We love your cooking!
SARUMAN: Will not the wisest, the most heroic and- dare I say it, the
sexiest Elf in Middle Earth provide our nourishment?
a bit worried. But he also comes back, a bit relieved to find he
Can I lick the beaters?
LEGOLAS: There are no beaters, Pip.
surprisingly, has been taking all this rather coolly, until he sees
Legolas putting the steak into the frying pan. Then he flips.)
GOLLUM: No!!! Stupid elfses, spoiling nice sweet meat!
plays it much cooler than Sam could ever do. He nonchalantly throws
a steak on the floor, where Gollum eats it without even his hands.)
Legolas, make him stop!
LEGOLAS: Calm down! It stopped him whining, didn't it?
delicious dinner and much praise to Legolas, who has now practically
ensured his sojourn for at least 2 weeks, the housemates settle down to
amuse themselves. Merry, Pippin and Aloysius play chess.)
Checkmate! Aloysius beat you again, Merry!
MERRY: Aloysius is a bloody cheat! (Tries to grab Aloysius. Pippin runs
GANDALF: Fool of a Took! Shut up!
Sam and Frodo are talking in what they fondly believe is a dark
don't think I can do this, Sam.
SAM: Of course you can. You're as strong as they come, Fro. And Gollum will
be out on his ear'ole next week, you can bet on it.
FRODO: I hope so. (Sees a strange movement under Sam's blankets) Sam, what
are you...oh... (Claps a hand over his mouth in astonishment.) Sam, the
Sam goes beet red. The movement ceases.
SAM: I forgot 'em, sir.
FRODO: Well in any case, don't do that when I'm talking to you!
DAY 2, CHALLENGE DAY
(Thursday, that is.)
the contestants are called to the living room where the
first challenge is announced. They are given 6 simulated babies to be cared
for for a space of 24 hours. Not only that, but BB chooses the pairs...)
will be as follows. Aragorn and Merry. Frodo and Eowyn. Faramir
and Saruman. Pippin and Gollum. Gimli and Legolas. Sam and Gandalf.
EVERYONE ELSE: S***!
babies must be cared for and catered for. If you neglect them or
abuse them they will tell on you. At least one parent must be within three
feet of the baby at all times. They must be given names. You will find
basinettes and baby things out on the porch. Each of you will be graded out
of five for loving care and diligence, and pass-or-fail on neglect, abuse
and the three-foot rule. All contestants must score at least 3 out of 5 and
obtain three passes for you to pass. If you pass, next week's budget is 600
dollars. If you fail, it is 300. Please choose your babies. Your first
choice is final.
(For a long
time nobody chooses a baby, not wanting to seem to eager.
Finally Aragorn takes a deep breath and picks up a baby boy- by the arm. The
baby starts screaming and Aragorn hastily dumps it in Merry's lap.)
much of a father, are you?
ARAGORN: That's why I'm giving him to you, Mama!
one the housemates choose. Frodo, resignedly, is next, choosing a
baby boy and offering it first to Eowyn, who pretends she doesn't see his
gesture. With a sigh he sits down and hugs Baby Baggins in silence. Pip
doesn't dare show his baby girl to Gollum. Faramir, because Saruman was last
in choosing, is much annoyed to find he has a girl.)
Dammit! I wanted an heir!
GANDALF: Get a grip, Faramir, it's a doll.
the naming of the babies. Aragorn and Merry have a heated
discussion, as Aragorn is set on Sebastian Arathorn, and Merry likes
Christopher. Finally they settle on Alex, son of Aragorn, Heir of Elendil.
Frodo names his and Eowyn's son Zac, without her objecting. Faramir insists
on Tinuviel, which Saruman couples with the unlikely middle name of
Sarumina. Gimli and Legolas go for Celebrianne, for their daughter, Legolas
narrowly outvoting Galadrielle. Gollum, suddenly taking an interest in HIS
baby, insists on calling her 'Precious,' and Pippin, who is getting quite
clucky, agrees with him. Gandalf finally acquiesces to Sam's wish to call
their son Cotton. Sam is much put out, because he wanted a girl. He actually
tries to do a trade with Faramir, but gets told off by Big Brother about
gather the babies' things and put babies Cotton, Zac,
Celebrianne, Precious, Tinuviel Sarumina and Alex, Son of Aragorn, Heir of
Elendil in the living room. Suddenly every baby begins squawking at the same
time. The housemates are busy for some time.)
(Later Frodo leaves Zac with Eowyn and slinks into the diary room.)
hate this place! Eowyn hasn't done a single thing all day. She
makes me do it all on my own. I've got... what would you have it... queer
suspicions about Sam. And Saruman and Gollum are trying to kill me, I know
it! Oh I can't handle-
(Sudden bang on the door.)
Zac's crying and I can't make him stop!
FRODO: Oh, brother!
shaky start, fatherhood seems to suit Aragorn. He sits on the
lounge, 'feeding' his heir.)
ARAGORN: How's my bubby? Aren't you the sweetest itty bitty thing?
(Walking by and coming dangerously close to a 'fail' in abuse on
the screaming Tinuviel) Oh, please. You're making me ill.
Sam has practically gone single parent, since Gandalf gives no
real help but plenty of useless advice. Sam works doggedly and
energetically. It's unclear whether he's enjoying parenthood, but he never
tells off Gandalf for not helping. Once Gollum gets his hands on Precious,
he holds her gently but firmly over his shoulder, retreating into a corner
and rocking her, making gurgling crooning noises in his throat.)
Gand-alf! Make Gollum share Precious! She's my baby too!
GOLLUM: No! Silly hobbitses! Nasssty hobbitses, doesn't know how to look
after babies, no it doesn't!
as the housemates are trying to get some sleep that night, Pippin,
lying with half-closed eyes, feels something laid gently on the pillow
beside his head.)
It can have Precious for a bit, yes it can. Then we sees what
nasssty hobbitses know about babies, we does!
DAY 3, FRIDAY.
(At 3 am, Precious starts crying. Gollum runs to grab her but Pippin is
quickest, grabs her and runs down the hall. The house is in quite an uproar
for some time. In the midst of this Aragorn slinks into the diary room.)
Umm... OK. I have to get this off my manly Numenorean chest... I...
am sexually attracted to Eowyn. Which is a comfort, really, since the rest
of us are all lads. But there's just too much sexual tension between us, and
Faramir will kill me if he finds out. I'm really in a fix about this!
morning the housemates awaken to find the babies have been
'abducted' by Big Brother during the night. Gollum is inconsolable.)
faces another challenge- communal showers. He emerges from
the bathroom practically in tears.)
it! I'm showering in my underwear from now on! And I am never,
never ever showering with the Numenorean Sex God again!
(Aragorn comes out behind him, wrapped in a towel.)
ARAGORN: Aw, come on, Fro, I wasn't making a comp-
FRODO: Aragorn, I'm three-and-a-half foot tall! Everything's relative!
(They are called to the living room before breakfast.)
is Big Brother. It's time to announce the results of yesterday's
challenge. You have failed. This week's budget will be $200. Individual
results will be available in the diary room in ten minutes. Sam to the diary
(Sam, looking rather scared, scurries off.)
this concerns your comments to Frodo yesterday about Gollum being
evicted. You know this is not allowed, as it counts as an attempt to
SAM: Sorry. I didn't mean to.
BB: Big Brother has no doubts that you did not mean to conspire. But because
this has happened so early, there will be no in-house voting this week, and
the audience will choose whoever they please to be evicted on SUNDAY COMING.
Please take this warning seriously. If you do it three times you will be
back and explains the situation to everyone, and carries the
individual results which Legolas takes off him to read aloud.)
OK, here goes. Frodo. TLC- 4. Passes on all three accounts. Sam.
TLC- 4. Passes on all three accounts. Merry, you got 3 on TLC, but you
failed the three-foot rule.
MERRY: I couldn't take her into the bathroom with me!
LEGOLAS: Pip got the same as Sam and Frodo. Gollum. TLC 5 (Everyone gasps)
and passes on all three accounts. Aragorn, TLC 5, but you failed the
three-foot rule. Faramir. TLC 2. You failed in abuse AND the three-foot
LEGOLAS: Eowyn got 1 for TLC and failed the three-point rule AND neglect.
Big Brother have noted on the sheet that if it had been a real baby they'd
have called Community Services.
FARAMIR: Why, those-
LEGOLAS: Gandalf got a 1 for TLC but passed everything else. Saruman, you
got 3 for TLC and passed everything else. Gimli, my love, you and I both got
4 for TLC, but I have failed us in the three-point rule.
Uh, who passed again?
LEGOLAS: Frodo, Sam, Gollum, Gimli, Saruman, and you, Pip!
GANDALF: Who'd ha' thunk?
FARAMIR: I didn't abuse my baby!
FRODO: Faramir, you dropped her on the floor.
the day Faramir and Aragorn go for a swim. It is difficult to tell
who is wearing the skimpier briefs. Eowyn lounges by the pool in a bikini.
Merry dabbles his feet in the water, but the other hobbits stay away.)
in the kitchen Legolas, Saruman and Gandalf are cookin' up a
storm. Frodo watches Saruman carefully. G and S have a furious argument over
whether shallots should be added to Pumpkin Soup. Finally Gandalf declares
Saruman's wooden spoon broken and the shallots go in.)
(Meanwhile, Gollum has retreated into a corner where the housemates don't
believe the cameras can see them. His blubbering becomes obvious and Pippin
goes to investigate.)
What's up, Smeagol?
GOLLUM: Nasssty cruel Big Brother! We hates it! We hates it forever!
PIPPIN: Is this because they took away Precious?
GOLLUM: We wasn't hurting it! We wasn't, no precious!
Pippin gives Gollum his shoulder to cry on and he does, gurgling
loudly. Sam blunders in with 'Pippin, have you seen my-' but then realising,
retreats in silence.)
DAY 4, SATURDAY.
(At 2 am, Merry goes to the kitchen for a glass of water. Eowyn is sitting
on the lounge, sniffling.)
are you OK?
(Gives her a hobbit-hug. Eowyn sniffles on his shoulder.) MERRY: Do you want
to talk about it?
(Eowyn shakes her head)
MERRY: You want me to go away?
(Eowyn shakes her head again.)
morning, at 6 sharp, Pippin is awoken by Gollum, who puts a plate
of fried fish under his nose.
Nice hobbitses! Morning! Smeagol brings nice hobbit lovely, sweet
fishes, yess! And we knows it doesn't like fish raw, so we cooked it!
looks positively ill at the prospect of fried fish for breakfast,
but worries them down so as not to offend Gollum and ends up with a shocking
headache the rest of the day.)
as threatened, showers in his underwear. Aragorn and Faramir go in
together, and when they come out Faramir is heard to mutter "It's not fair!
The water out of my faucet was colder than yours!")
the day the shopping list is compiled by Sam. Everybody checks the
list and approves it, but Eowyn objects.)
something else I need, Samwise.
SAM: (Sweet innocence!) What's that?
EOWYN: Yeah. Those things you-
SAM: I know what tampons are!
EOWYN: Better order a couple of boxes. I'm having my period next week.
FARAMIR: I hope.
traumatised, goes to the bedroom to recover. Pippin is
lying on Gimli's bed recovering from his fried fish hangover, because
Legolas is in his own room listening to the Backstreet Boys. Frodo is lying
on his own bed, looking blankly up at the ceiling neurotically.)
relative, everything's relative...
SAM: Still knawing on that old bone, Frodo?
FRODO: For Eru's sake, Sam, please don't mention bones to me.
PIPPIN: Nor me neither. I've had one stuck in my throat since breakfast!
DAY 5, SUNDAY
(That morning, Faramir saves a spot for Eowyn, but she sits next to Merry.
He glares at them, but they ignore him. Faramir gets sweet, sweet revenge
after lunch when Merry walks into his room to find Faramir, Legolas and
Aragorn having a manly competition as to who can blow up his condoms into
the most interesting shapes.)
MERRY: You ****!
at Faramir, but Aragorn has a better idea. He picks up Faramir's
Buddha and chucks it out the window where it splinters into the rockery.)
ARAGORN: So we'll call it even.
shrieks from down the hallway. Gollum has given Aloysius a
'makeover' and the result is not becoming.)
found a new way to bait Sam, Eowyn talks to Gimli in the kitchen
while Sam makes Shepherd's Pie for dinner.)
course I found the period that I lived in my uncle's house trying.
That period of my life was a bit of a curse, I must say.
Sam huffs off to work in the garden.
In one of the bedrooms, Gandalf and Frodo have a 'talk.'
I always thought there was much more to you hobbits than meets the
eye. But I think I was wrong. You're just not handling this deal, Frodo.
FRODO: Coming from you? You are in serious denial of staff envy with
GANDALF: Say that again and I will get angry. Then you will see Gandalf the
FRODO: I suppose that will make me feel better!
Sam sets to some fairly energetic gardening in a herb and vegetable
plot that BB have let him set up. He hoes at the dirt a bit too
enthusiastically, and his back seizes up on him. He throws the hoe down and
curses loudly. All the house mates come out to see what's wrong and help him
back into the house. As they are returning the zoom cameras catch Merry
gently touching Eowyn's hand.)
You'd be better off lying on the floor. Hard surfaces, you know.
FARAMIR: It cooks! It cleans! It dances! It has a medical degree! What an
(Legolas looks injured.)
LEGOLAS: I only know because my Dad had trouble with his back when he
started getting on.
SAM: I'm only thirty-eight!
LEGOLAS: Lying flat with your feet up will be the best thing for your back,
Samwise, I'm sure your Gaffer would agree with me.
(Suddenly put in mind of his Gaffer watching him ruin his back, Sam
scrambles to the floor to do what he's told.)
Big Brother- First Eviction
(At 9 pm
the characters gather in the living room with bags firmly packed
again. The air is tense. Nobody has any idea who will be the first to go.)
is Big Brother. It's time to announce this week's eviction. May we
remind you that the evictee has one minute to reach the end fence and be out
of the compound.
(Tensely, Frodo grabs Sam's hand.)
BB: This week's evictee is... Faramir of Gondor.
looks genuinely shocked. Everyone jumps up in dismay and hugs him.
Frodo and Legolas burst into tears. Aragorn grabs his bags and they walk him
across the dark lawn towards the fence, with Eowyn under one arm and Frodo
by his side. As he gets to the fence Faramir wipes away a tear.)
It's... it's been wonderful. I'll never forget it.
MERRY: We'll never forget YOU!
them all in turn, even Gollum. He gives Eowyn a passionate embrace
and gives her his rune necklace. Then Aragorn gives him his bags. There are
tears in his eyes and they hug.)
Whatever I said, I didn't mean it.
FARAMIR: Take care!
(Giving everybody a last wave, he departs.)
stands still for a few moments. Legolas is still crying and
hugging Eowyn, who's started as well. As a final tribute Aragorn yells out,
"Bye, Faramir! We won't forget you, man!")
lost fair and square, honestly.
The Eviction... the Aftermath.
GIMLI, ARAGORN, MERRY and LEGOLAS: Woo-hoo!
the time-delay cameras pick up something that in fast-motion
looks like the Benny Hill show without piano music. First Gimli moves in to
Faramir's old bed. Then Frodo moves into Gimli's old bed. Then Pippin moves
into Frodo's old bed. Then Merry moves into Eowyn's CURRENT bed. Then Sam
moves outside to sleep in a sleeping bag on the porch, claiming 'the beds
are too soft.' Then Frodo moves out with him. Then Aragorn clears out to
sleep on the couch...)
on the porch in his sleeping bag and jim-jams, his head in Sam's
SAM: Wh- when we were waiting to see who would be kicked out you... you held
my hand, sir!
FRODO: Oh, that. I tend to be over-emotional sometimes, Sam. I shan't do it
again if it makes you uncomfortable... is this making you uncomfortable?
(Sam thinks a moment and shakes his head.)
FRODO: OK. Because I know how sensitive you are about people calling you...
SAM: Gay, sir? Why should they? You're far more suspect than me!
FRODO: Oh, I know, but go figure. (Looking through the porch windows.) Why's
Aragorn sleeping on the sofa?
SAM: Merry's in Eowyn's bed. There'll be trouble tomorrow.
FRODO: Faramir's going to bust him one when he gets out of here.
HIGHLIGHTS, DAY 6, MONDAY
up on the floor next to Eowyn's bed, and wonders how he got
there. Everyone else is awake and he goes out to the kitchen. Saruman and
Gandalf are doing the washing up. Aragorn is in the corner playing with a
knife. Frodo, comes out of the shower, a bit more stable after sharing with
ARAGORN: Good morning, everyone except Merry.
(Merry glares at him.)
(A cup of
coffee is sitting on the bench. Frodo, thinking Gandalf is
repenting his angry words the day before by making up to him, takes a
ARAGORN: Frodo, no-
(Sam throws it on the floor where it burns holes in the carpet.)
stares blankly at it)
FRODO: Oh...my...Eru. (Turns to Saruman) I knew you were trying to kill me!
SAM: You ****!
Oh, come on, I am the king of suave. Do you really think poisoning
someone's coffee is my style?
GANDALF: Fair enough.
picks the broken cup up and throws it in the bin, giving a strange
look to Merry.)
MERRY: Um... Pip, how about a game of Chess?
the day Eowyn bails Merry up at the door.)
MERRY: Uh, hello, Eowyn.
EOWYN: Uh, hello? Hello? After you crawled into my bed last night I'd expect
a bit more than hello!
MERRY: Um... hello, darling?
(Frodo goes into the diary room.)
don't care what they say. Saruman must have put whatever was in
that cup to kill me! Though of course Aragorn's pretty mad at Merry. I saw
him scribbling pictures of a hobbit with an axe through his head on the
serviettes before lunch. He hasn't said much, though.
(Merry also finds refuge in the diary room.)
Aragorn's clearly trying to kill me. I've got Pip to agree to
taste everything before I eat it, and Gandalf says he'll make sure Aragorn
stays out of the kitchen. I mean, Aragorn blew Eowyn off, as I remember, and
now his hormones are on the rampage, he wants her back! He can't have it all
Gimli has been put in charge of cleaning the pool, and he is not
thrilled with the job to say the least. He grudgingly stands alone in the
Big Brother! Do I look like The Pool Guy to anybody, or is
this Big Brother's idea of a joke? Grrr!
DAY 7, TUESDAY
(The cameras show everyone sleeps in their own beds on Monday night. Past 3
am, Aragorn gets up and goes to Merry's bed, wielding a knife, but chickens
out and retreats.)
is sunny, and Saruman suggests going outside to eat breakfast
to show appreciation for Gimli's tidying of the pool area. They agree and
congregate with their chairs by the pool.)
OK, can I get a general consensus here? If we were all to stay here
together for 3 months, who do you think would be the first to get cabin
fever and start running around with a knife a la Jack Nicholson in The
GIMLI, ARAGORN, GANDALF, SARUMAN and EOWYN: Frodo.
(Frodo looks offended.)
disagree. I think it would be Aragorn.
MERRY: Of course, it's obvious. You're a Ranger. You don't live in no hole
in the ground like a hobbit does. You need your open air and boundless
plains, yadda yadda. And you're really quite strange socially. You say you
were a lone Ranger in the wild, but I never saw you be anything of the sort.
Even when you walked the Paths of the Dead, you took an entourage!
ARAGORN: Who asked you, slut?
MERRY: You did!
GANDALF: If you two don't stop it, I'll set the both of you on fire!
(They take to sulking.)
Gollum has taken a liking to Aloysius. Pippin is not so sure.)
PIPPIN: No, I think I'll hold Aloysius for a while, Smeagol.
GOLLUM: Why doesn't it like to share the Precious? Why doesn't it?
GANDALF: Strange. I thought Precious was the doll.
FRODO: I thought Precious was the ring!
(Gollum snatches Aloysius)
chair teeters on the edge of the pool and tips. Unfortunately one
of the legs is caught behind the leg of Frodo's chair, and that tips as
well. As it does, Frodo grabs Sam's arm, and in a blink there are 3 hobbits
in the pool.)
SAM: Mr Frodo sir, help me! I'll be drownded!
(Frodo dog-paddles to the side and clings to it, grabbing Pippin who is
splashing madly nearby. Unfortunately Sam is too far out and too panicked to
can you reach the side?
FRODO: Do you think you could dog-paddle over here?
SAM: I can't bloody swim! I'm a Gamgee of Hobbiton for Eru's sake! Save me!
(Aragorn takes off his shirt and jumps in after Sam. Sam, like any
near-drowned non-swimmer, flounders and fights him, swallowing water and
ARAGORN: Sam, if you flounder like that I'm leaving you to drown.
as still as a log, and Aragorn brings him to the side, and all
four get out as quickly as possible.)
least the pool's clean.
PIPPIN: (Guiltily) Uh... not anymore!
to let the happy swimmers have hot showers, so change and rug up
as best they can. Later, Sam sits rugged up in the living room next to the
heater, still pale and shaky after his ordeal. Frodo wanders in.)
SAM: Mr. Frodo, sir, you and I's been friends ever since we was lads, you
could say. You know I love you. But if you ever, ever drag me into the pool
likeways again, I'll kill you, if you take my meaning!
(Frodo listens dispassionately.)
SAM: Oh, all right. With sugar.
I'm nominating Saruman for 2 points because I STILL don't
trust him. Gollum... Gollum isn't really a threat to me at the moment
because he's changed since he met up with Pippin, so I'll leave him at the
moment. For... for 1 point I nominate Gimli, because I think there's a
possibility of him and Legolas forming some sort of alliance- and I suppose
that if one of them has to go, it had best be now and not later.
as I'd like to get back at Frodo by giving him 1 point, I don't
think that would be fair. I'm giving Gimli 2 points because I think it's for
his own good. I don't really think he wants to be here- he's been whinging
since day one. For 1 point I'm nominating Gollum, because after all the pool
incident was his fault!
nominating Aragorn for 2 points: obvious reasons, attempted
murder. And... I know this is going to appear strange- I nominate Eowyn for
1 point. The woman is going to bring this household down. She's dynamite!
I think it wisest that Frodo should go, 2 points. He is far too
delicate for this kind of thing. Of course, I must give my archenemy Saruman
I nominate Sam for 2 points, because Frodo draws strength from him,
and my purpose in here is really to destroy him. For 1 point I nominate
Gandalf, not because he's doing anything to me in here, but I really have to
about the whole ring thing.
I nominate Eowyn for 2 points. It needs an Elf's perception to
understand that she is deliberately playing Aragorn off Merry, and that's a
slutty thing to do in my opinion. For 1 point I nominate Pippin, because
that hobbit and his teddy bear are really getting on my nerves!
I nominate Aragorn for 2 points because I'm really afraid of him,
and Merry for 1 point because I'm really afraid of eating his food every
We nominates the nassssty cruel king, (Aragorn) yess, we doesss! And
we nominates the nassty hobbit (Sam) we hates it forever!
nominate Aragorn, after what Legolas said about cabin fever, though
watching him kill that bed-hopping young halfling could be amusing. I'm
giving Merry 1 point in light of my opinion of him.
nominating Gandalf for 2 points because he's lazy, and Saruman
for 1 point because he's wicked. The both of them are too old and out of
touch to really fit in here, IMHO.
I'm nominating that bloody hobbit for 2 points (Merry.) And I'm
giving Pippin 1 point, because if I have to wake up to him singing,
laughing, talking or screaming at 6 am again I'll destroy him!
(Some time later the housemates are gathered in the living room.)
evening, this is Big Brother. It's time to announce the nominations
this week. This week there are 3: Aragorn, Saruman and Merry. Thankyou.
DAY 8, CHALLENGE DAY
(The housemates wake up the next morning to discover the living room has
been spackled and undercoated. Before anyone can speak the BB intercom
is Big Brother. Your challenge for the next few days is to repaint
the living room. Points will be determined on the basis of teamwork,
artistic talent and quality of work. You will find various paints out on the
porch. You may choose whatever colour you like. Painting will commence at 10
so excited they go out straight away- and fight over the
colours. Saruman wants each wall a different colour. Gandalf likes a muted
'Rose ashes' colour. The hobbits want yellow. Aragorn wants anything BUT
yellow. Eowyn wants baby blue. Legolas and Gimli want green, and Gollum
All RIGHT! I know what we're going to do- we're going to paint half
the walls yellow, the other half baby blue.
GANDALF: Well, I didn't get grey either, live with it.
realising that he has come dangerously close to nomination because
of his laziness, Gandalf organises the painting, handing out cans of paint
and drop-sheets. The hobbits take to one wall, with Aragorn and a ladder.
The others take to an opposite wall with blue.)
Urrgggh! This colour is disgusting!
SAM (heatedly) : Strider, this is the colour of Mr. Frodo's bedroom!
ARAGORN: How do you know?
FRODO: He's quite right, Strider. Do be a chap and shut up.
(Aragorn is halfway up the ladder with the tin in his hand. Suddenly it
teeters a little, and a small quantity of paint falls on Merry's head.)
ARAGORN: Oops. Sorry about that Merry.
MERRY: Gandalf! Can I come over to your team? Aragorn's throwing paint!
GANDALF: Aragorn, we're being scored on teamwork, you fool! Yes, Merry, come
over this way. Saruman, you go help them instead.
and Merry are separated they work steadily and happily on the
whole morning. Only two incidents occur- Legolas tipsover a tin of paint
(luckily on the kitchen floor and not the carpet) and Gandalf slips off the
ladder, unhurt but looking foolish.)
about a song?
LEGOLAS: Shall I sing the lay of Beren and Luthien?
SAM: Erm... I was thinking more along the lines of something popular.
SARUMAN: You know this reminds me of a musical I once saw about a coat of
many colours. It had some great songs- "I look handsome, I look smart, I am
a walking work of art, how I love my coat of many colours..."
GANDALF: No, no, you're doing it wrong. It's 'I look evil, I look keen, I
have the brightest white ever seen, in my dazzling coat of many colours..."
SAM: Actually Legolas, the lay of Beren and Luthien sounds just fine.
starts but has not got far when he is cut off by a piercing squeal
Gandalf! Gollum's eating the paint!
GOLLUM (through yellow ring around his mouth) No, we're not, precious!
GANDALF: Coffee break!
DAY 9, THURSDAY
(Painting recommences from the day before because of bad organisation, but
nobody seems to mind. Things go merrily and smoothly, every so often someone
spicing the conversation with anecdotes from their childhood, even Saruman
and to everyone's surprise Gollum. There is serious male bonding going on
here, and it is very TOUCHING.)
middle of the riotous story of the finding of the Ring Frodo
FRODO (Unsteadily) Uh... Gandalf?
turns around. Frodo is standing with a paintbrush in one hand and
the other to his forehead. He is very pale.)
What is it?
FRODO: This paint... this paint is making me dizzy.
GANDALF: Get you outside then. We're enough here without you and I have the
feeling they will deduct points for swooning-fits.
SAM: I'll be going with him then.
GANDALF: Oh, will you now?
SAM: Mr. Gandalf sir, I know you're a freelance businessman, but I got Rosie
to support when we get out of here, and if I let him wander out there dizzy
and sick-like, he'll fire me!
GANDALF: Oh, all right.
(They go outside. Painting recommences for a few minutes.)
Frodo and Sam are taking a long time, aren't they? I'll go and
see what they're up to, eh?
GANDALF: No, you won't!
MERRY: Well, what will you feel like if I don't go out there and it turns
out they're both lying passed out somewhere, hurt and everything?
GANDALF: I'll take that risk. (Shoves a paintbrush into his hand.) Paint,
PIPPIN: I think he's insulting you, Merry
MERRY: Nah. If he'd insulted me he'd have called me a Took.
MERRY: Hey, Gollum, can I ask you a question?
GOLLUM: A question, eh? It wantsss to assk us a question? Assk us, my love!
MERRY: Out of sheer idle curiosity, what's your last name?
GOLLUM: We doesn't remember, Precious!
MERRY: Aw, come on, that's crap. All hobbits and hobbit-like have last
names. Spill it.
GOLLUM: Macgillicuddy, Precious.
(Merry nearly falls off the ladder laughing. Gollum is offended.)
GOLLUM: If it doesn't stop laughing at poor Smeagol, we eats it!
PIPPIN: Yeah, and I can tell everyone that Merry's middle name is Reginald!
(At this moment Sam comes back in furtively.)
Gandalf, Frodo's been sick on the back steps.
GANDALF: You'll find the hose located in the corner of the garden near your
taters, good and faithful servant!
ARAGORN: Musta been the yellow paint that did it.
(Gandalf takes advantage of his position up the ladder to slap Aragorn
upside the head.)
ARAGORN: Ow! What did you do that for, you grey-bearded loon?
(Later on, Saruman sneaks into the diary room.)
I can't work out what I've done. Everybody hates me. I have no idea
why... (starts to cry) Oh, I've tried to be so good in here! I've washed the
dishes and cooked dinner and said nice things about everybody, and Frodo
still thinks I'm trying to kill him, and...(sniff) and then they vote me
off! I know I'm just a nominee but I think I'm history!
DAY 10, FRIDAY.
(That night Gimli, after working stoically if not imaginatively for the last
2 days, snores loudly for hours on end. Legolas twice gets up to roll him
over on his side without waking him up, but it does no good. Finally
Aragorn, Legolas and Saruman pick Gimli up bed and all and deposit him out
on the porch. They sneak away back to bed, laughing.)
(It is past
nine o'clock and the housemates are up and dressed, waiting for
Saruman to serve them poached eggs on toast, when Gimli wakes up and totters
into the house.)
very funny. Who did that?
ARAGORN: I thought you cleared out yourself to get away from Legolas' tennis
LEGOLAS: Maybe you were sleep-walking.
GIMLI: Sleepwalking and dragging my bed at the same time, huh?
LEGOLAS: It happens.
GIMLI: (Wicked grin) : You'll regret this one, guys. We dwarves are the
masters of practical jokes.
is Big Brother. It's time to announce the results of this week's
challenge. You have passed. This week's budget will be $500. We at Big
Brother will also be providing a quantity of alcohol for today's evening
LEGOLAS: Woo-hoo! Let's get drunk and play Twister.
MERRY: Oh, great! All that psychotic ranger needs now is alcohol!
in one of the bedrooms Pippin and Gollum have invented a grand new
game which involves bouncing up and down on the bed and singing 'Gil-Galad
was an Elven King' when Frodo comes in.)
anyone seen my book?
PIPPIN: What's it look like?
FRODO: It's red. You know, the Red Book.
PIPPIN: Oh. No, Fro, I haven't seen it. (Resumes bouncing. Gollum sings
'Sam's Troll Song.')
FRODO: Gollum, wherever did you learn that?
GOLLUM: Nasssty hobbit taught us, yes precious!
FRODO: O-K. So nobody's seen my book?
PIPPIN and GOLLUM: No.
meal comes around and BB stand by their word. The housemates do
indeed make short work of the alcohol and then play Monopoly.)
Yerrrp, I wanna buy Bag End, Bagshot Row an' Sandyman's Mill.
GIMLI: Yerr crazy. They're the cheapest dives on the board- not
disrespecting you hobbit lot, understand!
that'll be a thousand bucks, Gollum, for landin' on my Lothlorien
with a hotel on it! Mine, you know!
(Gollum burps by way of reply.)
ARAGORN: This game blows. Let's play Poker instead!
DAY 11, SATURDAY
(That evening Gimli goes to the beds of Aragorn, Legolas and Eowyn while
they're sleeping and writes ribald Dwarvish slogans on their faces in big,
black, waterproof marker.)
morning Gollum comes to breakfast wearing what nearly everyone
recognizes as Pippin's hawaiian shirt and shorts.)
Gollum! Been stealing Pippin's kit again?
GOLLUM: No! Silly hobbitses! We asssks! We asssks the nice hobbit!
PIPPIN: That's exactly right. I told him that no-one would be nice to
Smeagol unless he learns to dress proper, and talk nicely, and learn some
table manners. Smeagol, show the nasty hobbits your table manners.
(Gollum looks up at Saruman with a rusty smile)
GOLLUM: We wantsss- m-may Smeagol have eggses for breakfast?
SARUMAN (Cranky due to impending eviction) Do I look like Smeagol's maid,
(Gollum looks heartbroken.)
PIPPIN: You ****! After he was going to reform and all!
GANDALF: (Taking plate from Saruman) Oh, here, have some eggs, Gollum.
(Later after breakfast Merry awkwardly thanks Saruman for the effort.)
Thank you? THANK you? You could have thanked me by not voting me to
be kicked out of this place, you ungrateful ****!
FRODO: We didn't all vote you out.
SARUMAN: I'll bet you did, runt.
FRODO: Do you blame me?
SARUMAN: Listen, I'm only gonna tell you this once more. I'm not interested
in your ring! D'you think I would be? I'm not interested in your bloody
SAM: Don't swear at him!
SARUMAN: Oh, **** off, Fairy!
(Storms out and slams the door with a crash.)
What do you think's eating him?
MERRY: Dunno. If you ask me, he hasn't a chance of being voted out. You'll
go for sure.
ARAGORN: Bite me.
MERRY: Yeah, well, hobbits have got better taste than that. By the way, did
you know you had "I am gay" written on your face in Dwarvish?
runs to a mirror to see, then from afar screams out "Gimli, you
play Mordopoly again, this time sober, and Eowyn rests her head
in Merry's lap in full sight of Aragorn, who merely scowls. It's hard to
look tough with the traces of 'I am gay' in Dwarvish written on your cheek.)
(Later on Eowyn goes to the diary room.)
I don't even know why I'm confessing this here- Faramir will
kill me for sure... but I have to tell someone. Those tampons I bought...
haven't been needed. I think it's Faramir, but Aragorn and I go back a long
way too... I... I have no idea what to do now! And how can I tell poor Sam
next week that I want a pregnancy test? He'd flip!
LOTR Big Brother- Second Eviction.
are gathered quietly in the living room. Sam and Merry are
talking softly. Aragorn is playing with his knife, but Saruman sits on his
own and talks to no-one.)
BB: Good evening. This is Big Brother. It's time for this week's eviction.
(Merry buries his head in Sam's shoulder)
BB: The evictee for this week is... Saruman of Many Colours.
ARAGORN: Oh. my. Eru.
(Merry whistles softly in dismay.
MERRY: Wow. Who'd have seen that one coming?
(Gandalf jumps up and grabs Saruman's luggage.)
Oh, Saruman, what will I do without my adversary? I will miss you
indeed. We all will-
(Saruman waves his hand majestically.)
Gandalf, you and I have known one another for many years. Do not be
a fool now. I know that no-one really wants me here; you have made that
clear; the Imladris audience has made that clear. Follow me not on my way
out. The way a wizard treads he must tread alone.
his baggage and goes out alone, his back hunched with the
weight of the cases. The others see him through the porch windows walking
across the dark lawn, his robes many-coloured in the moonlight. Everyone is
in silent awe. But just before Saruman gets to the fence, Frodo suddenly
leaps from his seat and rushes out.)
FRODO: Saruman! Saruman of Many Colours!
(Saruman turns around.)
What do you want?
FRODO: Saruman, I'm sorry. I know you weren't trying to kill me with the
coffee, it's Aragorn and Merry trying to kill each other. I know it wasn't
you. I'm sorry I accused you.
SARUMAN (pauses) : That's all right.
his hand gravely. Saruman opens the gate and shuts it behind
him. Then he is gone.)
MERRY: Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I feel awful!
SAM: I think what everyone needs is a nice hot cup of tea!
FRODO: Sam, do you think tea is a panacea for everything?
it certainly cheered you up that time you were thrown over by
PIPPIN: My SISTER threw you over?!
come on, you don't think I've been a bachelor my entire life, do
you? I had my chances.
Do not feel so bad, Merry. Saruman is the master of deception. You
are a hobbit and have inherent goodness in you, and Aragorn has kingly
qualities, but Saruman, I feel in my heart, is-
sweetie, it took you 17 years to feel in your heart that
Bilbo's ring was evil. Forgive me if I don't trust you!
housemates. As the first housemate-nominated evictee Saruman
has left his legacy on video for you to watch. The video will start in five
minutes. All housemates are obliged to attend.
Who wants popcorn?
LEGOLAS: What, you don't like popcorn?
(The video comes on as planned. Saruman's face fills nearly the entire
screen, lit with a spooky red light which on some angles can be seen to be a
torch with red cellophane over the globe.)
Greetings housemates, or rather, former housemates. As the evictee
this week I have the chance to be the first to take merciless pot-shots at
other housemates who can no longer defend themselves against my insults, and
I will do so.
Gandalf, Gandalf, you're going to be kicked out shortly unless you start
pulling your weight, believe me, I know. If I were you I'd lose the 'wisest
of them all' act, as well, that's getting old and works against you when
you're wrong. And wash that hat occasionally, yeah?
Aragorn. I always liked you, Aragorn, and it pains me to see you killing
yourself over the Rohirric lass. Find new interests. Take up ping pong. Moon
about dreaming of Arwen- whatever. I would hate to see you give in to
Merry- I don't know too much about you, but if you and the girl want one
another, go for your life. And watch your coffee. Aragorn put cyanide in it
the other morning. I watched him do it.
Sam- Sorry for calling you a Fairy, since I know you have a girlfriend at
home and everything. You're a good guy. I admire the way you handled the
pool incident. I never told anyone, but I'm frightened of water, too.
Legolas, good luck. You're a great housekeeper, but I have to tell you, your
taste in music is truly awful. Give the other housemates a break every so
often, yeah? And you play killer monopoly!
Gimli, I sense that you're not happy in the house. Smile! It's not that bad,
and I can tell you, the people around you love you and want you to be happy.
Besides, a happy housemate is a non-nominated housemate.
Eowyn, if you were to ask me about in-house relationships, I would have said
no way in the world! But since you're charging ahead, please be careful with
that young hobbit's affections.
Gollum, you look great in those clothes! (Gollum smiles.) Sorry about the
attack I had yesterday. I wish I could see you ask for breakfast like that
one more time!
Pippin, let me tell you, I am impressed at how you have tamed Smeagol. You
are a good and faithful friend to him, and I admire that. However, I'll be
glad to get away from you screaming, laughing and singing all day long! In
my old drawer in the bedroom you will find a collar for Aloysius that used
to belong to a Spaniel I once owned.
And finally, Frodo. I know you're most probably crying right now. (Frodo
wipes away tears.) Stop it. The world has seen enough of Frodo Baggins'
tears! Cheer up! Once and for all, I was NOT trying to kill you, and I hope
you believe me.
I just want to say, I've had an overall good time with you people and found
you overall to be an excellent bunch of friendly and open people. I only
wish I could have been a nicer person to live with. Adieu.
a guy. How noble.
ARAGORN: They all say nice things when they get evicted, Fro.
GANDALF: What's wrong with my hat?!
HIGHLIGHTS, DAY 12, MONDAY
(At 6 am
Legolas is woken up by Aragorn, Gimli, Gandalf and four starving
Geez, what is it? Is the house on fire or something?
ARAGORN: We're hungry!
GIMLI: We're starving!
PIPPIN: There's nothing to eat! Whatever shall we do?
LEGOLAS: Eat cereal. (Rolls over.)
MERRY: Hobbits can't eat cereal!
LEGOLAS: (Without opening his eyes.) Hands up who voted Saruman for
(Several hands go up.)
LEGOLAS: It's not so funny now, is it?
(Grudgingly gets up to make raisin toast and bacon.)
is cooking, Aragorn, Gimli and Merry do some 'manly'
resistance excercises. Read: Aragorn showing off, everyone else seriously
trying to get into shape.)
you're doing them push-ups wrong.
ARAGORN: How would you know?
SAM: You're supposed to have your hands wider than that.
ARAGORN: Oh, really? Supposing you'd like to demonstrate?
(Sam demonstrates. Aragorn's jaw drops.)
All right, smart alec, that's enough.
SAM: Well, you don't have to be so snaky about it. You can't chop wood, plow
fields, hoe gardens and give Frodo's car a push-start along Bag Road every
day without being strong. My Gaffer use to say-
ARAGORN: I said that's enough!
LEGOLAS: All right, beefcakes, your manly breakfast is ready. (Muttering)
There's one woman in the house and I ain't seen her lift a finger in the
(Eowyn hears part of the comment.)
EOWYN: What did you say?
LEGOLAS: Erm, I said there's one woman in the house, and I ain't seen her
compromising her chastity yet!
EOWYN: Oh. OK.
Eowyn is emerging from her shower, Aragorn bails her up at the
door, himself wrapped in a towel.)
Listen, what's wrong with you?
EOWYN: Nothing. What's wrong with you?
ARAGORN: With me? Erm, nothing, except that you threw me over for a hobbit!
EOWYN: Merry's a sweet person.
ARAGORN: But I'm good in other ways.
EOWYN: Yes, all right, we've been over that!
ARAGORN: There's something else wrong, isn't there?
EOWYN: None of your business. Go away.
Frodo is ransacking his bedroom, turning over mattresses and
turning out drawers in a mad panic.)
it's GOT to be here somewhere. Nobody's allowed to leave, for
Eru's sake! How can a book just disappear?
MERRY: Maybe Saruman took it.
(Frodo gives him a filthy look.)
MERRY: Have you checked outside?
FRODO: Yes. Oh, Bilbo's gonna kill me!
MERRY: All right, Fro, let's go over the bedroom again. But it's a flippin'
mystery to me, I tell you.
HIGHLIGHTS, DAY 13, TUESDAY.
clearly suffering from lack of TV, grow bored in the
evening and, since they are loaded from that week's shopping splurge, they
play 'chubby bunnies.' For the uninitiated, this inane game involves shoving
as many marshmallows in your mouth as can possibly fit, then trying to say
'chubby bunnies' without swallowing, choking, spitting or vomiting. Said
marshmallows must then be eaten.)
(Aragorn proves prolific at this. Legolas MC's the action.)
Nineteen... twenty... twenty-one... oh, please, Aragorn, stop or
you'll be sick!
ARAGORN: Chvvv bmmm.
LEGOLAS: Err... close enough. Good show!
(Aragorn sets about swallowing the marshmallows.)
EOWYN: Is that what you boys call talent? Watch this!
(She takes her bra off without removing her shirt.)
MERRY: That's nothin'. Watch her put it back on the same way!
ARAGORN: I'm going to be ill.
MERRY: Oh, will you shut up?
ARAGORN: No, I mean it, I'm really going to be ill.
to the sink and deposits 21 marshmallows there, along with Legolas'
(Eowyn puts her bra back on the same way it went.)
Smeagol does tricksss, yes he does!
FRODO: Don't I know it!
GOLLUM: No!!! Real tricksies! Watch Smeagol!
is grateful he's already vomited. Gollum sets about weaving in and
out of various contortion movements, including stepping through enclosed
arms and straightening them out without separating them.)
LEGOLAS: That's the grossest thing I ever saw.
Bravo! Clever Smeagol! (Claps for an inordinate length of time.)
ARAGORN: Pip, that's enough. I've got motion sickness.
FRODO: Anyone else do anything amazing?
(Legolas leaps up and fetches four wine glasses.)
no. Please, no. The last time you did this in Rivendell Elrond
nearly kicked you out.
LEGOLAS: Aw, lighten up, will you? (Juggles glasses so quickly they look
like a blur above him.)
SAM: Can all elves do that?
GIMLI: Nah. His cousin Bill was a carney for the Michel Delving Circus.
(Grabs one glass. Fills it with water. Sits it on the floor and, hands
behind his back, drinks the water by tipping it with his mouth. Not a drop
PIPPIN: No hands, huh? I can walk on mine!
(Proceeds to do so. Aragorn moans and holds his head.)
ARAGORN: Pip, please.
SAM: I can write my name with my feet.
ARAGORN: Just like your ancestors?
(Sam looks hurt.)
ARAGORN: I'm sorry, Sam, that was a cheap shot. (He rolls over onto the
LEGOLAS: Hey, Aragorn, say 'chubby bunnies'.
ARAGORN: **** you!
his ability, and Frodo balances a wooden spoon on the end
of one finger for ten seconds, a kitchen trick Bilbo taught him. Then it is
there is one thing I do, but it's quite alarming.
FRODO: Merry is this the-
MERRY: No, Fro, it's the other thing. I hold my breath for a long period of
(Legolas fumbles for his watch.)
LEGOLAS: Go for your life.
(Merry is already away when Pippin protests with 'No, Legsie, you don't know
about this trick. Merry's trying to set a new record. He'll kill himself...)
(Time goes on. One minute. A minute twenty. Thirty.
LEGOLAS: Merry, stop now, lad. I said stop it!
face begins to turn purple. Gollum, panicked, jumps up with a
shriek and pushes him over, winding him and knocking the air out of him. He
jumps up furiously.)
the hell did you do that for!
GOLLUM (whimpers) : We didn't want the sarcastic hobbit to die, precious!
ARAGORN (Under his breath) : We did, precious.
Gandalf, I suppose it's cheating to ask if you have a secret
GANDALF: No, really, I can do this one without magic!
cross-legged on the rug and closes his eyes, looking intense. A few
seconds go by. Suddenly he levitates about five inches from the floor.)
PIPPIN: That's cheating!
(Sorry these are a bit late!!)
I'm afraid this week it will purely be impersonal voting. I
voted personal last week and look where it got me. I vote Eowyn for 2 points
because she's causing fights and not pulling her weight. I nominate Gimli
for 1 point because he hates it in here.
nominating Eowyn for 2 points because she flirts with everyone and
she's... well... not a good housekeeper, if you take my meaning. I'm
nominating Gandalf for 1 point because he's still being lazy and never helps
still want Aragorn to go for 2 points. But for 1 point I'm
nominating Frodo. He's dreadfully unhappy in here.
I'm nominating Gandalf for 2 points because he's so grumpy and he
never wants to play games or tell stories. I'm nominating Gimli for 1 point
because he's just as cranky.
I'm nominating Frodo for 2 points because I don't think he's
handling Big Brother very well. 1 point I give to Eowyn, because I think
even the other housemates have no idea what she's up to, but I do.
I nominate Merry for 2 points. I give Gandalf 1 point because I
feel, more and more, that instead of playing it by ear he's actually trying
to play 'the game', and badly.
I nominate Frodo for 2 points. I fear for his mental well-being in
here. I nominate Pippin for 1 point because he always gets on my nerves, and
I'd be fascinated to see what would happen to Gollum if they were separated.
wish I could nominate myself, but since I can't- I nominate Gandalf
for 2 points. That painting thing was mere windowdressing because he nearly
got nominated before. I give Merry 1 point because he and Eowyn are making
may sound strange, but I nominate Aragorn for 2 points and Merry
for 1. I have some issues that I need to sort out and I can't do it when
We nominates the nasssty cranky dwarf for 2, we does! And the
sarcastic wizard for 1!
please housemates. It's time for nominations for this week.
This week there are three: Frodo, Gandalf, and Eowyn. Thankyou.
HIGHLIGHTS, WEDNESDAY- CHALLENGE DAY.
(Aragorn wakes up a bit later than everyone else. Legolas is sitting on his
bed, brushing his hair.)
LEGOLAS (smirking) : Chubby bunnies.
ARAGORN: Oh, Eru, am I ever going to live that down?
LEGOLAS: I wouldn't bet on it. Wherever you go, in the fields, in the
mountains, by the river, on the plain- one of my fair kindred will always be
popping up to smirk at you!
ARAGORN: Gee, thanks.
(Grabs towel and goes for a shower. Water runs. Sudden piercing shrieks.)
ARAGORN: This water's bloody freezing!
LEGOLAS: Well, you know Big Brother turn the hot water off at nine thirty!
ARAGORN: I hate you, Big Brother!
LEGOLAS: Now, that's not very kingly of you. Do you know what a kingly
person would say at a time like this?
ARAGORN: Lemme guess. Chubby bunnies?
congregate in the living room for the challenge of the
morning housemates. This is Big Brother. Your challenge for this
week will be to write, direct and perform a short film from 10-30 minutes in
length. On Saturday night, you will have a special audience to view this
with. Points will be awarded on contribution, artistic talent and teamwork.
We calls first to be director!!!
FRODO: Oh, God...
PIPPIN: No, Fro, Smeagol called it first. It's only fair.
GANDALF: I have to agree with him.
FRODO: But I can't act!
MERRY: You can write the script, Fro.
(Brightening, Fro runs out to find a notebook.)
What on earth are we going to make a movie about?
GIMLI: Let's do a gangster flick.
ARAGORN: Let's do an action movie.
SAM: Let's make a love story!
GOLLUM: We makesss a gangssster story with action and love, yes preciousss!
and Gollum collaborate on their story and script out on the
porch, conversation turns to the cryptic remark about an 'audience.')
More housemates, do you think?
GANDALF: There's enough of us as it is. Maybe it will just be people from
the station coming in.
EOWYN: Who do you think?
ARAGORN: Maybe they'll bring back Faramir.
(Eowyn gives him a filthy look.)
(Gimli has been in the kitchen doing the washing up. Suddenly he screams.)
Gimli, what is it? Are you all right?
GIMLI: No I'm not all right there's a bloody big spider in here come and
kill it noooowwww!
SAM: A spider? Well, that's nowt to be afraid of. Only keep it down, Gimli,
Fro's terrified of them. If he found out there were spider's in the kitchen
he'd never come in here again.
(Sam and Legolas go in to inspect the critter.)
Oh, for Eru's sake-
GIMLI: Kill it kill it kill it!!!!
LEGOLAS: Now stop it. I'm not going to kill an innocent little spider
because you're frightened of it. Sam, find me a paper towel. I'm going to
take it outside and let it go.
GIMLI: Let it go? Then it'll breed!
catches the lovable furry little thing and carries it outside, Sam
trailing behind. Frodo has been intensely studying his script but
unfortunately looks up as Legolas walks past.)
is... Legolas...carrying... what I think he is?
LEGOLAS: Oh, it's just a little one. You can't even see his fangs.
Gollum, what are we actually going to perform?
GOLLUM: We changed our minds, my love! We're doing 'The Wizard of Oz'!
LEGOLAS: Oh my God.
FRODO: I felt all dirty just writing it.
GOLLUM: We musssst have casting, yes my love! We wantss Eowyn for Dorothy
Gale! Then we wantsss Aragorn for the Wicked Witch and Legolasss for the
Good Witch! We wantsss Sam for the Scarecrow, Gimli for the Tin Man and
Merry for the Lion. Gandalf and Pippin can play Auntie Em and Uncle Henry!
LEGOLAS: So who's playing the wizard?
GANDALF: A bit of typecasting if ever I saw it.
housemates. This is Big Brother. You will find a basket with
your costumes in it in the diary room.
runs off to investigate.)
MERRY: Umm, Frodo?
MERRY: Is Legolas gonna wear a dress?
FRODO: I suppose so.
FRODO: For sure.
MERRY (in great distress) : You've all gone fruity!
of delight. Legolas rushes out of the diary room, his arms full of
LEGOLAS: Oh, it's gorgeous!
MERRY: Oh, dear Eru!
LEGOLAS: Oh, Merry, you should see your costume, it's real fur- sexy as
GANDALF: Please, please tell me I'm not going to have to wear suspenders.
LEGOLAS: Sorry, old man, I seem to remember that's what was in there. And a
big floral apron for Pip. I'll run and get the box. I should have before,
but when I saw this dress I was just wild about it!
about getting changed into their gear. Eowyn gets some relative
privacy in the bathroom but in a few minutes she comes running out in her
blue check dress. The first person she sees is Sam and she picks him up and
Guess what! I'm not pregnant! I got my p-
(After Sam has revived the housemates go over the script.)
Frodo, how come I only get four lines?
FRODO: You're not a big character, Legsie.
LEGOLAS: Oh! That's not fair!
FRODO: Oh, something tells me you'll make an impression.
ARAGORN: Do I really have to cackle?
FRODO: Sorry. You ARE the witch after all.
PIPPIN: Who's going to play Toto?
(Dead silence. No-one has thought of this before.)
FRODO: No way.
GANDALF: You're the only person who doesn't have a part yet, Frodo. It's
FRODO: I said no way! I'd die of fright!
EOWYN: All you have to do is yelp, moan and bark at everybody. Kind of what
you've been doing this week anyway.
(Before an argument can erupt Pippin jumps up. He comes back with Aloysius.)
PIPPIN: Aloysius can play Toto, can't you, Aloysius?
(The housemates spend a grueling day in the yard and in various places
around the house, rehearsing and filming their short movie.)
Gollum, these heels are pinching my toes! Do you think it would
matter if I wore bare feet or my ordinary shoes underneath this dress? It's
so long anyway nobody would notice!
GOLLUM: No precious! No heelsss makesss dress look to long!
LEGOLAS: But they're killing me!
FRODO: Stuff the ends with tissues or something.
LEGOLAS: What ends? Where my toes end the shoes begin!
LEGOLAS: Hey, that might work! (Runs off to find some.)
(Frodo notices the other housemates looking at him strangely.)
come on, you don't have your own Harem without learning a few
else goes to change. Merry emerges in his lion's costume, sporting
impressive makeup by Eowyn.)
Wow, that costume is really something, Merry. What's it made out of?
MERRY: Dunno. A slow lion?
(Sam comes out in costume, sneezing.)
I think I'm allergic to hay.
FRODO: To hay? You grew up in Bagshot Row and you're allergic to hay?
GOLLUM: It's PVC hay, my love!
SAM (sneezes) Must be allergic to PVC then.
(Aragorn and Gandalf refuse to come out of the bathroom in their costumes.)
promise we won't laugh!
GANDALF: Yes, you will!
MERRY: No, we won't! We're already laughed-out over my costume! I won't even
laugh at you, Aragorn.
ARAGORN: Do you really expect me to believe that?
GOLLUM: Shooting beginsss in five minutes, preciousss! They comes out or
they gets fired!
the reluctant duo emerge. Aragorn is garbed in black with
obligatory fake nose, green makeup etc. No broom could be found so he
brandishes a squiggy mop. Gandalf is dressed in suspenders and calico shirt,
with a billycock hat.)
Can the King of Gondor truly be brought thus low?
GIMLI: Ah, it's not so bad. I look like I'm auditioning to be a dancer for
MERRY: I look like a rug.
PIPPIN: My mum's going to see me dressed like this! She'll cry!
(Pippin does indeed look strange with striped dress, floral apron and some
canny stuffing. Legolas has spent an hour on his makeup, and unfortunately,
he looks quite pretty.)
have to film in sequence, they start with Dorothy on the farm.
Eowyn drags Aloysius along the ground with a fishing wire.)
EOWYN: I hate this place! Nobody understands me!
(Merry to Sam offscreen- "Well, we know Fro wrote this for sure now!")
'farm-hands becoming Oz characters' thing has been cut, Frodo
moaning "that wasn't in the book!")
quickly hits with fans and cardboard boards for effects. The
pace is unusually rapid, Frodo moaning "Well, I had to cut a lot out!"
Before long Eowyn, Merry, Sam and Gimli find themselves on the red paved
road when a catastrophe happens. The synchronized skipping goes wrong.
Suddenly Pippin shrieks.)
You stepped on Aloysius!
SAM: Who did, Pip?
PIPPIN: Gimli did! (Runs across to get Aloysius, sobbing hysterically.) You
murdering bastard! You killed him!
GIMLI: I didn't step on him at all! Eowyn pushed me and I tripped!
PIPPIN: You did! You did! You killed him!
and Frodo have no idea what to do. Finally Sam steps over to
he's not dead after all?
PIPPIN: He is! He is!
SAM: Let me have a look.
(Gently, Sam takes Aloysius off Pippin and looks him over gravely.)
he's not dead at all! See for yourself. Has any stuffing come out?
SAM: Have his eyes or nose popped off?
SAM: Is any of the stitching undone?
SAM: He's not dead. But I think he'll need a chiropractor after the shoot!
PIPPIN: Maybe he's got internal injuries!
SAM: He doesn't, Pip. Now can we please have him back?
(Pippin looks uncertain)
PIPPIN: You'll take care of him for me?
SAM: Of course.
PIPPIN: And you won't let Gimli near him?
SAM: No. Promise.
PIPPIN: All right. But don't work him so hard, he's recuperating!
(5:50 pm. The housemates are gathered in the living room to anticipated the
screening of their film at 6:00 pm.)
evening. This is Big Brother. As promised you will be introduced to
six new housemates tonight. They will be staying for a week, until next
Sunday night when you will be able to vote off five of them. Your new
housemates will be here in ten seconds.
LEGOLAS: Ten seconds! LOOK AT THIS PLACE!!!
the kitchen and starts madly clearing plates, stockings, toys,
books, walkmans, magazines and food from the counters.)
(The door knocks.)
knock. Finally Sam slithers off the lounge and answers it. In come-
Elrond, Celeborn, Bilbo, Gorbag, Rosie Cotton and Tom Bombadil.)
his arms. They imbrace.)
ROSIE: Oh, Sam, I've been watching the show, how is your back?
SAM: It's fine now, Rosie. How've you been?
(Elrond walks up to Aragorn.)
Er... hello. Peculiar weather we're having, ain't it?
ELROND: Aragorn, I would break every bone in your body right now, but I'm
afraid it wouldn't be dignified. But I hope you know Arwen can't even get
out of bed, she's so upset. She's been crying for five days.
Merry and Gollum run to greet Bombadil.)
PIPPIN and MERRY: Tom! Tom!
TOM: Whoa now! Steady on, little lads, there's enough of Tom to go around!
What's your name, little master?
(Tom pats his head.)
TOM: Tom's always glad to make a new friend.
panic on seeing Gorbag is not even abated by Bilbo, who takes his
arm and leads him away. But Gorbag doesn't see Frodo, or doesn't care. He
strolls right past him.)
LEGOLAS: In the fridge.
GORBAG: Got anything that don't taste like elf spag?
LEGOLAS: I doubt it.
stands in the middle of the room, alone. Legolas gives Gimli a
look, but Gimli shakes his head resolutely. Taking a deep breath, Legolas
goes over to him.)
Uh, as this place's resident Elf, I welcome you to our humble
CELEBORN: Thankyou. I heard you made a movie!
LEGOLAS: Well, we tried to- you'll see what we came up with tonight!
(Meanwhile Bilbo has calmed Frodo down enough to get him to respond to him.)
have you been, my lad?
FRODO: Horrible! Haven't you been watching?
BILBO: I was hoping this was some new elaborate way of faking your way
through Big Brother.
is Big Brother. The production of The Wizard of Oz will start in
two minutes. Please be seated.
(Next installment- the movie!)
(Legolas makes popcorn and they all sit down to watch the film. Pippin and
Gollum sit on Tom's lap. Rosie lies on the floor with her head in Sam's
(Scene 1. Eowyn walks down the garden path with Aloysius on a string.)
hate this place! Nobody understands me! And they want to hurt my...
erm... my dog!
(Distinct sound of fans being turned on.)
EOWYN: My but it's windy out here! Oh no! It's a twister!
takes Dorothy to Oz. Cast members except Legolas dance around like
Munchkins. Housemates laugh hysterically, even Frodo.)
you've got the rhythm of a hippopotamus!
GIMLI: Gee thanks!
(Legolas appears in pink chiffon.)
Greetings, Dorothy! I will help you get to Oz! Just follow the red
(Accidentally knocks tinfoil crown off his head with his wand.)
appears in a puff of steam, which unfortunately has his makeup
sliding off his face in drifts. He is hideously overacting, a la Margaret
I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too! (Half hearted
Sam/Scarecrow. Sam performs clumsy, Ray Bolger- reminiscent
scarecrow dance. Everyone is impressed.)
we went to cousin Melilot's wedding last spring you told me you
SAM: Um... no... I just can't dance at weddings, Rosie-lass!
Gimli. Gimli most unsuccessful with his dance. The tape
unfortunately catches Merry off-camera, coaching him.)
who was saying we'd all gone fruity?
MERRY: Shut up!
Merry. She slaps him on the nose, but her hand goes nowhere
near him. Merry can hardly walk under the weight of his costume.)
Who's the gimp in the suit?
GORBAG: Watcha supposed to be?
MERRY: A lion.
GORBAG: You look like a fat orc-skin to me.
MERRY: Eat me.
GORBAG: Maybe I will.
GANDALF: Maybe I'll turn you both to stone if you don't shut up and let me
watch the movie!
The travellers meet the Great and Powerful Ozzzzz.
I am the great and powerful Ozzzz, precious! What does it want?
EOWYN: Please, sir, we've come to ask you for a brain for S- I mean, the
scarecrow, a heart for the tin man and courage for the lion! And I want to
go back to Kansas!
GOLLUM: It wants to go back to Kansas, does it? Does it, hey? If nice
Dorothy clicks her heels together and says 'there's no place like home' she
goes back to Kansas!
EOWYN: And what about the others?
GOLLUM (Ad- libbing) : They stepped on Aloysius, precious, they don't
deserve presents from Wizard!
EOWYN (Trying to save situation.) : Oh, please!
GOLLUM: All right. What does it have in its pocketses? (Goes through his
pockets and distributes gifts.)
to Frodo accusingly.)
BILBO: Please tell me you didn't WRITE that.
FRODO: Gollum ad-libbed half of it!
Eowyn wakes up pressed against Pippin's ample tissue bosom, with
Gandalf in suspenders and stupid hat standing by. Sentimental dialogue. End
(New housemates applause.)
well done, I must say!
GORBAG: Not bad, considering it was written by that snivelling rat!
FRODO: I... I thought you were reformed, Gorbag.
GORBAG: You ain't eaten yet, are you?
TOM: All this talk of eating makes Tom hungry! Who wants cinnamon toast?
the excitement of the night, it is well after midnight before anyone
thinks of sleep. Finally, though, the issue must be addressed.)
Fifteen housemates. Twelve beds. I hope this doesn't have to get
SAM: It doesn't have to at all. Me and Rosie are sharing- Pippin and Gollum
can share- and Frodo and Merry.
MERRY: Why Frodo?
SAM: Because we're smaller than everyone else!
(Frodo looks injured.)
SAM: I was talking about height of course, Mr. Frodo!
and muttering, Merry goes to get his things. There is a complete
shake-up of the sleeping arangements again- in one room, Sam and Rosie,
Frodo and Merry, Elrond, Aragorn, Eowyn and Bombadil. In the other, Gandalf,
Legolas and Gimli, Gorbag, Pippin and Gollum, Celeborn and Bilbo.)
(Sam and Rosie leap into bed quite naturally together, and Pippin and Gollum
put Aloysius between them. But meanwhile a fight has started amongst the big
Gandalf, you know I have endured many things in this house. I've
cooked for four hobbits many's a time and hardly ever complained. But
please, I beg you, don't make me sleep next to Gorbag!
GANDALF: Legolas, be fair. I'm already on the other side of him, and that's
my fair share. We'd never get any rest if Gorbag was next to Gimli, or
Gollum and Pip, and you can't imagine how Bilbo snores!
LEGOLAS: Can't someone swap from the next room?
of furious pillowfight from the next room. At least, they hope it's
a pillowfight. There is lots of thumping and giggling.)
Now how could I spoil those young things' fun?
GORBAG: Now listen. Give the old Orc a chance, yeah? I don't snore. I've had
a shower before I came. And I'm bloody tired. Let's go to sleep!
BILBO: Oh, finally someone who's talking sense!
(The lights are turned off.)
PIPPIN: Smeagol, your feet are freezing!
(Gollum stumbles out of bed to put socks on.)
in the next room the hobbits and Bombadil are eating coffee beans
and jumping up and down on the beds. Elrond, Aragorn and Eowyn are
ostensibly trying to sleep. Elrond, in the bed next to Aragorns, emerges
from under the doona.)
ELROND: Remind me again how you came to be in this room.
, THIRD EVICTION.
(Once again, the housemates are seated in the living room drinking some Hot
Chocolate that Bombadil has whipped up. Frodo, Gandalf and Eowyn all have
their bags backed.)
Sam, it'll be me for sure!
GANDALF: No, Frodo, it'll be ME for sure!
EOWYN: I don't really care if it's me or not. I'm ready to leave. I never-
evening. This is Big Brother. It's time for the Third Eviction. Big
Brother would like to remind everyone that for next week, all original
housemates have immunity while the audience votes out five of the strangers.
But to this week. The evictee for this week is Gandalf the White.
(Gandalf stands up uncertainly. He looks very old and shaky suddenly.)
GANDALF: Well, I guess this is the other Old Wizard signing off.
forgetting he nominated Gandalf in the first place) Oh,
Gandalf, no! You can't go! (Bursts into tears.)
GANDALF (Choking) I'm afraid I have to, Pip. The mob have spoken.
everyone is hugging and crying, even the new housemates, even
Gorbag who probably just got carried away by the moment. Finally someone
hears the counter.)
GANDALF: Fifteen seconds! Let's go!
across the dark yard to the fence. Gandalf stops at the gate to
hug Pippin, Frodo, Legolas and Bilbo, all of whom are shamelessly
blubbering. Then he turns and shuts the door behind him.)
The voting breakdown- Gandalf 9, Frodo 8, Eowyn 7. (I'm not kidding. I was
nearly having kittens thinking I was going to have to evict Frodo!)
and early the next morning Aragorn is woken by a squeal and the
weight of Pippin and Gollum landing heavily on his blanket.)
Aragorn, we've been robbed!
GOLLUM: So we have, precious!
in his bedside drawer, Aragorn draws out his gun and leaps out of
bed in his underpants.)
Where? Everything seems in order to me.
PIPPIN: The kitchen!
pads out into the kitchen. There is empty food containers all over
the floor in the kitchen. Aragorn lowers the gun in dismay.)
You mean the refrigerator's been robbed?
GOLLUM: All gone! All gone! Nothing left, precious, not even a raw fisshhh!
ARAGORN: Gorbag I'm going to KILL you!
into Gorbag's bedroom and drags said Orc out of bed. Gorbag leaps
up, rubbing his bruised forehead.)
Here, what gives!
ARAGORN: You stole all our food you ****!
GORBAG: I did bloody not! (Burps.)
time Aragorn's woken the whole house. Sam and Rosie stumble in
wearing a quilt between them and not much else. Celeborn, sensing danger,
has grabbed an umbrella for protection. Bombadil pushes his way through the
Now then, Mr Aragorn, what seems to be the problem?
ARAGORN: The problem? The problem is that we've got nothing to eat and
there's no shopping until Thursday!
(Squeal from the bathroom.)
MERRY: Aragorn, Gorbag ate the shaving cream!
(Aragorn grabs Gorbag and starts shaking.)
Gorbag do you realise how much I needed that shaving cream? If I
grow a beard the women of Imladris will vote me off for certain and it'll be
all your fault!
Now let's all calm down. Don't be afraid. We'll all eat this
morning. Stay here and be merry, kidlets, while Tom goes a-hunting!
of the house and down to the back fence where he pays off the
security guard to buy food and the all-important shaving cream.)
BB: Aragorn to the diary room. Please bring your gun.
(Aragorn groans and does as he's told.)
by bringing a weapon such as a gun into the house you have
violated an important rule of the house. We at Big Brother have every right
to evict you.
ARAGORN: Oh don't. Please don't. I'll do anything. I'll lick Elrond's boots.
I'll marry Sam. Anything in the name of entertainment. Just please don't
kick me out!
BB: However, we at Big Brother realise that your bombastic personality and
charming good looks are a real ratings-booster, so you're not going to be
evicted. However there will be a punishment.
ARAGORN: Oh, anything, anything!
BB: Because you and Gorbag fought so bitterly this morning and he ought to
be punished as well, you two will be handcuffed together by one wrist for
twenty-four hours. You will give your gun to Big Brother and if there's any
more trouble you will be evicted. Is that clear?
ARAGORN: All right.
is getting his telling-off, Rosie and Sam are talking in the
bedroom as they dress.
I've been thinking very hard about something.
ROSIE: What, Sam?
SAM: I love you, Rosie.
ROSIE (smiles.) : Well, you didn't have to think so hard about that, did
SAM: Rosie, if... if you don't get evicted this time, will you marry me next
SAM: I... I mean it. I want to marry you.
ROSIE: Oh, Sam! Of course I will!
(Aragorn awakens to find himself being dragged down the hallway by Gorbag.)
Where the Mordor are you going?
GORBAG: Shower. Coming with me?
ARAGORN: Oh, this punishment is more than I can bear!
Frodo goes in to see Bilbo. He is rummaging around his bedside
BILBO: It's gone! My medication, Frodo, it's gone!
FRODO: How can it be gone?
BILBO: I don't know! It just is!
(Merry wanders in sleepily, resting an arm on Frodo's shoulder.)
Uncle Bilbo, lost something?
BILBO: Don't you 'Uncle Bilbo' me, Meriadoc, that medication was vital! It
was for senility!
(Frodo and Merry are silent in horror.)
MERRY: Oh, Eru, Frodo, help us find that medication quick!
cry from the shower. Legolas, Gimli and Sam run out to see
what's happened. Gimli stops dead in the hallway and backs away in horror.
Sam nearly trips over him, covering his mouth and stumbling back down the
hall. Legolas, looking disgusted, crosses the threshold to find that
Aragorn, still chained to Gorbag, has passed out onto the tiles. Looking at
Gorbag, he sees why and throws him a towel in disgust.)
Elrond! Celeborn! I need some elves in here quick! The Black Sight
has overtaken the king!
(Elrond and Celeborn come running.)
ELROND: Oh, curses! Big Brother should have known better!
hallway come the sounds of several hobbit-voices demanding what's
the matter, and Sam answering them, 'Aragorn saw Gorbag naked. And he
Where's the key to these cuffs?
GORBAG: Dunno. Big Brother has it somewhere.
LEGOLAS (passing a hand over Aragorn's still brow) : We must get these cuffs
off, and quickly. There's no time to go finding keys.
CELEBORN: I'll go get Gimli's... thing... what he chops trees with.
Legolas to Elrond- 'You're not actually going to let him use that
thing on Aragorn, are you?' Elrond: 'I'm thinking about it.')
comes back with Gimli's axe and heaves it. Elrond takes it off him
just in time.)
ELROND: Let me do that, Cel.
(Heaves the axe. It misses by about sixty-seven miles.)
ELROND: Well, I am a few millennia old, you know! Legolas, you try.
tries and it works. The three elves drag the still-unconscious
Aragorn from the bathroom. Celeborn whacks Aragorn's head in the doorway as
he goes past.)
(Once away from the Black Sight, Aragorn quickly recovers.)
Oh, Elrond, hold me! It was terrible!
LEGOLAS: I believe him. I too have once looked upon the Black Sight, and
though I survived unscathed, the memory of it is very evil. I do not wish to
see it a second time.
PIPPIN: And I don't want to see it even once!
MERRY: Nor me!
GORBAG: Well thank you very much! This Orc's got feelings, you know. You've
been persecuting me from day one! I didn't know about the food rule. Then
Aragorn tried to shoot me. Then they punish ME by handcuffing him to me, and
then he ups and faints and youse all pick on ME and my... erm... Orc-gear!
FRODO: The poor wretch. He can't help it.
to a hall closet to get a blanket for Aragorn. When he opens it
a number of things fall out, including Bilbo's medication, two pairs of
Eowyn's underwear, Gimli's walkman and the Red Book.)
what have we here!
BILBO: My medication!
(Rips open the box and starts popping pills like there's no tomorrow.)
with those things, Bilbo. You don't know what kind of an effect
they'll have on you. (Picks up the Red Book.) Well, it LOOKS like the book I
lost, but some of the writing I've never seen before!
through the crowd. Recognizes her underwear. Blushing for the
first time in the house, she whips them up and tries to hide them, all too
Right. Nobody's going anywhere 'til someone explains this mystery to
BB: Good morning housemates. It's Wednesday and challenge day. Since there
are so many of you, this week's challenge involves two teams. Teams will be
as follows. Team 1, Frodo, Sam, Rosie, Aragorn, Bombadil, Eowyn and
Celeborn. Team 2, Merry, Pippin, Gollum, Bilbo, Legolas, Gimli, Gorbag and
Elrond. Please arrange yourself in these teams.
(Lots of shuffling. 'I don't like this," Sam whispers to Rosie.)
will involve 3 short but difficult challenges- what we call 7 in a
boat, or in one case 8. The second we call The Human Pyramid, and the third
is Diving for Pearls.
SAM: Is this going to involve swimming?
BB: It will.
SAM: Oh, great!
challenge involves a rubber dinghy in the middle of the swimming
pool, being reached by a short but paper-thin plank. The point of the game
is for all members of the team to be in the dinghy in three minutes when the
goes first. Frodo neatly runs along the plank and plunks himself
in the boat, agreeably surprised at himself.)
FRODO: I made it! I made it, Aragorn! I didn't trip!
next and has rather more trouble negotiating the soft wood.
Aragorn and Frodo, dangerously bending the rules, both come out as far on
the plank as they can and guide him over it.)
if I fall in I'll be killed for sure!
FRODO: Oh, you will not. You fell in the pool the other day and survived.
SAM: If you let me fall in I'll never speak to you again!
ARAGORN: Sam, you WON'T FALL IN. I'm right behind you. Now hurry up. This
plank can't take the weight of three of us.
Sam scoots along the plank and half-falls into the dinghy.
Aragorn strides across the plank in three strides and settles in.)
merrily prances over. Rosie comes behind, holding onto Bombadil's
coattails, but she has good balance and walks steadily. Celeborn comes
behind less steadily. But by the time Celeborn gets to the dinghy it is VERY
crowded, and he's forced to sit on Bombadil's knee. The dinghy groans under
sinking! We'll all be drownded!
ARAGORN: Sam, if we'll sink at all it'll be because you're floundering.
Eowyn, hurry up!
makes her way over the plank and deposits herself on
FRODO: Sam, if you elbow me in the face once more I'll thump you one, so
BB: You have passed. Everyone out.
but the hobbits calmly climb out the side and swim to shore, but
the hobbits are left to contend with the bridge again.)
are rather more unsuccessful. First comes Legolas, walking
backwards because he's holding onto Gimli, who slips twice but never falls.
Merry, too, is agile and quick. Pippin and Gollum also come together,
pushing and pulling one another in their fright. Elrond walks across
unconcernedly. But Gorbag stamps across so heavily that, just as Elrond has
reached the dinghy, the board breaks and in the knick of time, Elrond and
Legolas grab Gorbag and put him in the boat.)
To be continued... (sorry. Been told to get off the internet NOW...)
BB: You have passed. Everyone out.
SAM: That's not fair! He fell in!
GORBAG: I did not!
SAM: Did too!
is Big Brother. Our decisions are final. Please assemble for the
fairly self- explanatory- each team must form a tight human
pyramid in 3 minutes. Any falling, slipping or failure to meet the time
means failure. Aragorn and co go first.)
ARAGORN: All right. Me, Bombadil and Celeborn will be the base. We'll have
Eowyn, Frodo and Sam on top of that, and Rosie on top. Hurry up!
(They 'hurry up' though none really has a clue what they're doing.)
Frodo, stop digging your toe-nails into my back. Eru, you're
heavier than Eowyn!
SAM: You take that back now, ****!
ARAGORN: Sam, stop fussing. Rosie, hurry up.
she manages to scramble on top and they hold position for ten
BB: This is Big Brother. You have passed.
point, Celeborn falls flat on the ground and everyone comes
tumbling all over the concrete.)
You did that on purpose!
CELEBORN:(rubbing an injured nose) Why in Eru's name would I want to
deliberately thwack myself in the nose?
MERRY (As his team is preparing to have their turn) So, Sam, what did it
feel like to have your girlfriend on top of so many-
SAM: You'd have more of an idea of that than I would!
tries to organise his team, but hasn't Aragorn's skill, nor the
strength of team members behind him. )
Right-o. Me, Gorbag, Gimli and Elrond will be the base. Hobbits on
top of that. Gollum above them.
what he'd like to think, Legolas' build is too slight to hold up so
many people, and he really suffers for it. Gorbag, surprisingly, does as
he's told. Merry and Pippin help Bilbo up, muttering and complaining. But
Gollum has no trouble.)
We made it! We made it!
MERRY: God, your feet are slimy! Go step on Pip, will you?
(Gollum merrily does so.)
PIPPIN: Oww! Can't we get down now?
BB: This is Big Brother. You have passed.
game is Diving for Pearls, which involves members of each team
relaying into the pool to find plastic rings on the bottom.)
team 2 goes first. And cuts the game short. Legolas, who
hitherto has avoided the pool, dives in. And doesn't surface.)
GIMLI: Is Legolas all right? Or is he just fooling around?
(Everyone anxiously peers at him.)
ELROND: He's not fooling around. He's got blood coming from his face.
into hysterics. Aragorn and Elrond jump in to save Legolas and
bring him ashore. He coughs up some water and holds his bleeding nose.)
I didn't think it was going to be that shallow...oh, I'm all right.
Stop fussing. But I think I've broken my nose!
GIMLI: Oh, Legolas, your beautiful straight nose!
FRODO: Well, I guess this game is over.
(2 am the following morning. The house is nearly silent, but for Gimli's
snoring and Pippin snuffling. In bedroom one, Frodo suddenly becomes
restless, kicking and rolling around in his sleep, waking Merry and others
you silly hobbit, what are you up to?
FRODO (In creepy, sleep-talking voice...) : Sam... Sam!
(Sam pokes his head of his quilt.)
SAM: Mr. Frodo, sir? Are you all right?
(Merry turns his lamp on and peers at him. Starts giggling.)
MERRY: He's asleep! Wonder what he's dreaming about!
(Sam gets out of bed in his boxers.)
SAM: Frodo... wake up, Mr. Frodo...
(Frodo becomes more distressed, continuing with 'Sam... help me, Sam...")
Help me, Sam? Dear Eru, Sam, what have you been doing to that poor
SAM: Shut up, Strider!
arm and shakes him a little. Frodo rubs his eyes and looks
around in alarm.)
is that you?
SAM: Who else?
FRODO: What is going on? I had a dream I was being whipped and it was dark
and I needed you and... and what are you doing over here? And... why is
everybody laughing at me?
is exactly what they're doing. Aragorn is crying in laughter.
Rosie and Eowyn are smirking at one another. Even Elrond smiles languidly.
Merry laughs so hard he falls off the bed, and that makes everyone laugh
even harder. Legolas pops his head in the door to investigate.)
LEGOLAS: This had better be hilarious.
(Aragorn explains. Frodo covers his face as Legolas bursts out laughing.)
always sleep-talked. I sleepwalk, too, once in a while. Once I
came downstairs in the dark, picked up my umbrella, and walked down Bagshot
Row in my pyjamas.
LEGOLAS: Weren't going to Sam's, were you?
SAM: No, he wasn't!
MERRY: Once... on this camping trip when we were lads... Frodo got up and
asked Pip if he'd seen the Red Firetruck of Mirkwood! Pip of course told him
he had seen it- in Hobbiton's Mill. Frodo said "Good... then Lobelia can't
get it..." rolled over and went to sleep!
SAM: Oh, like you people have never done it!
(Reflective, shamed silence. Legolas is the first to speak.)
Well... there was that night on Caradhras I asked Gimli for my pink
bunny slippers, all in my sleep! And I don't even have pink bunny slippers!
SAM: There now. And I bet Aragorn's said some tasty things in his sleep too.
Now the sooner we stop laughing at poor Mr Frodo here the sooner we'll get
to sleeping, if you take my meaning!
settles down. As Sam prepares to head off for his own bed, Frodo
grabs his arm and whispers.)
what did I say?
SAM: Nothing too terrible- "Sam, help me, Sam."
FRODO: I didn't... I didn't sound like I was enjoying myself, did I?
SAM: Well, you didn't sound seriously petrified, Mr Frodo, otherwise I'd
have woken you up sooner.
FRODO: Great. Gee I hope you get married on Sunday, Sam, the last thing I
need are all these queer rumours!
(That morning Elrond is the last to awaken. As he opens his eyes he sees
Eowyn in front of the mirror in a skirt and undone blouse.)
Where are the others?
EOWYN: Outside. Tom's teaching them to play British Bulldogs.
ELROND: Why aren't you out there?
EOWYN: It's not ladylike.
(Eowyn turns to face him slowly.)
don't you like me, Elrond?
ELROND: Let me count the ways.
EOWYN: No, don't bother. I know. I see it when you look at me, and it's not
Arwen, either. You could marry her off to Glorfindel or someone and it
wouldn't make a lick of difference.
ELROND: Would too!
and sits by him on the bed. In the silence they can hear the
hobbits squealing out on the lawn and Tom laughing.)
long has it been since your wife...
ELROND (head in hand): Too long, Eowyn, too long. I am half mortal after
EOWYN: Is that why you hate me?
ELROND: I... I don't hate you at all...
(Due to Imladris' PG rating, the rest of this scene is CENSORED.)
the lawn, everyone's having a rough-and-tumble game of British
Bulldogs, and all is merry and blithe until Tom accidentally knocks Merry
over and scatters his pipeweed on the grass.)
blankly at his pipeweed being blown away like chaff) Oh...
TOM: Sorry about that Merry, I'll buy you a double lot next shopping day.
PIPPIN: Merry... that wasn't... ALL our pipeweed, was it?
(Merry nods in silence.)
Tom, I hope they kick you out next eviction! I hate you! I hate you!
ARAGORN: Temper, temper!
PIPPIN: And I hate you too! And I'm going to continue to hate you until I
get another smoke!
(Storms inside. Notices shut door and suspicious noises.)
PIPPIN: I've a good mind to tell Merry about that!
(Unbeknownst to him, Merry has come inside and is standing behind him.)
PIPPIN: Oh, er, nothing.
MERRY: No, really what-
shouts of glee and shock from outside. Merry and Pippin run out to
where everyone is looking up and laughing. They soon see why. A legion of
high-spirited young Rivendell elves have parachuted into the compound-
Uncle Bilbo, let's go inside.
SAM: Cos Rosie wants to play Chess with you, that's why. (Pushes the
bewildered Rosie inside.)
BILBO: Oh, you wanted to play chess, dear?
ROSIE: Erm... I guess so!
(Goes to bedroom door and starts opening it)
ROSIE: Just let me get my- aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhh!
hysterics, half the house come running, just as four naked elves
land in the compound. She is crying and laughing, and Legolas goes to
investigate. He doesn't excuse himself and shut the door. He just stands
Oh, that's nice. Very classy, Elrond. I'd whip on some clothes if I
were you before Merry and Aragorn get in here. They're out there comparing
at the moment, I'm sure they don't wanna do it in here as well.
come inside, laughing and trailing parachutes behind them, since
they know it'll be five minutes before they're arrested. Elrond emerges from
bedroom, buttoning his shirt.)
ARAGORN: Merry, are we going to let him do that?
MERRY: Forget Eowyn! I need a smoke!
(The following morning at breakfast Pippin and Gollum seem to be engaged in
some weird new game or ritual. They are clambering all over the seats of the
lounges and bench-tops whenever they move at all.)
in Eru's name are you two doing?
GOLLUM: It's a fun new game the nice hobbitses made up! We has to walk
around the whole day without putting our feet on the floor!
GIMLI (rolls his eyes) : You're going to have a great time if we have to go
GIMLI: But if you have to?
GIMLI: Oh, you're hopeless. Have it your way then!
(Elrond and Aragorn have a private moment in the bathroom doorway.)
Elrond, I want to thank you for what you did yesterday.
ELROND: Please spare me the sarcasm.
ARAGORN: No, I mean it. You cured everything. You gave Eowyn what she wanted
and now she can stop acting like a hopeless nympho. Merry and I wouldn't
touch her with a ten foot pole now, and we can get back to normal. And you
haven't a hope in hell of surviving the eviction, so even if me and Merry
both hate you, you'll be gone before long and everything will be apples
ELROND: Um... er... well, thanks!
ARAGORN: And... can I still marry your daughter?
ELROND: Well... Aragorn, you still have over two months to go in the house,
I wouldn't get too excited.
(In a corner of the garden, Sam talks quietly with Frodo.)
if this wedding comes off tomorrow, Mr Frodo sir, you'll have to be
my Best Man.
FRODO: Of course I will.
SAM: And of course Aragorn will be presiding over the ceremony and all.
Rosie hasn't got a wedding dress nor nothing proper...but I told her I don't
care, and I don't neither.
FRODO: Sam... I think you have to be prepared that there's a chance Rosie
may get kicked off and Gorbag's going to stay.
SAM: God, what a horrible thought! I'd prefer Bombadil, if it came to that,
FRODO: I don't know about that.
SAM: Anyway, it won't make much difference if we get married tomorrow or
not, in the scheme of things. But it's dangerous, Frodo, it's dangerous. If
she gets evicted I'll not long follow her. And when I get evicted-
FRODO: I'll follow closely behind.
SAM: That's right. And I do so hope you win.
FRODO: Sam... I'll be right back. I appear to have something in my eye.
the diary room and shuts the door, then bursts into tears. He sits
in the diary chair and cries for about fifteen minutes, though no words
Gorbag and Legolas have decided to play hackysack in the living
room, regardless of Gimli who is trying to read a book and Bilbo who is
snoozing on the sofa, and of Gollum and Pippin who are clambering all over
See, Gorbag, you're playing this game entirely too roughly. You
must toss the hackysack, toss it you see, not just lob it across the room
like it's a piece of meat!
GORBAG: Believe me, Elfie, if it was a piece of meat I'd find a better home
for it than lobbing it across the room!
it too hard and it hits Legolas square in the nose. He squeals and
covers his face. Gimli is up in a shot.)
right, that's it. Game's over.
GORBAG: Who made you the adjudicator?
GIMLI: I did.
GORBAG: Well, I didn't. (Picks up the hackysack.)
GIMLI: Give that here.
GIMLI: Give it here!
lobs it hard at Gimli, but Gimli ducks and the hackysack hits
Celeborn on the head as he walks past. Celeborn throws it back, misses, and
it hits the wall with a loud thud. Gorbag dives for it and throws it back,
and soon the game is on again.)
(Meanwhile Eowyn is tidying the bedroom happily when Merry walks in.)
satisfy your curiosity, I don't care about what you did with
EOWYN: I'm sorry I messed you and Aragorn around. I don't know what came
MERRY: That's all right. It was fun while it lasted-
thump and cry from the living room, and Gimli's voice floats up-
'Gollum, I told you you'd fall flat on your face if you did that!' and
Legolas returning 'Fall? Did he fall before or after you thwacked him in the
goes to the diary room, bumping into a red-eyed Frodo on his way
It's been crying... what's it been crying for, eh, precious?
FRODO: None of your business.
GOLLUM: Smeagol doesn't like it when it talks like that, the nice hobbitses.
But we know it's upset, we forgives the nice hobbitses. The nice hobbitses
can talk to Smeagol when he wants.
FRODO: Thanks for the offer. Maybe another time.
(Gollum slinks into the diary room and settles in the armchair.)
All right, we confesses. Smeagol is the thief. But we didn't mean to
steal, precious, they were presents, nice presents for poor Smeagol. And we
wonders whether we should tell the housemates, we wonders?
Big Brother- Fourth Eviction
are once again crowded into their tiny living room. Legolas
has made popcorn. Nobody except Gorbag is eating it. On one lounge, Sam,
Rosie, Merry, Pippin and Gollum are squeezed together. On the other are
Legolas, Bombadil and Aragorn. Everyone else is sitting on the floor. )
is Big Brother. This evening marks an exciting day for the
housemates. We're going to have a wedding- or a lynching. Either way we're
going to have a lot of fun, right?
(Everyone groans. Sam puts his arm around Rosie miserably.)
for Big Brother evictees were as follows. Celeborn recieved no
BB: Bilbo recieved two votes. Elrond recieved two votes. Bombadil recieved
recieved 7 votes. Gorbag recieved 10 votes. Gorbag, you are our
GORBAG (Throws popcorn up in the air in glee) : Woo-hoo! Yes! In your face,
BB: The other housemates have one minute to leave the house.Please do so.
stands up. With a questioning look at Sam, Frodo helps Bilbo with
his suitcases. Sam squeezes Rosie's hand quickly.)
say anything, please. I won't be able to stand it if you do.
ROSIE: I know. I think I should just go and leave it at that. But you can
kiss me if you like.
her cheek and reaches for her suitcase. Behind him, Merry,
Pippin and Gollum are swarming around Bombadil.)
I wanna carry your luggage, Tom!
MERRY: It's my turn! You helped him unpack!
TOM: Now, now! I think my new friend Smeagol can help me.
GOLLUM: Yes, yes, we helps nice Tom!
(Eowyn walks Elrond to the door.)
for the memories.
ELROND: I told you Elves can do magic!
(Frodo and Aragorn bid farewell to Bilbo.)
don't know what I'll do without you, Bilbo.
BILBO: Win, hopefully, Frodo my lad!
ARAGORN: We'll miss you, Bilbo. Let me say you've been the least troublesome
BILBO: Shall I interpret that as 'most boring'?
at his inaugeration, Celeborn is left adrift for a few minutes
until Legolas remembers his manners and Gimli comes with him.)
Fare thee well, Celeborn, and give our regards to the Lady.
CELEBORN: She'll be awfully mad I didn't win.
GIMLI: We can't all win. Give... give her my regards, you understand?
CELEBORN: I shall make a point of it.
(It is a
sober procession to the gates that evening. There is hardly a word,
except Bilbo's hasty advice for Frodo to 'cheer up' and some nervous
giggling from Eowyn and Elrond. In the living room, Gorbag is dancing around
like a maniac. With half-hearted farewells, the housemates bid goodbye to
Bombadil, Elrond, Celeborn, Bilbo and Rosie.)
(After the gates shut there is a still silence for about five seconds.)
I'm... I'm going to bed. I'll see you all in about three days
when I can stand it.
off alone. Frodo makes a move as if to go after him, but Legolas
(Gorbag walks into the bedroom where Sam is quietly lying face-down on his
GORBAG: Hey Sam. Sorry about wot happened, with your girlfriend and all.
(Sam buries his head further into the pillow and does not speak.)
GORBAG: Sulking, are we? Well, that's a pretty way to behave!
(Legolas is standing in the doorway, arms crossed.)
Gorbag, I think it's best if you left Sam alone for a while, OK?
GORBAG: Just trying to be friendly!
LEGOLAS: I know, but bugger off all the same, will you?
gives him a filthy look and leaves to go annoy Frodo. Legolas sits
on the side of Sam's bed, rubbing his shoulder supportively and talking
Do you want to talk about it?
SAM: No. Not yet.
LEGOLAS: Do you want me to go away?
SAM: Not if you don't want to.
LEGOLAS: All right. Well, I'm just going to sit here and be quiet, and you
can talk to me when you want to, all right?
LEGOLAS: Have you got a clean handkerchief?
LEGOLAS: All right.
(Back in the living room, Aragorn, Gimli, Eowyn and Frodo sit talking.)
I mean, I know there's still ten of us left, but the house feels
all empty suddenly, doesn't it?
FRODO: It'll be a nice change to sleep in a bed on my own, I'll admit. You
can't think how Merry kicks in his sleep!
ARAGORN: Are you sure it was his sleep?
FRODO: Ha. Very funny. Where's Legolas?
ARAGORN: He's with Sam.
FRODO: Oh dear. He must be horribly hurt. I'd best go and see him.
ARAGORN: No- I wouldn't if I were you, Frodo. He's already got Legolas in
there, and the last thing I think he wants is everyone making a big deal
FRODO: He always made a big deal out of me.
GIMLI: And it annoyed the hell out of you, didn't- what in blazes are you
three DOING over there?
(Merry, Pippin and Gollum look up guiltily.)
GIMLI: Oh, Merry, don't tell me you're playing that ridiculous game too!
MERRY: It's not a ridiculous game, it's great therapy! Frodo, come over here
and try it. You'll be a new hobbit.
FRODO: I sure would be. I'd need a new heart transplant if I tried that!
MERRY: Come here!
him and goes over to where Pippin and Gollum are trying to
see whether they can make it from the kitchen bench to the lounge in a
in the bedroom, Sam finally sits up. Legolas is surprised to find
that he hasn't been crying his eyes out.)
I've been thinking about things... it said in the rule book
that I can leave any time I like. Well... I'm... I'm ready to leave now, I
LEGOLAS: Sam, do you really think so?
SAM: I do.
LEGOLAS: I don't. I really don't, Sam. Rosie will still be there when you
get out, you know, and although ten weeks at the most sounds like a long
time, you'll have forever after that. And we love you in here, Sam. Nobody
wants you to leave. Frodo adores you, the other hobbits look up to you. Even
Gorbag's trying to be nice to you, though nobody grudges you for not liking
SAM: I can't stand it in here. I can't.
LEGOLAS: I think you can. You're in shock, Sam, it was bound to happen this
way. If... if you're determined to leave, I can't stop you, but could you
promise me you'll stay on for at least the next challenge? By then you'll be
calmer and you'll know your thoughts better.
SAM: All... all right.
his head in the pillow again. Legolas looks up. Aragorn is standing
in the doorway. He mouths 'do you want me to go'? and Legolas nods. He
(The night passes painfully for some. Sam gets up once to go to the
bathroom, but other than that he doesn't move, despite Legolas' coaxing.
Frodo, feeling guilty that he has had fun destroying the living room with
the other hobbits, sits on his bed and reads, cocking an eye over at Sam
occasionally. Gimli restlessly decides to wash the kitchen floor at 2 am.
Gorbag raids the fridge and eats a huge sandwich in bed. Aragorn gives him a
filthy look and he offers him some, but Aragorn declines.)
the morning, when everyone is finally asleep, Sam clambers out of
bed and goes to the diary room.)
Sam Gamgee's decided what to do, and when I make up my mind it
stays made up. I'm going to see the job through. I have to, for everyone
who's been so nice to me- Frodo, and Legolas, and all. Only I wish it wasn't
so hard... but then, moping probably won't make it better. I DO feel better
this morning... I can deal with almost anything better in daylight as not.
back to his bedroom where everyone is still asleep, except Frodo,
who is lying quietly staring at the ceiling.)
FRODO: I'm awfully sorry. Please don't think I abandoned you last night or
anything. I know you were always the first person to come running when I cr-
I mean, when I was sad.
SAM: Oh, that's all right. Listen, are you tired? I'm not.
FRODO: Neither am I.
SAM: I feel like a dawn stroll in the garden, don't you?
FRODO: I guess so. Wait until I get some clothes on.
out unobtrusively. Aragorn is the next to wake, and heads for
the showers. Before he gets there comes a piercing shout from behind him
which makes him nearly jump out of his skin.)
Wakey-wake, housemates! It's a brand new day! Let's go and raid the
LEGOLAS (still half asleep): Gorbag, do you really drink at 6 am at home?
GORBAG: Well... not exactly. Me mam is always on at me about it, though, she
says I should start eating healthy.
LEGOLAS: This is reality television, Gorbag, you're only allowed to do
things you'd normally do at home.
GORBAG: Well, look, now you got me all worked up and excited and I can't
sleep no more. 'You going back to sleep, Legsie, eh?
LEGOLAS: Are you kidding me?
GORBAG: Wanna play some hackysack?
GIMLI (From under the covers of his bed):No.
gestures to Gorbag silently and they sneak out, tiptoeing past
Gimli who still has his head under the blanket.)
GIMLI: I saw that.
all the housemates get up one after the other. Pippin, Merry
and Gollum go into the shower together, where under the cover of the hot
running water they confide in one another.)
did you think about last night?
PIPPIN: Poor Sam. That really was sad. Did you see him this morning?
MERRY: He wasn't there when I got up, I went in to see if he was OK.
GOLLUM: He's in the garden with Frodo! We saw them through the window!
PIPPIN: Getting over his loss, no doubt!
(Merry slaps him over the ear and he stumbles, slipping on the soap. The
effect is so comical that Merry and Gollum laugh.)
PIPPIN: That wasn't funny! I could have fallen on the floor and hit my head
and been brained!
MERRY: No brains there to hurt, Pip my lad.
PIPPIN: Stop it!
MERRY: Oh, Pip, you walked right into that one!
PIPPIN: Why do you have to be so mean all the time?
MERRY: I can't help it. Its my nature.
GOLLUM: Nice hobbitses, can Smeagol confide in the nice hobbitses?
PIPPIN: Of course you can, Smeagol.
GOLLUM: Only... it has to promise not to tell, not tell anyone, precious!
PIPPIN: Can you stick to that, Merry?
MERRY : (Cleaning suds out of his ears) Hey?
PIPPIN: Smeagol wants to spill a secret. Can you trust yourself not to blab?
MERRY: As long as he's not going to tell me he's Eowyn's newest prize, I'll
GOLLUM: No! Smeagol doesn't like Eowyn. Smeagol wants to say something
else... Smeagol... stole the Red Book from Frodo, yess, yesss, and lots of
other things too! We wantsss to confess!
(Merry and Pippin look at one another.)
Gollum, maybe that's not such a good idea. The goods are back,
let's just leave it at that, huh?
Sam in the Garden (!)
(Strolling amongst the hollyhocks and nasturtians, Sam clears his throat and
bends down to pull some weeds away from the garden borders.)
there something you wanted to say, Sam?
SAM: Er, well... I don't really know where to begin... oh... I'm not going
to put the hard word on you, sir...(seeing Frodo's strange expression) ...
only I do so want to tell you how wretched I feel!
FRODO: Maybe if we sat down it would help clear your thoughts.
(They sit down. The whole garden is bathed in morning sunlight.)
beautiful, innit? Reminds me of when we got to those crossroads in
FRODO: Shhh! Not everyone in the audience has read the books yet!
(Sam looks confused.)
are you talking about, Sir?
FRODO: Oh, nothing. Go on.
SAM: Well... er... last night I was awfully upset, Frodo, and I told Legolas
I was leaving on Wednesday.
FRODO: What? You can't leave me here alone, Sam!
SAM: Well, that's what I thought to myself this morning. I said to myself,
'Sam Gamgee, you didn't abandon Mr. Frodo in C- (er, begging your pardon
sir, in that wee difficult spot we got into on the Quest,) 'and you're not
going to do it now. Buck up, Sam Gamgee.' And I have. But it's so hard...
(Sounds like he's about to cry)
Sam, please don't. I really can't stand to see you this way.
SAM: I can't help it.
FRODO: Well, I don't know. Last night I thought to myself much of what
you're thinking- I hate this place, everyone hates me, I want to go home. I
have been a real sod these last few weeks, and you can deny it if you like,
but you know it's true. And so I decided that if I'm going to be here at all
I'm going to make the best of it. It won't always be happy, but it can be
delightful. Don't you know that, Sam?
SAM: I think that.
FRODO: Right. So start believing it, Sam. Of course it's natural- and right,
Sam, to feel sad about Rosie. But she'll be there when you get out. In the
meantime, chin up, OK?
SAM: You're right. I do feel better.
FRODO: Good. Now help me pick some of these Nasturtians, Sam, so I can put
them in Aragorn's bed and pretend they're from Eowyn.
SAM (grinning) : They do say you're elvish, sir, but you are a hobbit at
heart and no mistake!
for fifth eviction
Here they are, people.
nominating Gorbag for 2 points this week, and Eowyn for 1.
Gorbag's just plain irritating, and I can't forget my grudge against him for
replacing Rosie and for... for... C.U. Eowyn's a lazy tart, and I can't wait
to be rid of her.
nominating Gorbag for 2 points. I'm really sorry, I'm trying to
accept him, but I just can't stand him. For 1 point I'm nominating Gimli,
purely because I don't step on anyone's toes when I vote him. He can't stand
this place, he told me so.
nominating Eowyn for 2 points. After that little affair with
Elrond I'm well and truly sick to death of her, I'm sure. For 1 point I'm
nominating Gorbag, and I know this sounds dreadful, but I'm doing a bit of a
bandwagon vote here, because I know Frodo and Sam and Aragorn hate him.
I'm voting Eowyn out because she makes me uncomfortable because
she's so... girly! 1 point I'm giving to Sam, poor chap, because I know he
I'm giving 2 points to Gorbag because I think without him we'd be
almost happy together, the eight of us. 1 point I'm giving to Eowyn because
I'd sooner have everyone else in the house besides her.
well, I made a list of people in the house and the pecking
order in which I wanted them to stay. Unfortunately Eowyn came last on the
list, I nominate her for 2 points. Second last was Gollum, who drives me
crazy, and I nominate him for 1 point.
I'm nominating Gimli for 2 points. I've never been fond of him, and
unlike most of the others in this house, we're not close. Unfortunate but
true. For 1 point I'm nominating Eowyn because I don't think she's a team
We nominates the nasty Orc for 2 points! He eats all our food, yesss
precious! And we nominates the grumpy Dwarf for 1 point!
Ooh, goodie, my first vote! Um, I was going ter vote 'Arrers out,
but he's such a sport I don't want to any more! I nominate Sam off for 2
points, 'cos he obviously wants to be with his girlfriend. And I'm giving
Eowyn a point 'cos she's a pushy tart!
BB: This is Big Brother. This week there are three nominees- Eowyn, Gorbag,
and Gimli. Thankyou.
(When the housemates awake the next morning they are rather in for a
surprise. In the livingroom stands a huge Christmas tree, all over gold and
silver tinsel and baubles and with presents underneath. Likewise there are
Christmas decorations over the whole house. Outside, Big Brother have used a
combination of ice and soap bubbles to create 'snow' four feet deep.)
What on EARTH?
PIPPIN: It's Christmas, Aragorn, Christmas in July!
moment the intercom crackles and a funky modern version of 'Mary's
Boy Child' is played all over the house.)
look outside, Pippin! It's snowing!
PIPPIN: Well, what are we waiting for! Let's go play in the snow!
Pippin and Gollum race outside and jump off the porch steps, of
course disappearing into the 'snow.' Frodo and Sam eye each other askance.)
like fun, Mr. Frodo.
FRODO: Race you to the back door!!
(They race outside and join the others.)
and Gorbag investigate the kitchen to discover Big Brother have
provided the housemates with a full (though uncooked) Christmas dinner,
pudding and all.)
I wonder why Big Brother are being so nice to us?
GORBAG: Who cares? Let's get this grub in the oven!
do so. By the time Legolas goes out to the porch to see the
fun, Eowyn has joined the hobbits in the snow, still in her nightgown, with
bubbles flying up everywhere. Aragorn stoically stands on the porch, though
he looks impatient.)
Eowyn, Aragorn says he had a dream about you just like this!
ARAGORN: Sod off! (Pushes him goodnaturedly off the porch into the snow.)
remains in the kitchen, peeling potatoes. He has been decidedly
quiet since being nominated the night before. Legolas comes into the house,
sopping wet with soap bubbles.)
Gimli, come join the fun!
GIMLI: Don't want to.
LEGOLAS: Oh, come on, don't be so ridiculous!
(Rubs soap bubbles in his hair.)
LEGOLAS (realising his is serious) : What's wrong with you?
GIMLI: I just got ******* nominated, that's what's wrong with me!
LEGOLAS: Oh, Gimli, everybody's going to have their turn! At least you're
not the first!
GIMLI: What have I ever done to anyone, that's what I want to know.
LEGOLAS: Er... well, you weren't nice to Frodo and Sam the first day we were
here, Gimli, and you're not very nice to Gorby. But don't worry about it!
Come out here now!
(Drags him by the arm and he unwillingly goes.)
the morning Legolas decks himself out as a Christmas elf. Under
the tree are presents for the housemates from friends and family at home.)
Who'll be the first to get a present? (Picks up a present.) It's
for you, Aragorn. Come and sit on the Christmas Elf's knee and get your
ARAGORN: (Laughing) I'm not sitting on your knee!
LEGOLAS: Oh, I really think you want to. The handwriting's from Arwen.
(Aragorn gingerly sits on Legolas' lap.)
Have you been a good boy this year?
LEGOLAS: Ah, well have a present anyway. Now kiss the Christmas Elf.
Aragorn plants one on him and goes away to open his
present- a shirt with an Elvish logo on it.)
one Legolas distributes the presents to the housemates, all of whom
he insists sit on his knee. Pippin gets a sweater and socks from his
parents. Sam gets his bedspread from home from the Gaffer, and aftershave
from Rosie. Gimli's family send him a mithril coat. Nobody wants to know
what is in the suspicious and anonymous package Gorbag recieves. Merry's
parents send him his Snugglebunny, given to him circa aged 5, and causing
him a lot of embarrassment. Faramir sends Eowyn a photo of them together
taken in front of Minas Tirith.)
And look. There's something for Smeagol down here.
GOLLUM: No! Smeagol has no family, no friends!
LEGOLAS: I think he does. Come over and see what Big Brother got you,
(Smeagol goes to look. Under the tree is Baby Precious.)
My precious! (Bursts into tears, grabbing the baby and climbing into
an armchair with it.)
FRODO: Oh, for heaven's sake...
LEGOLAS: And you, Frodo. Let's see what you got for Christmas.
FRODO: Handkerchiefs. Bilbo gives me handkerchiefs every blessed year.
LEGOLAS: Oh, these things aren't from Bilbo. Come see.
(In a HUGE
package, Frodo recieves- a brown velvet waistcoat, two
cheesecakes, a patchwork bedspread, a bottle of Old Wineyards and a
brown-eyed puppy, tied up under the tree with this legend around his neck-
'Fro babes, Merry Christmas. Love, The Harem.')
So, Frodo, who's The Harem?
FRODO (picking up the puppy,) : I... I have no idea. But they must be
unwise. I'll never be able to keep this puppy.
GIMLI: Of course you will be. Big Brother wouldn't have brought it in,
MERRY: And what did Legolas get?
LEGOLAS: Legolas got a bottle of Scotch. He'll be a Merry Elf this
Christmas! Now let's get stuck into these bonbons!
(Despite the fact that it's Christmas, BB aren't going to let our housemates
off with no Wednesday challenge. Once Legolas has seen to the meal, Gollum
has disappeared with Precious, the hobbits are fighting over Frodo's puppy,
Schnoodle, and the whole house reeks of new clothes and aftershave, the
Morning and Merry Christmas, housemates. It's time for this week's
Do we HAVE to?
BB: We think you'll like this challenge. It's very simple. Throughout the
next 24 hours, you will at certain times hear music from the loudspeakers.
Each time you hear it, no matter what you're doing, you must drop everything
and go outside to the porch and dance to it. Everyone must be assembled in
no more than 20 seconds.Anyone not dancing or not putting their heart into
it will disqualify the whole team. If you pass, Big Brother has a Christmas
Present for you all. If you fail, you lose $50 off this week's shopping
LEGOLAS: Sounds like fun!
GIMLI: I can't bloody dance!
GORBAG: Neither k'ni!
moment, 'Young Hearts Run Free' starts blaring over the
LEGOLAS: Come on! Let's go!
all do, some more excitedly than others. Pippin runs out to find
Gollum and drags him out with two seconds to spare. They've only been
dancing for five seconds before it stops.)
MERRY: This challenge really bites!
LEGOLAS: Speaking of bites, let's eat!
and Gorbag dish up the Christmas Dinner, complete with tinsel table
decorations. Everyone has only just started eating when they're interrupted
by 'Its Raining Men', followed closely by 'Lady Marmalade.')
erm, I guess this is a good way to lose weight!
SAM: You don't need to lose weight, Mr. Frodo.
MERRY: You do, Sam.
(Sam looks crushed.)
shut your mouth or I'll tell everyone in the world what they
used to call you at Buckland Junior! Wherever has Gollum got to?
GIMLI: He's with that doll of his. Thank Eru Big Brother gave it back, we
won't see him for a week now.
up to take his plate to the sink, but Sam takes it off him. Just
as he does so, 'The Macarena' comes over the intercom.)
(looking sheepishly at Legolas): Remember that time in Imladris
where Glorfindel spiked the punch and we did this one on karaoke?
LEGOLAS: Well, come on! Let's show these slow ones how it's done!
runs out on the porch again. Aragorn and Legolas lead the
Macarena. Even Gimli has fun.)
(As they come back in, Aragorn puts a hand on Legolas' shoulder.)
Do you realize how stupid we're going to look doing this on
LEGOLAS: Ah, who cares?
(For once, all the hobbits have decided they are going to try to enjoy their
time in Big Brother and have fun. Soon after sunrise they go out into the
garden to play British Bulldogs, but they soon tire of it.)
really is no fun without Tom. Let's just sit down and yammer.
And no, Fro, I don't think there'll be any spiders out here after Gimli's
scare. He's been exterminating anything that creeps and crawls for the past
(They sit down on the grass gingerly.)
You know, I've just realised something sad!
MERRY: Pip, I don't think Frodo and Sam want to hear about something sad!
PIPPIN: Oh, but I have to say it! I just realised that I don't want any of
you to leave. I just love everyone in the house so much. But... we'll all be
leaving, won't we, unless one of us wins? Though I think you'll win, Frodo.
FRODO: Pip, don't. You'll get into trouble for saying things like that.
the house they can hear Aragorn bellowing 'Gor-bag! How many
times did I tell you last night that I wanted you to leave me some Coco Pops
SAM: Pippin, I'd leave it at that.
FRODO: Pip, no more!
PIPPIN: I just-
MERRY: Zip it!
grudgingly has Corn Flakes for breakfast. He sits on the sofa and
munches on them sullenly, his lank hair falling over his face. Legolas,
perched on one of the kitchen stools, looks at him in amusement.)
Got anything planned for today, Arrers?
ARAGORN: Are you kidding?
LEGOLAS: Great. Because after breakfast I'm giving you a makeover.
ARAGORN: A- a what?
LEGOLAS: A makeover. You know, that mean and dirty look is really getting
old. Take Frodo for example. Girls love him, clean and neat and all. Now
I'll give you an hour, and then you're mine.
ARAGORN: No way!
LEGOLAS: Oh, come on! Nothing too drastic. I'm going to wash and cut your
hair and see to your clothes. You'll look great- won't he, Frodo?
wandered in in search of Gollum, who has crawled away behind one
of the sofas and is singing to Precious- 'Rock a bye baby precioussss... on
the tree topssss....")
Hell-o! Middle Earth to Frodo Baggins!
LEGOLAS: I'm going to give Aragorn a makeover over breakfast.
FRODO: Lucky him.
an hour later Legolas takes on the arduous task of washing
Aragorn's hair in the kitchen sink, then sits him down to see what can be
done. Aragorn sees the scissors he's holding and flips.)
No! You're not cutting my hair!!
LEGOLAS: Hold still, will you, or you'll get it in the neck!
Aragorn submits. As he gleefully hews and snips, Legolas starts
humming the intro to Hair.)
Will you knock that off!
LEGOLAS: Sorry. Just getting some atmosphere happening!
Legolas does his work thoroughly and well, giving Aragorn a
'gelspike' haircut. He gives Aragorn a mirror. Aragorn nearly passes out.)
ARAGORN: Oh, my gawd!
(Frodo walks in, his arms full of Legolas' bewildering variety of clothes.)
look fantastic, Aragorn! Legolas, line me up for one of those-
LEGOLAS: I'm not touching those glorious curls of yours with a ten foot
pole, Frodo. If there's one of you hobbits that needs a haircut, it's
ARAGORN: I feel all scratchy. Should I shave?
LEGOLAS: Eru grant me patience, no! The stubble look is back in. It's a pity
Frodo hasn't any stubble, he'd look adorable with it!
FRODO: I don't want to look adorable! I am a grown-up, you know! I want to
be taken seriously!
LEGOLAS: Of course, of course. Dollface, could you pass me that silver-mesh
muscle shirt? Aragorn, you'll look great in this, and if you want it, you
can have it. It's too big for me since I took glandular fever last year and
lost ten pounds.
ARAGORN: I think I'd look ridiculous with that girlie top on, Legsie. No
offence, of course.
LEGOLAS: Offence? Oh, you have mortally wounded me! My heart is broken!
ARAGORN: Aw, gee-
LEGOLAS: And the only way to make it up to me is to put this thing on NOW!
puts it on. Ditto leather pants and copper-heeled boots. He stands
in front of the mirror miserably.)
I look like a gimp.
LEGOLAS: You do not-
in in search of some food. He sees Aragorn and stops short in
ARAGORN: See, he's laughing at me!
MERRY: No, I'm not! That shirt's really cool, is it yours, Legsie?
LEGOLAS: You don't seriously think anyone else in this house would own
something like that?
MERRY: Point taken. Hey Legsie, what do you think I'd look like without
LEGOLAS: Don't ask.
MERRY: Oh! If you just snip off-
(At 2 am, Aragorn wakes up and looking over discovers that Frodo is not in
his bed. He gets up and goes out to the kitchen where he discovers Frodo,
sleepwalking, standing at the sink with his hands full of cutlery. He gently
takes the cutlery off him and steering him in the direction of his bed,
settles him and tucks him in, all without waking him up).
(As he's about to go back to bed, Pippin rolls over sleepily.)
ARAGORN: What do you mean, 'again'?
PIPPIN: Sam caught him at it a couple of days ago, picking the flowers off
his bedspread. To tell you the truth, I think poor Fro's going stark raving
bonkers.Wherever is that Mutt of his?
ARAGORN: On the end of your bed where you put him, Pip.
(Pippin looks down at Schnoodle.)
Can't get rid of him.
ARAGORN: Yeah, OK.
PIPPIN: Oh, I'm too tired to argue with you. Can I ask you a question?
ARAGORN: Make it quick.
PIPPIN: Do you think the other bedroom is cursed?
PIPPIN: I just think it's spooky that this week's evictees are all in the
same room.The other hobbits say the place is cursed. We wouldn't shift to
the other room for anything!
ARAGORN: But they weren't all to begin with, we've been swapping beds all
over the place, Pip. I wouldn't read anything into it.
PIPPIN (half asleep): OK. And... there's just one more thing...
(Aragorn goes back to bed, miffed.)
housemates wake up the next morning they find that Big Brother has
given them their promised Christmas Present- a ping pong table. Gimli, still
half-asleep, eyes it dourly.)
GIMLI: Well, half of us will have fun with this. Where has Legolas got to?
now he's been given some creative license in the house, is
unstoppable. As he's eating toast in bed, Eowyn brushes her hair out at the
You know, your hair would look great in a Mirkwood Braid.
EOWYN: Pray, what is a Mirkwood Braid?
LEGOLAS (jumping up): Oh, it's really incredibly easy. Give me a couple of
hair ties and I'll show you.
Gorbag has cojoled Gimli into what he calls a 'nice, quiet' game
of ping pong. As soon as they start, Gollum starts jumping up and down and
Oh! We wants a turn! We wants a turn NOW!
GORBAG (thwacking the ball REALLY hard): Later. We're busy.
GOLLUM: No, now!
GIMLI: Oh, let the little bugger play. He won't make much difference, and
there's four paddles.
GORBAG: Right, well, if you get an extra player so do I. How about it,
on the lounge, his nose in a book. (Note: Zoomcam shows it's 'The
Brothers Karamazov.') Close study shows he has been reading the same page of
the same book for 2 weeks.)
GORBAG: Table Tennis?
FRODO: Uh... no thanks.
GORBAG: Oh, cut me some slack! I'm trying to be nice, damn it-
FRODO: Oh... all right. But I want to be on your team.
GORBAG: Consider it done.
Legolas uses the opportunity alone with Eowyn to get her into a
LEGOLAS: How do you feel about being nominated?
(Eowyn shrugs her shoulders carelessly.)
don't much care, to be honest. I'm ready to go. I've had my time
out here, and I won't win, that's for sure.
LEGOLAS: Do you resent the fact that you got nominated?
EOWYN: No, considering the amount of people I screwed around. Aragorn,
Merry, Sam... and you're not impressed with me, I'm sure. That's half the
LEGOLAS: Why wouldn't I be impressed with you?
EOWYN: Oh, come on! You think I'm a whore!
LEGOLAS: Keep your head still, these things are hard! Erm... no, I never
said you were a whore. But Elves don't have much to say to mortal women, and
that's a fact.
(She says nothing.)
Are you looking forward to seeing Faramir again?
EOWYN: Do you think he'll forgive me?
LEGOLAS: Depends on how nicely you ask.
(After the usual morning rush of showers, eating, fighting, cleaning etc,
Aragorn pulls rank on the others to call a 'housemate meeting.' Everyone
attends, though Merry has to threaten to take Schnoodle away from Pippin to
make him pay attention.)
(Aragorn stands up and clears his throat.)
Well, I think one of these meetings is LONG overdue, don't you?
Basically, I just wanted to give us an opportunity to say things out in the
open without judgment- what's bugging us, things we enjoy and want more of,
and so forth. Does anyone want to start?
PIPPIN: Damn that's a great hair style!
ARAGORN and LEGOLAS: Pippin!
MERRY (sternly): I think I may have to give Schnoodle to Fro, Pippin, if
you're not going to behave and pay attention. It is his dog after all.
(Reaches across to take the puppy out of his hands.)
No-o-o! Please, I'll be good!
FRODO: Oh, let him hold it, Merry.
MERRY: He's driving me crazy!
ARAGORN: Well, if he's not going to pay attention-
takes some time to unravel. Finally, Pippin keeps Schnoodle, on
threat from Sam who sits next to him that the NEXT REMARK and the puppy goes
Anyhow, does anyone have anything constructive to say?
LEGOLAS: I've got a complaint.
LEGOLAS: Yeah. I want to know why Bedroom 2 has become like a leper colony.
ARAGORN: What's that supposed to mean?
LEGOLAS: I mean it consists of the three nominees and me. We feel awfully
popular away back there.
ARAGORN: I don't want to make the hobbits separate. And they need
babysitting, I can tell you. Here's how it stands. Frodo won't separate from
Sam, who won't separate from Merry, who won't separate from Pippin, who
won't separate from Gollum. You don't want to be parted with Gimli. Eowyn
and I think that it's best we spend some time apart, me and Merry. And
nobody likes Gorbag.
ARAGORN: If you can arrange ten people in 12 beds any better, let me know.
LEGOLAS: Hmmphhh. OK.
ARAGORN: Anything else?
FRODO: Er... I'd like to say something.
ARAGORN: Go ahead.
(Frodo stands up, a piece of paper in his hand.)
as you all know, I'm a hobbit of words, and I haven't been very
happy lately. Bilbo used to tell me to try to write out my problems, and I
have. I've written haikus about you all, if you'll listen. Firstly, Aragorn:
You have cast yourself aside
Which Backstreet Boy are you?
And here's Gimli:
Now red-blooded anger
Why don't you like ping pong?
So you can
Turn the ring of power
Into a doll. Impressive.
stand three feet
No-one remembers it,
Ask any woman in Bree.
and dress sense-
It's a pity that scarf
Isn't closer to your mouth.
up among plants
But an elf like you
Is usually known as a fruit.
Miles with the Rohirrim
And nobody NOTICED?
up the fridge
And dirty the bedroom,
You remind me of college.
And finally, Sam:
not bailed yet,
Then teach me, Sam, how
To not bail, but swim.
(He finishes and sits down. Stony silence. Frodo is suddenly embarrassed.)
FRODO: I didn't want to insult anyone.
Suddenly, Gorbag starts to snigger. The snigger turns into
snorting and snuffling, and Legolas cracks a smile. Soon both of them are
laughing, and everyone joins in, even Frodo.)
Frodo, this fruity elf is going to copy that legend onto cardboard
with calligraphy and hang it in the dining room!
ARAGORN: No further business?
LEGOLAS: Hell no, I'm going to get some cardboard and some of that leftover
paint. Gimli, Pip, come help me.
up and heads in the direction of the bedroom. As he walks past her
Eowyn stands up to walk away. He gives her a chummy hug and merrily walks
(staring): Tell me I didn't just see that, Sam.
SAM: I'm sure it's not what you think, Strider.
BIG BROTHER- Fifth eviction
GIMLI: This is it, Legolas. I'm history. Done for.
time of week again, and Gimli is lamenting with his head on
Legolas' shoulder. Gorbag, restlessly bouncing the ping pong ball against
the wall, stops.)
Listen, Gimli, who's more hated here, me or you?
GIMLI: Oh, but you're interesting! And so is Eowyn. I'm just so boring!
MERRY: Well, so is Frodo, and you see he hasn't been kicked out yet. And who
knows, maybe Eowyn will get the boot.
EOWYN: I'm starting to wish it so.
LEGOLAS: Well, Wynnie, I think you've wreaked as much havoc around this
place as is humanly possible. Still, you're the last girl, and if you go,
you'll certainly be mi-
evening housemates. This is Big Brother. It's time for this week's
GIMLI: Oh, Eru, I can't stand this!
BB: It's time to leave the house, Eowyn of Rohan.
EOWYN: Thank God!
runs up and gives her a tight hug. When she stands up, Aragorn
grabs her things and kisses her cheek.)
You're forcing me to be nice to Merry now, Eowyn. Give my regards
EOWYN: If he's still speaking to me.
ARAGORN: Oh, he will be. I know Faramir.
EOWYN: Oh, before I go-
a beer from the coffee table and turns to face the room,
all the boys I've had before, and all the boys I've kissed, and my
most sincere apologies, for all the boys I've missed!
(Suddenly someone realises the counter has started.)
everyone. Sorry I caused so much trouble.
MERRY: You were worth it. Here, I'll help you with that, Aragorn.
Legolas and Merry see her to the gate and wave goodbye. Gimli is
inert with shock. He sits on the floor and bangs his head against the lounge
a few times. Gorbag is as still as stone, still holding the pingpong paddle
in mid air.)
please. Sam to the diary room.
SAM: Looks like I'm in trouble again. (Runs off.)
As Aragorn, Merry and Legolas walk back, Aragorn clears his throat.)
Erm, Legsie, out of sheer morbid curiosity, were you boinking
(Legolas looks disgusted.)
What do you think I am?
MERRY: Gay, aren't you?
LEGOLAS: I prefer the word artistic. At any rate, you've got nothing to fear
come inside, Sam is emerging from the diary room with a piece of
SAM: Polling results. Gimli, I know you're in shock already at the moment,
but listen to this. Eowyn lost by a landslide. There was 1 vote for Gorbag-
GORBAG: I'll kill the ****!
SAM: Four for Gimli, and thirteen for Eowyn! Fancy that!
LEGOLAS: I think you'll be in here for a long while yet, Gimli.
(Legolas makes coffee resignedly, wiping his eyes a little. Gimli finally
gets off the floor and sits on the lounge. Suddenly realising there is one
nassssty little Imladrisian who voted against him, Gorbag's temper gets the
better of him and he thwacks the ping pong ball into the wall so hard that
it makes a hole.)
Do you mind not destroying our home?
GORBAG: When I find that little ______ I'm going to __________________!
ARAGORN: Charming. You're wasting your breath, this thing is on a time delay
and you'll get censored anyway.
(Silence. Merry, sensing tension, chips in weakly.)
Aragorn, you and I might get along now that Eowyn's left.
ARAGORN: We might not, either.
(Merry looks hurt.)
Oh, will you lighten up, Merry?
MERRY: Lighten up? You'll come out of this house with Eowyn as your
stepmother in law. Then who'll be telling who to lighten up, mmm?
(Aragorn turns pale at the thought.)
Ah, don't let it get to you, Strider. We hobbits live like that and
have done for ages. Bilbo's Frodo's cousin AND his Uncle, both ways, and
when my grandmother got widowed she married her brother in law, so she's my
Mum's mother AND Auntie...
LEG0LAS: That's gross.
FRODO: Legsie, the Elves have hardly got a good track record with regards to
SAM: Don't say that!
ARAGORN: All-right! Merry, you started that.
MERRY: Did not!
ARAGORN: Did too!
GORBAG: The next person who starts will have this paddle across their head!
Now that Eowyn's gone, Aragorn, can I please have a go at arranging
these beds a bit better?
ARAGORN: Knock yourself out, I'm not the Big Brother Emperor, you know.
(Legolas goes out to see what he can do.)
(Legolas moves Frodo and Sam into the 'cursed' bedroom, since they're the
only hobbits who aren't afraid to move. Resignedly, Frodo allows Schnoodle
to stay in the other room.)
Merry and Pippin hear Schnoodle pattering around the room
playing puppy games.)
did you let that dog out after dinner?
PIPPIN: Of course I did. I'm not stupid, you know.
MERRY: Did you remember to feed him?
(Pippin looks guilty.)
ARAGORN: Frodo fed him from the table. Now for God's sake go to sleep!
morning Frodo, Sam and Legolas are awoken by piercing shrieks
from the next room. They run out to see what's the matter. Schnoodle has all
but destroyed Merry's Snugglebunny, and has Aloysius hanging from his mouth.
Merry and Pippin are in hysterics)
Snugglebunny! I've had that thing for over thirty years!
PIPPIN: Aloysius! He's my best friend!
Schnoodle wags his tail delightedly and shakes Aloysius
Bad dog!! (Slaps him on the nose. He squeals and drops Aloysius.)
SAM: Hey! There's no call to be cruel!
slinks behind Frodo's legs and Frodo picks him up and cuddles
him. Realising that Snugglebunny is gone forever, Merry sinks to the floor
was going to keep that forever!
PIPPIN: Oh, Aragorn, can Aloysius be saved?
picks Aloysius up. He has a rip in his side and one of his arms is
hanging by a thread, but he's otherwise not too bad.)
ARAGORN: Does anyone know how to sew?
(Dead silence. Cicadas heard from outside.)
FRODO: What about you? Didn't you mend your own clothes in the wild, when
you ripped them?
ARAGORN: Nope. I just left 'em ripped.
(Quietly, someone pipes up from the back of the room.)
GIMLI: Erm... I can sew. If I have something to sew with.
to blubber, running the remains of Snugglebunny through his
hands. Sam helps him off the floor and takes him out to the living room.)
I'm going to see Big Brother now about it. Today when Merry calms
down we're going to have a meeting about That Dog.
(Looks ominously at Schnoodle.)
an hour later they are gathered in a ring in the living room,
with Frodo on a chair in the middle, with Schnoodle in his lap. Gimli is
sewing up Aloysius.)
(Aragorn clears his throat.)
Frodo, let's just get to the point. What's to be done with the dog?
FRODO: You want to take away Schnoodle?
ARAGORN: That's not what I said. I want the most amount of people to be
happy. Now we have to make a decision on this dog, which has destroyed an
heirloom of Merry's... (renewed sobbing from Merry)And almost destroyed
Aloysius. In addition, he's misbehaved on the carpet four times in three
days. He's slowly destroying this place.
FRODO: Oh... please... don't take away Schnoodle!
LEGOLAS: Perhaps something else can be done. I do not see the need to take
him away completely.
GORBAG: Well, what else are we going to do with the little bugger? What say
you, Gollum? You've been very quiet!
GOLLUM: We doesn't care what happens to puppy! Just keep it away from
ARAGORN: Yes, well, there is that. Can you imagine what would happen if
Schnoodle got into Precious?
GOLLUM: We'd kill it, precious!
(Sam clears his throat nervously.)
I think we should all calm down. I'm sorry for your loss, Merry,
and no mistake. But we can't go blaming a pup who doesn't know any better,
and anyways it's not fair to punish Frodo for Schnoodle's behaviour. I say
we keep Schnoodle outside during the day, where dogs belong. And I say if
you don't want Schnoodle into your things, close the door, and he won't be
able to get in.
LEGOLAS: That's a wise choice, Sam.
ARAGORN: I don't see a problem with it. As far as I'm concerned the Mutt is
on probation. But we have to consult the real victims in this. What do you
think, Pip? Merry?
PIPPIN: Is Aloysius all right, Gimli?
GIMLI: Well, he'll have a scar, but he'll recover, Pip.
PIPPIN; Then Schnoodle should stay. He is pretty cute after all.
MERRY: I guess getting rid of him won't bring the bunny back.
(Frodo puts Schnoodle on the floor and hugs Merry.)
was a brave decision, Merry.
MERRY: Oh, God I want to go home!
FRODO: Um... this was a hard decision I've been stewing over all week. I
nominate Gollum for 2 points. It's not personal. But in the scheme of things
there are other people I'd prefer not to kick out. For 1 point I nominate
Gorbag. I bet he's up to something nasty.
SAM: I'm giving 2 points to Gorbag. I can see why audiences love him, but I
don't! 1 point I'm giving to Gimli. I could see at the council that he
clearly wanted to be rid of Schnoodle, and I can't let that happen!
MERRY: I'm giving Frodo 2 points. I know the dog incident wasn't his fault,
but if the dog stays Frodo must go and take him with him. 1 point I'm giving
to Gollum. Precious may have shut him up, but he's still a pest.
PIPPIN: Oh, I don't want to nominate this week! I just love everybody so
much! OK, I nominate Merry for 2 points because he's so upset about
Snugglebunny. I'm giving Fro a point because I don't want his dog around
ARAGORN: I nominate Gorbag for 2 points. He simply doesn't belong around
here- he's not like the rest of us. I'm giving 1 point to Sam- I know he's
still pining for Rosie, and the more silent he is about it, the more he'll
suffer, I'm afraid.
LEGOLAS: I'm nominating Merry for 2 points. I've been going about the place,
getting to know everyone- and I can't get to know Merry. He's very distant.
Gorbag is easier to get close to! For 1 point I nominate Gollum. It'll only
be a matter of time before Pip realises he's been thrown over for Precious
again, and that will break his heart.
GIMLI: I nominate Frodo for 2 points. The mutt must go. I think Frodo is
beginning to be the house darling, and that will cause trouble later on. For
1 point I nominate Gollum. Very annoying social habits.
GOLLUM: We nominates the cranky dwarf for 2 points! And Aragorn for 1 point!
GORBAG: That little twerp Pippin's really eating at me. I give him 2 points.
And Arrers is conspiring, or thinking about it, I'm giving him 1 point.
BB: Good evening housemates. It's Tuesday and time for nominations. This
week there are 3- Gorbag, Gollum and Frodo. Thankyou.
FRODO and GORBAG: Not again!
(After nominations are announced, Frodo heads outside to play with
Schnoodle. Merry walks out on his way to the pool and stops by.)
MERRY: Chin up?
FRODO: As always. (Shouts to Pippin and Gollum, who are already in, and out,
the pool): Hey! No running in the pool area!
PIPPIN: Frodo, how can we bomb one another without getting a running start?
FRODO: Be careful! If you fall down, Pippin, and break both your legs, don't
come crying to me!
moment, Pippin slips and hits his face quite roughly on the
concrete. Like a child, he is more startled than pained for a few seconds,
then he realises his lip is bleeding and it hits him. Getting up, he looks
at Frodo, remembers the warning, and starts for the house.)
PIPPIN: Aragorn! I'm bleeding!
(Frodo stops him as he goes past.)
come here, you silly hobbit, you know I didn't mean it. Here, sit
still and let me have a look... oh... (turns green.) Looks like you've
knocked a tooth out. Where is it?
PIPPIN: I think I swallowedit!
(Gollum climbs out of the pool guiltily and begins to whine.)
We didn't do it, no precious!
FRODO: Well, of course you didn't. Just move out of the light, will you,
(Smeagol goes into the house.)
no sitting on the lounge if you're sopping wet!
FRODO: Merry, go over there and see if Pippin's left his tooth on the
MERRY: You want me to go over there and look for a grotty, bloody tooth?
sigh, Merry does so. In the meantime Pippin's howls redouble and
Aragorn opens the screen door.)
FRODO: Oh, he was mucking around in the pool area. Slipped and knocked a
MERRY: Found it!
(Comes running back with the tooth. Aragorn looks at it.)
Why, that's a BABY tooth!
MERRY (paternally): Pip, did you by any chance have a loose tooth anyway?
PIPPIN: It was only a bit loose!
(Aragorn rolls his eyes.)
ARAGORN: You really are hopeless, Pip. Come on, let's get you inside.
(They bring Pippin inside. Sam meets them at the door and sits Pippin down.)
I... I keep swallowing blood!
SAM: Here, here's my handkerchief. Spit it out, Pip.
PIPPIN: But it tastes so nasty!
SAM: When I got a tooth knocked out, the Gaffer always gave me salt water to
FRODO: My grandfather used to do that with me, too.
PIPPIN: Oh, but that'll sting!
heedful of Merry's warning, is grovelling on the floor. Gimli and
Gorbag come out of the bathroom at all the racket, but Legolas, who has been
trying to fix Gimli's defunct walkman, is last of all.)
He should gargle with salty-
ARAGORN: See, Pip? Even Legsie says so. Now come on, it won't sting that
grimacing and groaning, gargles with the water, which stops the
Pip, I think you should stay out of the pool for a few days.
PIPPIN: Oh, do I have to?
LEGOLAS: That chlorine water will really sting that lip of yours, Pip.
PIPPIN (brightening):Could you teach me to play ping pong, Gorbag??
GORBAG: That could be arranged.
(That night, Pip puts his tooth under his pillow. Aragorn and Legolas
unfortunately double-book being the Tooth Fairy, and Pip gets ten dollars
the next morning for his tooth.)
All-right! (Runs to the breakfast table carrying his money.)
Aragorn, look how much money the tooth fairy left me!
looks askance at Legolas, who guiltily concentrates on making
smiley faces with eggs, bacon, tomato and English muffins.)
That's fantastic, Pip. What're you going to buy with it?
PIPPIN: Oh, I'm saving.
ARAGORN: Saving? For what?
PIPPIN: Well... it's Sam's birthday next Thursday. He thinks nobody but
Frodo knows, but me and Merry are going to surprise him with somet-
(Sam comes out of the shower, drying his hair)
PIPPIN: Er, yes, I totally agree with you, Aragorn!
BB: Attention housemates. It's Wednesday, and Challenge Day.
Brother has a special challenge now that there're no girls left in
the house. In half an hour, you will find in the diary room a quantity of
newspaper and plastic bags. Your challenge is to each design two outfits to
be displayed in a fashion parade for some special guests tonight.
ARAGORN: For heaven's sake, how many more characters are they going to flog?
will be awarded on artistic sensibility, flair, and craftmenship.
The fashion parade will be at 7:30 tonight.
going to look pretty bloody silly decked out in garbage bags and
GORBAG: Ah, it's nothing. No worse than I look on a Sunday morning after a
bad night out.
an hour they send Pippin in to get the newspapers and plastic bags.
Legolas and Frodo go straight to work.)
LEGOLAS: A turban.
Oh, come on, don't be so ethnocentric! Aragorn's over there making
ARAGORN: Tisn't! It's a Roman toga! Anyway, I'll look better than you!
LEGOLAS (laughing): All right, all right. What's that you're up to, Merry?
MERRY (hides his work): Erm, it's a secret!
and Frodo decide to join forces in their four pieces. They work
away from everyone else, and Legolas speaks quietly.)
Fro, are you really OK with being nominated? You look like you're
handling this well, but-
FRODO: Well, it's a bit of an insult to be nominated twice already. But...
I'm OK, I think. To tell you the truth I worry about what will happen to Sam
if I leave.
across at Sam, who is helping Gollum cut out shapes in his
Do my eyes decieveth me, or am I looking at Sam Gamgee helping out
FRODO: Oh, Sam would help out Saddam Hussein if I said he was a bit of all
PIPPIN: Aragorn! Gimli's stealing my idea! He's looking over my shoulder!
GIMLI (hotly): Am not!
ARAGORN: Gimli, come over here and help me see if this thing will actually
(Legolas moves on to Gorbag, working on his own.)
Hullo. What's this?
GORBAG: Oh, I done the cutouts of my own gear, it's a matter of getting it
all together. This is for Aloysius- Pip asked if I'd make him something.
MERRY: Aragorn, Pippin's jabbing me with the scissors!
ARAGORN: Pip, any more out of you and I'll take those scissors off you, OK?
(At 7:20 pm, the housemates are putting the final touches on their costumes
when there is a knock on the door.)
LEGOLAS: Our audience has arrived!
(He runs to open the door. There stands J-girl herself.)
LEGOLAS: Hey! It's the Big Brother chick!
up to greet her with hugs and hello's. Behind her enter the
twenty-five lovesick maidens of the harem, Voronwe, Rosie Gamgee of
Imladris, Imladris Gorbag and Lobelia, Maiden of Hobbits.)
J-GIRL: Here's your audience. Enjoy.
spot Frodo, sitting quietly on the lounge. Ali and Jaimea are
ALI: Frodo, Frodo! (Hugs him tight.) That's for when you were crying and-
(Jaimea jumps on him and half-smothers him)
JAIMEA: THAT'S for just being so darned cute!
he can react, Niphredil elbows her way through the crowds of
Frodo, do you like Shakespeare?
FRODO: Why, yes. I am rather partial to Richard III, though Hamlet continues
to be a special favourite.
(Niph swoons. Pearl steps over her recumbent body.)
Fro, are you gay?
Aragorn tries to help Frodo from nearly being smothered, but
he has Voronwe clinging to his feet, slavering 'Mmmm... Numenorean Sex
Essie and Patricia take Merry aside and mother the poor darling.
And hand out MORE money to Pip for his tooth. They try to smother Gollum,
too, however, he crawls underneath the couch in terror.)
Rosie G permanently attached to his side, making him rather
uncomfortable, but he blushes, pleased. Legolas' harem swamp him. They are
trying to cut his hair off for souveniers.)
(Neevy picks up Schn- I mean, Kaneda.)
NEEVY: Kaneda, you bad dog! You got Fro in a lot of trouble!
has disattached himself from Voronwe and Lobelia, he stands on
a chair and whistles for J-girl, who is hopeless at it.)
J-GIRL: OK, let's get some order here! Fashion parade is in five minutes!
settle in the living room. Cion and Essie do some serious
cheesecake-smooshing with Pearl and Niph, both of whom manage to recover in
time for the music to begin. Legolas, as compere, comes out holding a brush
for a microphone as 'Too Funky' by George Michael blares over the sound
Good evening ladies and gentleman, this evening you're going to see
some of the highest fashion labels in Big Brother. We'll start with this
great little number of the House of Elendil.
comes out of the bedroom wearing a newspaper toga, complete with
Roman wreath and sash- and not much else. He catwalks into the middle of the
horseshoe the Haremites have formed, turning a few times. Voronwe and
Lobelia squeal and leap up. Aragorn, forgetting to be dignified, breaks into
a sprint back to the room with his haremites in hot pursuit. )
J-GIRL: Would the Aragorn harem please sit down?
Gorby and Legolas grab Lobelia and Voronwe just as the door opens
and Merry steps out. He is wearing a pair of newspaper flares, plastic bag
jacket and belt, and plastic bag bandanna. Unlike Aragorn, he's wearing
ordinary clothes underneath. More squealing.)
This fantasic creation from Brandybuck Fashion House is sleek,
elegant and refined. It boasts a jacket of pure PVC plastic of the highest
quality, colour co-ordinated belt, and flares made of the funniest comics
I've ever read. Surely a must for the fashion-conscious hobbit.
and Goldenberry stand up and try to shove money in Merry's belt.
The belt falls off. Merry laughs hysterically and runs back to the room.)
is Sam, wearing a newspaper smoking jacket and trousers, plastic
bag tie, and plastic bag shoes.)
If you want to make an impression, this outfit by Samwise Gamgee
will have you noticed wherever you go. A simple outfit with a touch of
bohemian, this is for the man who wants to stand out.
ROSIE G (wolf whistles): That's my baby!
(Sam goes beet red and hastens back up the catwalk.)
is next. Howls of laughter. He wears a long, flowing newspaper
dress, with a newspaper flower tucked behind one ear and newspaper shawl.)
This... erm... this number, courtesy of Cirith Ungol Fashion House,
is a must for every cross-dressing Orc. Sleek and sophisticated, dressed up
with a funky flower this outfit is versatile and cheeky.
IMLADRIS GORBY: You rock, Gorbag!
(The harem give him a strange look. He shuts up.)
is Pippin, wearing newspaper pyjamas with plastic polka-dots glued
on. He holds Aloysius, who is wearing Gorbag's newspaper collar.)
In the region of nightwear, this number comes from the house of
Took. Cheeky and fun, these pyjamas are perfect for snuggling up in on a
cold night or lounging around in on a lazy Saturday.
cheer him loudly and he grins, dancing around for a bit and
finally being steered back in the direction of the bedroom by Legolas.)
PEARL: That's my little brother!
Gollum come out together. Gimli wears a newspaper trench-coat and
plastic bag hat, complete with newspaper axe. Gollum is in a plastic
loincloth and newspaper cloak.)
Here we have two groovy looks from new labels Moria Groove and
Precious. The first is a classy trench-coat look for cold winter days,
complete with stylish hat for the inner artist in you. The second is a
raunchy, racy number, designed to bring out your inner animal!
and Gimli have barely time to get back in the room before Frodo
comes out. He is decked out in a newspaper smoking jacket with plastic
cravat and vest, newspaper trousers and plastic beret.)
Ali, Jaimea, Niph, Pearl and Cion all swoon. The other
haremites try desperately to get them to regain consciousness. Frodo enters
the crowd to see what he can do to help. He peers at the unconscious
she going to be OK?
ESSIE: Honey, move out of the way. If she recovers, seeing you will put her
straight back into it!
back to change. So does Legolas. Frodo emerges in ordinary dress
just as the recumbent haremites are regaining consciousness. He takes the
brus- erm, microphone.)
FRODO: Our final item tonight is a special from Greenleaf.
emerges. He is wearing a turban with plastic pom poms stringing
from it, a rent newspaper wrap, newspaper scarf and plastic bangles up his
behooves a true fashion artist, Legolas has given us an
imaginative number which nobody can ever wear, but will look great on this
week's cover of TV Weekly.
(J-girl sways a little.)
That's enough, before I swoon too! Everyone out here so Big Brother
can announce prizes!
sit amongst the audiences and finally J-girl gets some
quiet. Loopy is sitting in Aragorn's lap, and Filian is plaiting Legolas'
hair. Niph and Pearl look faint again.)
OK, before you girls go it's time for some well-deserved awards for
housemates and harems. (Takes out scrolls.) OK. First one. The award for
Best Original Design goes to- Frodo Baggins.
Shurrup, will you! (Gives Frodo his award.) The Sexiest Knees award
goes to Aragorn Son of Arathorn- Loopy, get up and let Aragorn get his
LOOPY: No way!
(J-girl gives Aragorn his award.)
The award for greatest effort goes to Peregrin Took.
GIMLI: What about Legolas?
LEGOLAS: Oh, come on, do you know how long it took Pip to glue on all those
J-GIRL: Most Wearable Award is awarded to Sam Gamgee.
stands up to accept his award, his clothes rip. Could have had
something to do with the fact that Rosie G has her hands around his waist,
but in any case, everyone cracks up.)
The party-boy award goes to Meriadoc Brandybuck. The Mardi Gras
award goes to Legolas, the Sacrifice of Pride award goes to Gimli, and
Gollum gets the Tarzan Award.
Tarzan, what's Tarzan, hey precious?
SAM: Tar-zan. King of the Jungle. Married Jane. Wore a loincloth.
Sam, don't interrupt, I'm going to hand these awards out to the
Haremites so they can leave you in peace. They are:
QUESTION AWARD: Pearl.
THE EVEN BIGGER QUESTION AWARD: Niphredil.
THE SNUGGLE AWARD: Jaimea and Ali
THE 'POOR DARLING' AWARD: Essie, Cion, Patricia
THE ENTHUSIASM AWARD: Skye Gamgee
THE LOREAL AWARD: Filian Greenleaf
THE DIEHARD AWARD: Loopy.
bars for everyone I've missed! Eat up, girls, we're leaving in
is eaten. Frodo's feet are massaged by bickering Haremites.
Filian pashes Legolas because nobody else seems to mind. Niph gives Fro a
huge volume of Shakespeare so he can stop reading that dratted Dostoevsky.
Rosie gives Sam lots of huggles.)
All right, that's it, we're going!
J-GIRL: Nope, that's it. Say goodnight, girls. Nicely.
says goodbye nicely, except Lobelia who pinches Aragorn's butt,
just for fun.)
I saw that!
LOBELIA: Hey, he didn't mind, did you Aragorn?
ARAGORN: Not in particular.
finally herds the crowd out of the house. The housemates look around
at the cheesecake smooshed into the carpet, footscrub slopped on the coffee
table, pieces of Pip's scarf on the floor and little wet patches of drool on
My word, you'll have all the nooky you want once you're out of here,
night- most of the household discard their paper outfits but
Gorbag insists on sleeping in his. And sleep he does, though nobody else in
the leper room would even dream of it, except Sam, who could sleep through
an earthquake. Frodo has disappeared again.)
GIMLI: Oh, will you knock it off, Gorbag!
a shoe at Gorbag's head. It misses by a mile and hits the wall,
waking Legolas up.)
We're being attacked!
GIMLI: Yes. By rabid tennis shoes.
(Gorbag is dead asleep. Legolas gets out of bed and shakes him.)
LEGOLAS: Pssst! Gorby!
(No reply. A string of drool slides out of the corner of Gorbag's mouth.)
(Gorbag sits up with a start, almost head-butting Legolas.)
LEGOLAS: All right, it's past a joke. Those paper clothes have gotta go.
Every time you move you rustle and it's driving us crazy.
GORBAG: Listen, I made this dress, and I'm going to wear it until it FALLS
GIMLI (grabbing scissors): That can be arranged!
GORBAG: Don't like it, move out.
(Gimli grabs some things and heads toward the door wrapped in his quilt.)
GIMLI: See ya.
looks around, unsure of what to do now that things have come to a
head. Finally he heads out with Gimli whining 'hey, wait for me!' Gorbag
chortles to himself and goes back to sleep.)
get to the kitchen they come across Frodo sitting at the table,
playing chess with himself in his sleep. They march him back to bed without
waking anybody up and come back to the kitchen.)
know what I'm going to do?
LEGOLAS: I hope it's legal!
GIMLI: I'm going to make a sandwich that would rival anything Gorbag's ever
made. 'You hungry?
looks disgusted as Gimli produces olives, parmesan cheese, peanut
butter, champignons and lettuce.)
LEGOLAS: Uh, no, I'll survive.
they spread their things out on the floor and try to get some
shut-eye. But Legolas is restless. He tosses and turns, throwing his
blanket, and finally stands up.)
GIMLI: (sleepily): Where are you going?
LEGOLAS: I can't stand this. I need some company.
GIMLI: Thanks a lot.
LEGOLAS: No, really, pack instinct. I'm going into the hobbits room. Coming?
GIMLI: Do I still snore?
LEGOLAS: Does a bear-
GIMLI: All right, there's no need to get graphic. I think I'll stay out
here. We dwarves like our own company.
slinks into the room like only an Elf can and climbs into the bed
between Merry and Pippin.)
ARAGORN: What are you doing in here?
ARAGORN. Oh. Where's Gimli?
LEGOLAS: The living room. Snoring.
ARAGORN: Oh. G'night.
in the other bedroom Gorbag's cacophony has finally wakened Sam,
who sits up sleepily.)
are you still awake?
SAM: Ha ha. Listen, you're making a dreadful noise in that paper, and
anyways you'll rip it, rolling around bed all night in it like you are. Why
not take it off and save it?
(Gorbag gets up.)
GORBAG: Maybe a good idea.
housemates emerge to the living room they find the television once
again set up and couches organised around it.)
morning, housemates. This is Big Brother. Today there are a couple
of features. The first is called Bakshi. We're sure you'll like it. The
second is a selection of clips from the last few weeks which we think you'll
like even more.
Oh. My. Eru.
MERRY: Someone sounds like they've got a guilty conscience!
first film, Bakshi, will start in ten minutes. Attendance is
(Pippin and Gollum head for the bedroom.)
We're going to get changed, then. Aloysius simply HATES watching TV
in his jim-jams. What about Precious, Gollum?
GOLLUM: Precious doesn't wear jim-jams, no my love!
(Aragorn takes Legolas slightly aside.)
Is it my imagination, or do you think that Big Brother could
possibly have taken the batteries out of Precious? I haven't heard it
sqwaking since he got it back.
LEGOLAS: I think that's a safe assumption.
and Gollum come back and the housemates settle down to watch the
film. The lights go down. The red flames of the beginning light up the
(It is not very long before the housemates are outraged!)
The Last Alliance lost? What the hell is this, some kind of a joke?
LEGOLAS: Aragorn, screaming at the TV won't help.
ARAGORN: Oh, come on, seriously! Isildur was no hero! He was a thieving
(Sauron's shape appears on screen.)
horns. I keep expecting him to say 'Ni!'. Did he really look
LEGOLAS: Let's not go there, Merry.
FRODO: I have to say that the animation is really quite poor.
(Gollum sees himself as Smeagol in the ring story.)
No!! No precious, it wasn't like that, precious! We didn't drown it!
We didn't! And we didn't wear awful Bombadil boots neither!
FRODO: Old Bilbo looks like a dwarf.
GIMLI: Is there something wrong with that?
PIPPIN: Shh, will you, I'm watching the movie!
to the part of 'years passed in the Shire. With the changing
sequence, the hobbits and Legolas throw themselves on the floor.)
MERRY: Aaargggh! I could take neurological fits, you know!
meeting between Gandalf and Frodo. Frodo sits in his chair,
shaking his head at the TV and silently weeping.)
I... do I really look like that?
MERRY: My dear hobbit, no! Neither do you talk with a strange East London
PIPPIN: And I don't sound like a clown on helium!
SAM: Don't worry Mr. Frodo, it's only a fil- oh, dear Eru, don't tell me
barrier is breached. They cannot stress any more, so they laugh.
And laugh. In fact they miss all of Gandalf's ring speech and indeed
everything until Bree because they're laughing so hard. Then Aragorn sees
himself and flips.)
Hell-o! I'm the King of Gondor, I'm not some quasi-Roman pimp with
an ugly nose!
MERRY: At least you aren't overacting like me.
they get to Legolas intercepting the company. On seeing himself,
Guys, do I glow in the dark like that?
FRODO: Well, you are kind of bright. I mean, you wear light coloured clothes
and have blond hair. It's a change from the rest of us. But no, you don't
glow in the dark.
the film up to Helms Deep. The boys deeply agree that Eowyn is
as evil as she looks in that cartoon. And Celeborn is as much a git. Gimli
cries when he sees Galadriel, and her revealing Nenya provokes Aragorn into
spouting more Bakshi-is-a-moron angst. But the cake is taken when Gollum
appears on the screen.)
is he the only character that comes off well?
GORBAG: Don't you whine, Gimli, I'm not even in it!
ends and Aragorn is angry, Legolas confused, Frodo offended, Sam
traumatized, Merry disgusted, Gimli resentful and Gorbag grateful he wasn't
in it. Only Pip and Gollum think it was a good film.)
morning housemates. This is Big Brother. You have a ten minute
recess and then the second footage will be shown.
(Merry to Sam- 'This is going to get ugly!')
Footage number 1- Aragorn poisons Merry's coffee. Merry glares at him.
ARAGORN: Oh, come on, it was a joke!
number 2- A slow-motion zoom of the pool incident reveals that it
was Frodo's fault, and certainly not Gollum's, that Sam ended up in the
number 3- Legolas, Saruman and Aragorn carrying Gimli and his bed
Footage number 4- Gimli getting his revenge writing on everyone's faces.
MERRY: Wow, those cameras really do pick up a lot, even in the dark!
number 5- Gollum going around stealing people's things. Aragorn
turns around accusingly.)
ARAGORN: You little cockroach! It was you!
But he nearly
misses footage number 6. The bedroom, early one morning. Just
about everyone is asleep. Gollum, scissors in hand, destroys Merry's
Snugglebunny, rips holes in Aloysius, gives it to Schnoodle and raises the
FRODO: Oh my Eru.
(Nobody speaks for a few seconds. Then, abruptly, Merry leaps up.)
MERRY: You @!#^% #$@(!!
out at Gollum, who fights back, squealing and kicking and biting.
Pippin joins in and they pin Gollum to the floor.)
Gollum, how could you do that to me? I was your friend!
GOLLUM: Yesss, yesss, it was my friend, Precious! And we wanted hobbitsss to
be Smeagol's friend, not Aloysius' friend, or Snugglebunny's friend, or
(Merry starts shaking him.)
Boys, get off the wretched thing, will you?
MERRY: No way! I'm going to kill him!
LEGOLAS: Merry, NOW!
Legolas, Aragorn and Sam have to drag the three apart. Aragorn
sends Pippin to one bedroom, Merry to another and banishes Gollum outside
for the rest of the afternoon. As Aragorn comes back inside he gives Legolas
a weary look.)
ARAGORN: As for myself, I don't know what to say!
is a grim day for the housemates. Merry and Pippin are not
speaking to Gollum. Merry isn't speaking to Legolas for intervening. Aragorn
withdraws to himself. Gorbag is offended that anyone would nominate him
alongside Gollum. There are LOTS of trips to the diary room, some of which
are these extracts-
foiled again. I really did think Gollum had reformed this time,
but then I'm proving to be a bad judge of character on these things. Poor
Merry. He's furious and I don't blame him, and I don't think it was fair for
Legolas and Aragorn to play County Sherriff and blame everybody all together
as though they're naughty children. This is serious!
I'm also... I'm worried about nominations. Poor Sam! How could I leave Sam
behind? It's not fair to disqualify him by taking Rosie off him and now me.
Brother, I want to talk to a counsellor.
BB: I think that's a wise idea.
MERRY: I don't want to bail out. Actually I want to get through more than
ever now, to pay back Gollum some of what he's given me. Grrr!
Big Brother, you're looking at the Big Bad Wolf Bastard of Big
Brother. I guess I'm learning you can't please everyone all of the time. But
I do pity Gollum. I honestly think he really just did it for attention and
out of jealousy. It doesn't make it right, but when I saw two of those bully
hobbits pinning that wretched little thing to the ground, what could I do? I
think Merry will forgive me in time. I don't think what Aragorn did- sending
them all to their rooms, I mean- was very fair, though.
I don't think sending them to their rooms was fair of me, but I was
desperate for a bit of piece and quiet and it seemed to me the quickest and
easiest way. I hope Gollum goes tomorrow, and we can get back to some sanity
Smeagol doesn't like the nasssty hobbits! Poor Smeagol! Put in a
house full of meanies and then robbed and kicked. It's not fair, no
BIG BROTHER- SIXTH EVICTION.
atmosphere is the grimmest, tensest one to date. The hobbits
are again squished onto the one lounge, Frodo in the middle, talking
my time today. I know it is.
MERRY: Frodo, I wouldn't worry too much. You're not the most intuitive chap
I've ever come across. You're just nervous.
is lying stretched out on the other lounge, and Aragorn paces
restlessly from kitchen to living room. Gimli sits on the floor in front of
Legolas, Gorbag is again thwacking his stress out on the ping pong ball.
Away to the side, Gollum sits on the floor, nearly naked again, chewing
something that smells suspiciously like fish.)
Can I just say something?
FRODO: Go ahead.
LEGOLAS: Before someone gets evicted, I want us to iron out our problems and
end on a good note.
MERRY: We're not all being flippin' evicted!
LEGOLAS: No, but-
evening housemates. This is Big Brother, and it's time for this
week's eviction. It's time to leave the house, Smeagol.
of delight from the hobbits, and Frodo is nearly buried under a
group hug. Legolas goes to Gorbag and they link hands and jump up and down
in delight, giggling in a ridiculous manner. Gimli comes over and they group
(Gollum at first looks confused. Then he realises and lets out a shriek.)
GOLLUM: No precious! No! We doesn't want to be kicked out!
(The counter starts. Aragorn takes his bags, but Gollum snatches at them.)
No. We aren't going!
ARAGORN: Yes you are.
Gimli and Aragorn drag Gollum out forcibly, and Merry comes
behind, carrying his luggage and crying tears of gratitude for Imladris
ARAGORN: Fare thee well, Smeagol. Go and do not decieve any more.
guards drag Gollum away, him screaming 'Big Brother, we hates
it! We hates it forever...')
(Legolas and Gorbag stop bouncing up and down and straighten themselves out
with serious faces. Frodo finally manages to shake off the group hugs, his
hair ruffled. As Aragorn, Gimli and Merry come back in, a hush falls on the
MERRY: Why do I feel lousy all of a sudden?
(Merry sits down forlornly, all his excitement deflated.)
So do I. I mean, I didn't want you to go, Frodo, nor Gorbag. But I
feel like such a meanie!
FRODO: The poor, spiteful little creature. I hate to say it, but I'm almost
sorry to see him go.
ARAGORN: Me too. And I do wish there was a way to see him off that wasn't so
SAM: Well, I don't know why, but something tells me we haven't seen the last
of Gollum, and that's a fact!
LEGOLAS: I know this hasn't been the best eviction to date. I feel awful
about the whole thing. But look. That's the way the game is played. We're
all going to get evicted one by one, and the last to leave will see everyone
go ahead of them. It's depressing, but true.
(A ponderous silence.)
FRODO: Can... can me and Sam and Gorbag and Gimli sleep in your room? I
don't mind the floor. It's fearfully bare in the other room!
ARAGORN: Fro, I don't own the bedroom! You can sleep wherever your heart
desires! Only if Gimli snores, I'll have to beat him over the head with a
heavy blunt object.
ARAGORN: That was a joke!
Sam and Gimli get their things and shift bedrooms. But the
evening is chilly and soon they are paired up again with Merry and Pippin.
Almost as soon as they are settled down Sam, sharing with Pippin, hears him
PIPPIN: Poor Gollum!
SAM: Poor Gollum indeed. You never cried when Rosie left.
ARAGORN (sleepily and unexpectedly): Nor Faramir. Nor Eowyn. Nor Saruman.
PIPPIN: Well, I cried when Gandalf left!
MERRY: You voted him off, you silly bugger, you told me so.
PIPPIN: But I didn't mean to!
MERRY: Oh, you're hopeless. Have you got a clean hanky?
MERRY: Well use it and stop snuffling all over Sam's pillow. That's grotty.
gets out of bed and blows his nose. This time Gorbag and Gimli
awaken with a groan.)
Oh, Pip, do you realise how DISGUSTING that is?
ARAGORN: Ah, leave the poor hobbit alone, there's no such thing as a dainty
way to blow your nose. Pip, just get it over and done with and go back to
bed before you freeze. And don't wake Frodo, will you?
as he's told. As he's about to fall off to sleep, Gimli mutters
'somebody get me out of here'...)
(The next day is the first day in the house that it is raining. Hard. In
fact it pours down so hard that Schnoodle is allowed inside, and the hobbits
aren't allowed outside. Pip is distressed.)
I wanted to play on the swing!
MERRY: Maybe you could make a swing in the living room.
LEGOLAS: Oh, don't go giving him any ideas, will you!
MERRY: Does anyone else have a better suggestion?
(They look around them blankly.)
Twister? Erm... clothed twister? (Picks up the box appealingly)
MERRY and PIPPIN: Yeah!
FRODO: Well, you can count me out!
SAM: And me!
ARAGORN: It won't work, Legsie.
LEGOLAS: Why not?
ARAGORN: Because the hobbits are half our height. It puts them at a
disadvantage. Let's play trivial pursuit instead?
LEGOLAS: Won't work, Arrers.
ARAGORN: I hate to ask why not.
LEGOLAS (Grins cheekily): Because Gorbag has the intelligence of a cold
rock, and it puts him at a disadvantage.
chases Legolas through the living room. Legolas is way too fast for
him, but he trips on the lounge and ends up on the floor with Gorbag's boot
stuck under his chin.)
LEGOLAS: Get off me, you great oaf!
GORBAG: Not until you wave the white flag, Elfie boy.
LEGOLAS: Oh, all right, if I surrender will you get your muddy boot off my
shirt? This thing has to be dry cleaned you know!
LEGOLAS: I surrender!
sets him free and he stands up, shaking himself. Aragorn stands
impatiently with the board game.)
OK, I vote we play this thing in pairs. Let's get organized-
SAM, MERRY and PIPPIN: I wanna play with you, Frodo!
SAM: I called first!
MERRY: Did not!
FRODO: All right, all right, Sam can play with me. Merry, you and I would be
a tour de force all right, but that'd hardly be fair!
LEGOLAS: No, we've got to do this properly. I'll go with Gorbag.
ARAGORN: Pip, you can be on my team, OK?
PIPPIN: Oh, wow! Sucked in, Merry, I got to be with someone smart!
MERRY: Who cares? I am someone smart! Gimli, I guess that leaves you and me!
GIMLI: Alright. Let's start!
their own brand of Trivial Pursuit, whereby the first team to
move is determined not on the roll of the dice, but by a general question.
Legolas, careful to not look at the answer, reads the question.)
O-K. Who was the most beautiful woman in Middle Earth?
ARAGORN: What sort of a subjective question was that?
LEGOLAS: Dunno. Just answer it.
(The teams confer.)
LEGOLAS: No idea. I'm guessing on this one... Arwen?
ARAGORN: You can't have the same answer as us!
LEGOLAS: Yes I can. If we're both right we play off another question. What
say you, Frodo? Sam?
SAM: You're both wrong, and Aragorn, you're forgetting a certain night under
a certain mountain. The answer is Luthien.
(Legolas checks the back of the card.)
GORBAG: Jeepers, Legsie, that was disgraceful, you being an elf and all!
(Frodo and Sam go first, and hit upon an Art and Literature question.)
OK, provide the next line of this poem. 'That's what Bilbo Baggins
FRODO: Erm... 'So carefully, carefully with the plates?'
MERRY: That's not fair!
Merry and Gimli sneak up behind Frodo and Sam, since they have a
straight run of right answers all the way through. Legolas and Gorbag are
also strong, as Gorbag is a wealth of knowledge in the Dark Lord. Aragorn
tries, but Pip keeps yelling out the wrong answers.)
This is getting boring!
ARAGORN: I'm starting to agree!
FRODO: Well, we do seem to be fighting more than playing. Let's have a
'Sudden Death' question, Legolas, and whoever wins that wins the game.
LEGOLAS: OK. (Turns card over.) Do Balrogs have wings?
LEGOLAS: No, they only looked like wings!
MERRY: Yes, well, it does say they were wings and they looked pretty wingy
GORBAG: All right. I never seen this thing, but I ask you- it fell into a
chasm. If it had wings, couldn't it fly out?
FRODO: Oh, ever heard of an Ostrich?
LEGOLAS: Oh, never mind! Let's play something else!
FRODO: This week I'm nominating Gimli for 2 points. He's not enjoying Big
Brother and he's not like the rest of us. For 1 point I'm nominating Merry.
Poor Merry needs a week staying with the Maggots or something before he goes
nominating Aragorn for 2 points. As we slowly get smaller, there's
no call for anyone to be the 'big boss.' Aragorn and I never got along
really, and that's a fact. For 1 point I'm nominating Gimli because I don't
want to nominate anyone else.
nominating Legolas for 2 points. He's too much of a crowd
pleaser, I think he's a fake. I'm nominating Aragorn for 1 point because I'm
fighting with him.
I'm nominating Gimli for 2 points because he's ever so grumpy. I'm
nominating... um... Sam? For 1 point. So he can go see Rosie.
I'm nominating Merry for 2 points. He's handling this worse than
Frodo, and he really misses the Shire, I know. For 1 point I'm nominating...
Pip. I don't want to, but I think Pip will be the least devastated if he
nominating Merry for 2 points. If I have to hear about the whole
bunny issue for another minute I'll scream! I'm nominating Frodo for 1
point. He's settled down, but I still reckon he's up for cabin fever in a
week or two.
I'm nominating Gimli for 2 points. He wants to go home so I'm not
offending anybody. I'm nominating Pip for 1 point, he needs his family, I
I'm voting Arrers for 2 points. He has to go so I can stretch out.
And that annoying twerp Merry can get a point too.
BB: Good Evening, housemates. It's time for this week's nominations. This
week there are three: Aragorn, Merry and Gimli. Thankyou.
the housemates are barely out of bed before BB informs them of
their weekly challenge.)
morning housemates. It's Wednesday and time for this week's
challenge. Please everyone step outside immediately.
(Everyone files out the door.)
week's challenge is this. You are not permitted to re-enter the
house for 24 hours. Behind you on the lawn you will find 2 2-person tents,
camping food and sleeping bags. Have fun, housemates!
quivering): Aragorn, does this mean we're not allowed in at all?
Not even to go to the bathroom?
ARAGORN: Afraid so, Pip.
PIPPIN: Oh, but I really have to go NOW!
FRODO: You'll have to go somewhere in the yard, Pip. Don't worry. It's just
PIPPIN: I simply despise camping! (Heads off.)
SAM: And you keep well away from the garden, Peregrin Took!
Gimli and Gorbag are inspecting their surroundings and
it my imagination or did Big Brother say there were 2 two-man
tents? There's eight of us!
it is all too true. The tents are VERY small, even for 2 man
I'll solve this problem, so help me. Hobbits, you take one tent.
You'll fit all right. I'm sleeping without a tent.
LEGOLAS: Me too. Elves don't need shelter.
FRODO: Legsie, is that why Rivendell doesn't have a roof?
LEGOLAS: Precisely. Now let's get these tents up!
much harder than it looks, owing to the hobbits' tent really being
to hard to manage when you're not quite four feet high. Eventually Gimli and
Gorbag go over to help them, and Aragorn and Legolas erect the other tent,
which ironically they don't even plan to sleep in. Legolas takes the
opportunity for another D&M.)
Are you OK?
ARAGORN: Not happy about being evicted next Sunday.
LEGOLAS: Oh, pigswhistle, you're not going anywhere.
ARAGORN: I don't think you've noticed Gimli's staying power, Legsie. He's
already survived 2 nominations and-
LEGOLAS: I'm not talking about Gimli. I'm talking about Merrylad. I think he
may just get the sympathy vote.
ARAGORN: You think so?
LEGOLAS (louder): Listen, Arrers, if you're still here Sunday night I'll...
I'll kiss you on national TV!
on the other tent comes to a screeching halt. Everyone stops and
stares. Gimli's bottom lip quivers slightly. Frodo and Sam look across at
one another and smirk.)
You know, I'm so certain I'm a gonner, if I'm still here on Sunday
night I'll LET you!
GIMLI: Oh, will you now!
LEGOLAS: Oh, Gimsie, I'll kiss you too if you want me to!
GIMLI (miffed): No, thanks!
LEGOLAS: Oh, OK, but it's your loss!
tent is up first. Pippin, who has spent most of the time
inside the tent 'supervising' looks up in delight.)
Very grand! Wait till Aloysius sees this... Aloysius... (looking
suddenly espies Aloysius lying on the lounge- inside. He looks at
Aragorn in horror. Pip realises.)
Aloysius! I left him inside! I have to go get him!
SAM: Pip, we'll fail the challenge.
PIPPIN: Oh, but he'll STARVE to death!
(Starts running but Gorbag grabs him around the waist.)
Listen, Pip, Aloysius will be OK. Let's do something else, OK?
PIPPIN: He'll starve!
GORBAG: He won't starve. Honestly.
PIPPIN: Oh, I hate this game!
GORBAG: Uh, Pip, do you know Karate?
PIPPIN (Sniffle): No.
GORBAG: Wanna learn? I can show you how to kill an Orc with the Touch of
PIPPIN: Oh, cool!
(To be continued...)
(Gorbag and Pippin spend the rest of the afternoon playing a violent game on
the grass. Legolas, Frodo and Sam make daisy chains and chew grass. Gimli,
miffed, goes 'to bed' and stays there. Aragorn and Merry practice their
you can't do sit ups that way, you'll hurt your back.
ARAGORN: Well, excuse me, I think I've had quite enough instructions from a
bunch of halflings, ta anyway.
LEGOLAS: Aragorn, he's right. (Running on unconcernedly) Fro, can you thread
this daisy through? I can hardly see the gap.
(Pippin comes barreling up, beaming.)
Gorbag showed me the touch of death! I can kill an Orc without
leaving a mark! Look, Merry!
Aragorn, make him stop!
ARAGORN: Pip, don't use the Touch of Death on your cousin. (Aside, to
Gorbag) The Touch of Death?
GORBAG: Oh, relax, there's no such thing as the touch of death. As long as
he thinks there is he's happy.
and the housemates build a fire and inspect the camp food. They
cook hot dogs for dinner.)
Hot dogs? Do you have any idea what's IN those things?
MERRY: Not meat, so don't worry.
LEGOLAS: Didn't Big Brother give us ANY nice food?
GORBAG: What's wrong with hot dogs? You-
SAM: I think we should have a song!
FRODO: A great idea! Let's sing-
LEGOLAS: Let's sing '2000 bottles of Miruvor on the wall.'
GIMLI (from inside the tent): Can we have 2000 bottles of Miruvor on the
to sing but only get up to 1,547 bottles of Miruvor when the Big
Folk notice that Frodo has fallen asleep in Sam's lap, and Pip is slapping
himself trying to keep awake. Aragorn turns to Gorbag and Legolas.)
GORBAG: Not me.
LEGOLAS: Stupid question.
ARAGORN: I know some people want to go to bed.(Picks up Pippin and takes him
to the tent. Sam stirs himself and gets up, pulling Frodo to his feet and
steering him towards the tent.)
LEGOLAS: You're not tired, Merry?
MERRY: Nope. All that talk of Miruvor has got me really pumped!
LEGOLAS: We're all going to sit out here under the stars and tell stories.
You're welcome to join us.
(They put some wood on the fire and spread out. )
Here is the tragic tale of Elijah Underhill, the hobbit.
MERRY: A tragic tale about a hobbit? Named Elijah?
LEGOLAS: Shhh! Listen. Mr. Underhill lived in a small Hobbit village. He was
a young rascal, fair to look upon, and his voice was as melodious as the
harp. But alas! He had no fair maiden to appreciate his beauty because he
was hidden from the world, with only a manservant for company.
But one day he ventured to Fair Imladris, and woe befell him there. For he
met a maiden named Niphredil, and she fell in love with him, and he with
her. But she would not have his beauty for herself, and soon other maidens
of her acquaintance began to besiege his heart.
MERRY: Lucky him!
LEGOLAS: The maidens eventually numbered 28, and Mr. Underhill was at his
wit's end. He agreed to go on a challenge of sorts, an Odyssey, and he left
his fair harem. He sought to win gold and respect, and with that return to
his homeland and pick a maiden of his own folk.
But alas! The noble Pearl of his own harem discovered the trick, and pursued
him on the challenge, and he failed. And now he ever lies, prisoner of the
Harem of Imladris, while in his homeland some unfortunate hobbit-lass grows
older, as the year grows older, as her womb grows colder, and her rightful
husband lies a prisoner of these evil she-vamps.
is that true?
LEGOLAS: Yes, upon my life.
MERRY: I don't believe it. Whoever heard of a hobbit named Elijah Underhill?
to find the whole 'camp' fast asleep. Which is fair enough
because it isn't quite dawn yet. Shivering, he gets up, get dressed,
clambers over three sleeping hobbits and goes out to see about 'a bit of
breakfast.' It is poor fare. Gorbag has been into the supplies again and the
only thing eatable is four packets of marshmallows.)
SAM: I suppose
they'll have to do. I don't know what Aragorn will say when
he sees these, though. If I were him I shouldn't want to see another
marshmallow as long as I... Mr. Frodo, what are you doing up? It's not dawn!
from the tent, still wrapped in his brown velvet coat. He
know. But I woke up and when I do that I usually stay up- oh, Sam,
not marshmallows. You know what Aragorn's going to say!
SAM: Maybe I can burn 'em, Mr. Frodo, and pretend it's burned something else
FRODO: That might work, anything burned tastes the same- I was kidding, Sam,
let's just do this properly. Come on, I'll help you with the fire.
the fire and goes over to awaken Aragorn. He nudges him
gently, but Aragorn comes out of sleep with a start and panics, grabbing
Frodo and dragging him off his feet. Startled, Frodo keeps his composure.)
Arrers, are you OK?
ARAGORN: I'm- I'm fine. Just a nightmare... what is that I can smell
FRODO: Sam's making breakfast. Be gentle, he's doing the best he can.
ARAGORN: Marshmallows, right?
FRODO: 'Fraid so.
ARAGORN: So long as that bloody Elf doesn't make any smarmy 'Chubby bunnies'
remarks I'll be fine.
has been lying on his back, eyes open and hands folded, in that
creepy way Elves have.)
LEGOLAS: Oh, Aragorn, I have TOTALLY grown out of that.
(Gimli and Gorbag emerge from the tent grumpily.)
all the bloody noise? Jeez, it's dark out here!
LEGOLAS: It tends to be at five in the morning.
GORBAG: Sam, do you always make breakfast at 5 am?
SAM: I do when I'm surrounded by grumpy afternoon-people. Anyone who wants
coffee come this-a-way.
word 'coffee' the other hobbits come running. Sam serves up
breakfast and they form a circle on the dewy grass to eat it.)
How did you sleep, Gimli?
GIMLI: Like a log once I dropped off. 'Cept when it rained and the tent
ARAGORN: It didn't rain last night.
GIMLI (puzzled): Yes, it did.
LEGOLAS: I didn't notice it. I don't think it did, Gimsie.
(Dead silence. Merry starts laughing hysterically.)
MERRY: Fro wasn't sleepwalking, was he?
(Everyone else laughs, but Sam jumps up in a fury.)
Meriadoc, if you're insinuating-
ARAGORN: Can you really do a thing like that in your sleep?
laughing in spite of himself, puts his head in his hand.)
SAM: Well, I don't care. Nobody saw him do it. I don't believe it.
MERRY: I guess we'll all find out when we get out of here and see the
PIPPIN: I don't get it. What did Frodo do?
(The housemates are allowed inside at 9:15 sharp. Pippin runs to Aloysius.
Gorbag, Gimli, Aragorn and Merry fight over the shower. Sam sets about
making another breakfast. He is very quiet. Frodo goes to help him.)
FRODO (quietly): OK, Sam?
(Legolas, who has been dismantling the tents, walks in the door.)
LEGOLAS: Happy Birthday, halfling. What is it, thirty nine this year?
(Frodo gives Legolas a filthy look.)
Oh, come on, Fro, look at the poor hobbit! I couldn't let him think
we'd forgotten it-
loud bang. Balloons and streamers fall from the rafters. In the
hall, Gimli has won the shower race and Aragorn, Gorbag and Merry come
running. Frodo and Legolas lead them in singing 'Happy Birthday.' Sam bursts
SAM: I thought you all forgot!
(Pippin comes barreling in from the bedroom and nearly crash-tackles Sam.)
PIPPIN: I didn't! I was the one who remembered, Sam!
(Frodo rolls his eyes.)
PIPPIN: Well, OK, the party was Frodo's idea but the balloons were my idea!
hugs Pippin and Frodo so hard the three of them nearly fall
Sam, we're afraid none of us could buy you presents, being stuck in
here, but we did get Big Brother to provide catering for a huge hobbit
SAM: This is just too much!
MERRY: Is something burning?
his excitement, has let a pan of bacon burn to a crisp and catch on
fire. Aragorn grabs it and dumps it into the sink of unwashed dishes and
I'm so sorry-
GORBAG: I told you there are benefits in never doing the dishes!
treated to a slap-up lunch, which even Gorbag can't demolish.
Around the table someone asks for a story.)
tell the one about Elijah Underhill. Fro, you'd like this
story. It's ever so pathetic and mean-spirited. It's about this guy who-
FRODO: No, let's hear something light. Legsie?
LEGOLAS: All right. I will tell you the story of Enthusias, the Elf of
Enthusias was an Elven Prince of the land of Mirkwood. He was fair and wise,
with a beautiful melodious voice and great fashion sense. Enthusias' father
thought he had not seen enough of the world, and so he sent him to the land
of Jussac, where he would undergo many trials. While he was in there,
maidens and warriors alike began to envy his beauty and put slander upon his
Man-Elf prowess, so to speak. He made a friend on his journey, named
Rickymartin, who was kingly like himself though mortal. Then Rickymartin was
placed in danger, and Enthusias gave him the kiss of life. Of course, this
meant that everyone slandered him all the more. But his wise friend Gloinson
was not envious and not proud. He knew Enthusias was pure of heart and he
loved him in a strictly masculine way, of course. So Rickymartin was saved
and the three friends walked together for an age or so on the quest.
(Dead silence. Aragorn and Sam are weeping.)
Oh, that's so unfair! They never understood him!
MERRY: Legolas, is that story true?
LEGOLAS: No, Merrylad, I just made it up.
(As on Tuesday, it rains all day. Pippin nearly goes crazy with boredom.
However, Big Brother have allowed the hot water to be kept on all day, so
the housemates have the benefit of hot showers that are more than five
minutes long. Sam arrives from his fifth shower to find Gorbag and Gimli
pasting letters to the coffee table.)
GIMLI: We're having a seance. Wanna join in?
SAM (shivering.): Er... no. My Dad would take on so if he saw me taking part
in a seance. He was in one himself, years ago, with Mr. Bilbo and Sandyman
and suchlike. They do say they were trying to contact Drogo and Prim-
begging your pardon- (he lowers his voice) Frodo's parents, after they were
GORBAG: Did it work?
SAM: Not really. Bilbo started talking in tongues, and then someone realised
he was gabbling dwarfish what he'd learned on his journey, and that was the
end of it. Who're you trying to contact?
GORBAG: Beren. Or Sauron. Haven't really decided yet.
GIMLI: I thought Deagol would be a bit of a laugh, actually.
GORBAG: Oh, we'll give 'em all a buzz. Who else is joining in?
by the idea of contacting Elves, gives in, and Frodo warily
agrees. Aragorn is enthusiastic. So is Pip, who after much debate is allowed
to play only if he keeps his mouth shut. Legolas opts out.)
Sorry. Sounds interesting but it's not in my belief system.
GIMLI: Ah, you're just scared!
LEGOLAS: Scared? You know not what fear is until you've seen Gorbag naked,
Gimli. Nope, not scared, just don't believe in it. Call me if you contact
a magazine and goes into the bedroom, whistling 'Don't Fear the
know, maybe Legsie's right. Maybe this is all terribly wicked and
we'll all burn in the void for this.
GIMLI: Oh, come on, don't be a wimp. Right, we put the glass here and each
put two fingers on it- just resting- Pip, don't snatch! Right. Now who will
GIMLI: Right. Now everyone concentrate on the thought of Beren.
closes their eyes and there is heavy breathing and silence for
nearly a minute. Then in a spooky voice Gimli begins.)
GIMLI: Are you there, Beren? Make contact with us.
(Dead silence. No movement from the glass.)
GIMLI: Beren, the living herald you. Awake!
(More silence. Legolas stomps in from the bedroom and grabs the glass.)
LEGOLAS: Oh, Gimli, you're hopeless. Don't you know anything?
(Raises the glass and says boredly 'Ala silva una omientiel, Beren.')
LEGOLAS: There. Beren is in the house. Have fun.
(Retreats, but only to the sofa. The hobbits all look scared.)
GIMLI: Are you there, Beren?
(The letters move. 'Yes, you dimwit.')
LEGOLAS: Well, I already said so, didn't I?
GIMLI: Beren, we... we bring you peace. We want to know what the afterlife
(The glass moves again. 'Boring. Roast dwarves all day.')
GIMLI: I don't like you, Beren.
('So what? I'm dead.')
right, Merry. You can quit sliding the glass around now.
MERRY: I'm not! I swear!
just as frightened as anyone else. Frodo is so pale the others
suspect he's going to faint.)
GIMLI: OK, Beren, do you have a message for anyone else besides me?
('The ringbearer. Great hair. We await you here on the other side.')
(Frodo slides over into a half-faint. Sam is near hysterical.)
Beren, or whoever the heck you are, you leave Frodo alone or
('Or you'll what?')
SAM: Or I'll excorcise you!
(The glass is silent.)
on, Beren, do you have anything serious to say? Who's going to
win Big Brother?
I know? Go pester a Vala, I can't see into the future, I'm only
tell you the truth, Beren, I think you're a real pain in the ass!
Whatever did Luthien see in you?
('At least I don't boink mortal Rohan women.')
ARAGORN: Oh, be fair. That whole situation was awfully complicated.
GIMLI: Beren, you're a real @!#$!
the glass shudders and smashes into a million pieces. Pip
shrieks and covers his face. Legolas cleans up some of the glass, putting a
supportive hand on Pip's shoulder.)
See, I told you you wouldn't like it. All because he's dead doesn't
mean he's interesting or polite.
(At 3 am
the next morning, Aragorn awakes to find Frodo sitting bolt upright
in his bed.)
Fro, what are you doing?
FRODO: Can't sleep... the dead elves are going to get me...
ARAGORN: Oh, Frodo, don't worry about that.
FRODO: Were you moving that glass?
ARAGORN: No, but all because Beren said-
(Merry sits up sleepily.)
seance was a fake, Frodo. I was moving the glass to wind up
(Aragorn gives him a strange, confused look.)
MERRY: I didn't mean to frighten you, it was Gimli I was winding up. I'm
FRODO: Eru, Merry, are you trying to kill me? I never heard of anything so
MERRY: I said I was sorry!
ARAGORN: Frodo, go to sleep. See? There are no dead elves.
down and covers his face with the blanket. Merry gets up to go
to the bathroom and as he walks past Aragorn's bed Aragorn stops him.)
You weren't moving the glass, were you.
MERRY: Of course not!
Gorby, if you're going to chuck that ball at the wall, could you
pick a different beat? You're driving me crazy.
(Gorby pitches the ball at the wall faster and harder.)
I have the strange feeling I've forgotten to pack something or do
LEGOLAS: I hope you've brushed your teeth.
ARAGORN: You're not really going to kiss me, are you?
LEGOLAS: Yes, I am. Like you've never been kissed before.
MERRY: Well, Legsie, I hope you don't mean that literally. Talking to
Arrers, apparently there's only ONE way he's never been kissed before, and
shrieks from Frodo and Sam, and Sam claps his hand over Merry's
not in front of Pip!
MERRY: Oops. Sorry.
LEGOLAS: Obviously you people didn't listen too hard to the story of
Enthusias and Rickymartin-
evening housemates. It's Sunday night, and time for eviction.
It's time to say goodbye to- Gimli, Gloin's Son.
a little relieved, Gimli stands up. Legolas throws his arms around
him and kisses his cheek. Even Gorbag shakes his hand courteously, and leads
the procession across the yard.)
don't want to go!
ARAGORN: It won't be long now, Gimli, we'll all see you soon.
They hand Gimli his bags and see him out the door, waving and
Oh, that's so sad! Legolas, whatever are you going to do?
LEGOLAS: I'll miss him, Pip, that's for sure. But he'll still be my friend
when I get out of the house. And he'll be happier out in the real world. He
was unhappy in here. Poor Gimli! I wonder if he's cursing us right now?
to the living room and sit down, except Legolas who walks over
OK, Dunedain, pucker up.
ARAGORN: I can't believe I'm agreeing to this.
sits in his lap, throws his arms around his neck and kisses him
passionately and deeply. Aragorn, trying not to laugh, responds. The hobbits
count down the tongue-locking for ten seconds, and finally Legolas breaks
away and stands up. Gorbag and the hobbits are in hysterics. Aragorn wipes
That was an experience!
LEGOLAS: I can't believe I kissed a mortal! Aragorn, I take that back about
the stubbly look. Your face is entirely too scratchy for my liking!
(Very early, Legolas awakens to find Aragorn sitting at the end of his bed.)
What's the matter?
ARAGORN: Can we talk?
LEGOLAS: All right.
ARAGORN (fidgeting): No, I mean... somewhere private.
LEGOLAS: All right. Just let me get some clothes on.
fumbles for some clothes and gets dressed while Aragorn waits for
him in the doorway impatiently. They walk outside to the pre-dawn garden.)
What's on your mind?
ARAGORN: It's about- about last night.
LEGOLAS: I figured as much.
ARAGORN: I... I'm awfully confused. I was engaged to a female elf. Then I
lusted after a mortal woman. And now... I'm...
LEGOLAS: Attracted to me.
ARAGORN: Oh, what am I going to do!
LEGOLAS: You silly man, you're going to do nothing. So you bat for both
teams. You're not the first person in Middle Earth to do that, so don't
worry. I've dabbled. So has Sam Gamgee. And since it takes one to know one,
I might as well tell you that I think Merry's got some interesting secrets
up his sleeve.
ARAGORN: Are you... I mean, won't you...?
LEGOLAS: No. Sorry, old chap, but it wouldn't be fair on any of us. Believe
me, we won't make for a great relationship. I'll always be your friend, but
I'm actually on a female streak at the moment.
shriek from inside. Legolas and Aragorn run to see what has
happened. Frodo is standing at the bathroom mirror which has 'We await you,
Frodo' written over it three times in red lipstick.)
going to die! Somebody save me!
LEGOLAS: That was rather tasteless, Beren!
ARAGORN: Beren? I thought we got rid of Beren!
LEGOLAS: As I remember, he broke the glass, so he's probably still wafting
hysterical, latches onto Aragorn's feet. Merry and Sam help him up
and take him out. Legolas calls after them.)
Fro, Beren's just winding you up is all. If he can't see into the
future he's got a snowball's chance of killing you from beyond the grave.
(The hobbits leave, but Gorbag stays.)
So what was you two doing in the garden, huh?
LEGOLAS (rolling his eyes): All right, we confess. We were making wild,
LEGOLAS: Oh, you're hopeless. Bugger off back to bed, will you?
the day, Legolas discovers the long-lost hackysack behind the
sofa, and suggests a game. Even Frodo joins in.)
Gorbag, it's a hackysack, not a missile!
GORBAG: Ah, can't you play like a man?
LEGOLAS: Well, considering I'm an Elf, that could be difficult!
GORBAG: Why not ask your little boyfriend, then?
MERRY: Gorbag, I saw you kissing that watermelon!
(The game stops short. Gorby looks ashamed.)
Kissing a what?
MERRY: A watermelon. Out in the kitchen last night.
PIPPIN: Eew, yuck, I was going to eat that watermelon!
GORBAG: What were you doing there, Merry, anyway?
MERRY: Well, I had to escape all the passionate goings-on in the bedroom-
ah, come on, Gorbag, play nice. We're all nice to you.
FRODO: Obviously Gorbag wishes we'd be even nicer!
GORBAG: This game isn't fun anymore! Let's play something else! Maybe you
courting couples would prefer Twister?
FRODO: I'm nominating Merry for 2 points. Not personal, I just think Merry's
ready to wind up his Big Brother sojourn. I'm giving Sam 1 point because I
can never forget about Rosie and how anxious Sam must be to get out in the
real world with her.
I hate to say it... I'm nominating Frodo for 2 points. I don't
believe in spooks, but some funny things have been happening lately, and if
there's anything in it I want poor Mr. Frodo as far away as possible. I'm
nominating Merry for 1 point. I don't think he's at all happy in the house.
nominating Frodo for 2 points- his swooning and weeping stuff is
really unnerving me. I'm nominating Aragorn for 1 point... I can stand a bit
of funniness in Legolas but if Aragorn's going to go bonkers I'd sooner not
have him around.
I'm nominating Frodo for 2 points before the spooks get him! I'm
nominating Sam for 1 point because Sam's never been nominated before, I want
him to know how it feels!
I'm nominating Merry for 2 points. It really is time for Merry to
take his leave. And I'm nominating Sam, because he hasn't been nominated
I'm nominating Frodo for 2 points, the poor scared hobbit. And I'm
nominating Gorbag for 1 point before he gets the chance to start feeling
I'm nominating Frodo for 2 points, the big wimp! And I'm nominating
Sam for 1 point because he's almost as bad!
evening. The nominations for this week are: Frodo, Merry and Sam.
WEDNESDAY, CHALLENGE DAY.
(Early in the morning, Pip wakes up and stumbles in for a shower, not even
bothering to turn the glaring bathroom light on. Sound of running water.
Please, for God's sake, somebody kill that pipsqueak before I have a
nervous breakdown like!
running into the bedroom in his underwear- which he always
PIPPIN: Aragorn! The hot water's broken!
(Aragorn sits up sleepily. The other housemates stir.)
The which is what-now?
LEGOLAS: Pip, did you just say there's no hot water?
PIPPIN: Oh, I might catch pneumonia from this!
and Legolas go out to investigate, while a sleepy Frodo finds some
clothes for Pip to ward off his 'pneumonia.')
and Legolas get to the doorway and Aragorn casually switches the
ARAGORN: Oh my God. Big Brother, what the hell is going on??!!!
is Big Brother. It's Wednesday and Challenge Day. For the next two
days there will be no hot water and no electricity.
LEGOLAS: What kind of a challenge is that?!
BB: No challenge
at all. Your challenge is that each of you must write a
love poem to be read aloud tonight over pizza and beer. The hot water and
electricity is just Big Brother's idea of a sick joke.
(Merry pokes a sleepy head around the door.)
that's the worst curse word I ever heard. What's up?
ARAGORN: There'll be no hot water or electricity for 2 days!
ARAGORN: Oh, and we have to write a love poem each for tonight.
LEGOLAS: Do stop it, Merrykins, that's really getting on my nerves. Luckily,
the stove is gas!
other side of the room, a discarded coffee cup suddenly shatters of
it's own accord. Aragorn immediately hits the deck and drags Legolas with
him, landing on top of him. Merry throws himself down alongside.)
LEGOLAS: Yeah. A mouse with a dynamite stick- oh, get off me you great oaf!
(Pushes Aragorn aside impatiently.)
ARAGORN: You don't have to be so nasty about it!
(Suddenly Sam wanders in.)
SAM: Hey, who's throwing cutl-
a plate flies across the room towards Sam. He ducks and the plate
smashes against the wall.)
going on out there?
SAM (ducking again): Nothing, Mr. Frodo! You just stay in bed and I'll bring
your coffee in!
FRODO: Who's breaking plates?
(Quickly, Aragorn and Legolas ad-lib an excuse.)
You bounder! You cheat! You said you loved me! I hate you!
LEGOLAS: I DO love you!
(Smash, smash! Finally Legolas tires of the play-acting.)
LEGOLAS: Oh, for Eru's sake will you KNOCK IT OFF!!!
immediately stops. Legolas and Aragorn help the white and
shaken Merry to his feet.)
Not a WORD to Frodo, OK?
MERRY: If... I... don't... get nominated on S-Sunday, I quit!
(That evening Big Brother provides Pizza and beer as promised to seven
wretched housemates, scribbles on post-it notes in hand.)
is Big Brother. It's time to display your literary talents. Who
will go first, we wonders?
LEGOLAS: Thanks, Pip. For a sec I thought it might have to be me, and I want
to get down at least 2 beers before I start!
(Pippin stands up without self-consciousness.)
PIPPIN: This is a love poem about my best friend!
tried to hurt you,
We kicked him on the street,
Which goes to show I love you,
Your friendship I can't beat.
I know your body's full of foam
And stitching holds your sides,
But I see you and I know I'm home,
In you my soul confides.
(Everyone claps, honestly impressed. Pippin sits down and gives Aloysius a
SAM: I want to go next. Best get it over and done with.
(He too stands up.)
Red as a
rose are her lips soft and sweet,
Only my hobbit-lass walks to my beat.
Silk is the hair that runs down to her shoulder,
I've loved her, do love her, will love her when older.
Everything I do, I have her on my mind.
Aragorn gives Legolas an accusing look. Sam sits down,
FRODO: Sam, that was fantastic! Acrostic, right?
(Sam nods. Gorbag gets up suddenly.)
GORBAG: All right, here's mine.
Let me tell
you a little story 'bout an Orc named Gorb,
Lived in Cirith Ungol, found a spider with an orb,
One day she was out hunting out a bit of food,
And Gorb found himself a foster-father to her brood.
(Slave, that is. Love-slave. Orc material. Eternal watcher.)
next thing you know, poor Gorb's lost all his friends,
Stays in the tower, lives in darkness without end.
If only bloody Saruman would give me another post,
I could leave the evil woman and the one I hate the most.
(Complicated, it is. Need love. Needs me. Love hate.)
down, trying to keep a straight face, but as he meets Legolas' eyes
they both crack up.)
Man, you hobbits should have seen your faces as I was reading that
snickering. Aragorn starts to snarf and pretty soon everyone
but Pip is laughing.)
PIP: I wish
you wouldn't make so many grown up jokes I can't understand!
ARAGORN: Oh, Pip, go back to sleep. Shall I go next?
MERRY: Can I just sneak in ahead?
ARAGORN: Be my guest.
met at the Michel Delving pictures,
Boys were throwing popcorn down your bra.
And I'm madly, madly in love with you,
But I haven't a clue who you are.
If that was you in the black dress that night,
And I've interested you in a date,
When I sometime get out of this hell-hole
Ring me on 040987654328.
(He barely finishes the poem for laughter. The other hobbits are laughing
who's phone number is that REALLY?
MERRY: My grandmother's!
(Still laughing, Frodo stands up.)
FRODO: OK, here's mine. Nobody laugh!
I am smitten
utterly, in love with you.
Everyone's curious to know your name,
But once I blab my life won't be the same,
So the name 'Madame X', it will do.
my clothes, and shine my shoes,
You tuck me into bed at night,
And see my food is cooked just right,
Dear lady, without you, what would I do?
me hugs when I am sad.
We sometimes go to see a flick
You, darling, even let me pick.
I'm a lucky hobbit lad.
And if you're
dying to know
Who the lucky lass is,
(He sits down in dead silence.)
do know if we both survive evictions I'm going to drive you nuts
to find out her name!
FRODO: Nope. Won't work. Aragorn, I'm sorry, I took your place.
(Aragorn clears his throat and stands up.)
was green, the sky was cold,
I saw you dancing in the wold.
Your hair was dark, your eyes so blue,
So blue, so blue, what could I do?
was bright, the wind did dance,
The day you gave me half a chance.
I was so young, much more than you,
So young, so young, what could I do?
hides her face, in this cramped space,
Confused, afraid, out of pace.
You are so brave, so sweet, alone,
Arwen, please wait til I come home.
down. His eyes are red. Legolas, as he stands up to take his spot,
lays a supportive hand on his shoulder.)
LEGOLAS: I'm glad you understand, Aragorn.
(He stands up and flicks open a piece of paper.)
time I saw you, you were holding
My AC/DC CD's.
I want you back badly, Anatuviel,
Could you bring all my stuff back please?
could you bring back
The smile you had for me
In the days when you thought you loved me
And we made love under the trees.
(Legolas sits down.)
LEGOLAS: Don't ask. Delicate topic.
(That morning, Legolas and Gorbag walk into the living room to discover
Pippin and Merry bathing in a tub on the living room floor.)
Oh, some decency, please!
MERRY: Oh, the water's bubbly enough! Look away if it makes you
uncomfortable. I for one am not going to have a cold shower in the dark.
LEGOLAS: Where did you get that tub?
MERRY: Big Brother left it on the porch. I had to make a fire in the
backyard to heat the water. Hey Legsie, who's Anatuviel?
LEGOLAS: Ask no questions, and you'll be told no lies.
MERRY: Oh, come on! Guy or girl?
MERRY: Pseudonym or real name?
LEGOLAS: None of your business!
MERRY: Oh, OK, I'll go ask Elrond when I get out.
LEGOLAS: Elrond won't know-
MERRY: Ah-ha! So she doesn't come from Rivendell?
LEGOLAS: I didn't say that, I-
MERRY: So she does come from Rivendell!
LEGOLAS: Stop putting words into my mouth!
PIPPIN: She comes from Lothlorien.
How did you know that?
PIPPIN: When we passed through there on the Quest and we hobbits had to
sleep on those wretched flets, I couldn't sleep one night so I had a bit of
a look around.You were under a tree with blonde girl- at least, I hope it
was a girl- and you were kissing her on her-
LEGOLAS: Pippin, don't. That was a while ago!
MERRY: So this Elven chick gave you the ol' heave-ho, is that right?
(A cry from
the bedroom. Merry and Pippin grab towels, and they rush in to
find Frodo, entangled in his bedsheets, sitting on the floor. Aragorn sits
you fall out of bed?
FRODO: Fall out? The brute pushed me out!
SAM: That he did! I saw him! Or leastways, I didn't see him, if you take my
LEGOLAS: Fro, we've been through this before. There's no such thing as a
poltergeist. It's just you projecting your inner compulsions onto the
from inside the wardrobe comes a definite knocking. A horrified
silence. Then everyone heads for the doors in a mad panic until they spill
out onto the grass.)
Geez, Aragorn, did you hear it?
ARAGORN: Never mind hearing, I saw something, I think!
PIPPIN: Hey, cool, this is just like the Blair Witch Project!
(Finally Aragorn works up the nerve to go into the house, armed with a
broomstick, while the others stay outside. There is still clattering and
banging in the kitchen.)
OK, buddy Beren or whoever the heck you are, can we perhaps talk
(The clattering stops.)
OK, here's my side of the story. I'm doing this stupid competition
and I've got at least a week and a half to go. The Ringbearer may go this
weekend but I doubt it. You've got all eternity to go annoy anyone you
please. Why here? Why us?
silence. Suddenly Legolas creeps in behind Aragorn, who jumps
about six feet in the air.)
ARAGORN: Geez, Legolas Greenleaf, you nearly scared me half to death!
LEGOLAS: Just wanted to see how you were getting on. Frodo's fainted. I
don't blame him really. Pip threw a bucket of freezing water all over him,
so I don't wanna be around when he comes to.
ARAGORN: Beren, I have a good idea. Knock or something if you're open to
OK. You want to stay. We don't want you frightening anyone to death
or being mean. You know how dreadfully sensitive Frodo is. So why don't you
stay here and play nice? We'd love to have you around if you were nice!
Erm... so... uh... well, knock twice if that interests you.
LEGOLAS: Or once if it doesn't.
ARAGORN: We can go away and give you time to consider, if you like.
(Finally, two knocks.)
Great! Welcome aboard, buddy. Now if you could just clean this
kitchen back up while we go revive Frodo, then we can all have something
resembling a discussion.
and Legolas run outside where Frodo has just come to in Sam's arms,
spluttering and shivering.)
MERRY: We tried to tell Pip, but he wouldn't listen!
FRODO: Pip, you do realise there's no hot water! I'm going to catch
(Legolas and Aragorn stride across the lawn merrily.)
OK, problem solved.
FRODO: You got rid of the gh- you got rid of Beren?
ARAGORN: No, no, Beren's staying. But he's promised to be nice to you,
(Frodo swoons again.)
to find daisies strewn over the end of his bed. He looks
across at Sam suspiciously, but Sam is getting dressed and hasn't noticed
the daisies of yet. He looks across.)
brought you those, Mr. Frodo?
MERRY: Somebody's a lucky sod, Frodo. C'mon, you and Sam can spill your
little secret now.
ARAGORN: Actually, Merry, I heard something interesting about you some time
ago in much the same vein.
(Merry looks across at Legolas accusingly. For a second he is speechless.)
promised! You promised you'd never tell anyone!
LEGOLAS: I didn't! Anyway, it's as much to do with me as it is you.
FRODO: What on earth are you two on about?
MERRY: All right. It was COLD up on Caradhras, and I nearly froze to death,
and there's nothing queer about sharing another bloke's sleeping bag!
No, Merry, you're right. There isn't.
FRODO: I've done it.
SAM: And me.
GORBAG: Not me. You guys are queer!
(Merry jumps up in a fury, but Legolas overrides him.)
Anyway, Fro, I think you'll find your present was from a newfound
friend named Beren.
FRODO: Oh, God, please don't you're creeping me out.
PIPPIN: See if everyone hadn't nominated Gandalf out he might send Beren
back to... wherever he came from.
ARAGORN: Why would he want to do that? Beren's staying. We're going to have
(Suddenly Aloysius begins to levitate.)
at Aloysius): Hey! You nasty Elven so-and-so, you give
that back now!
(Aloysius drops to the ground.)
the lights go back on, half-startling everyone. The hobbits are
the first to the bathroom for showers.)
I wanna go first!
MERRY: Sorry, Pip, it goes in age order!
FRODO (still shivering violently, though from yesterday's drench or today's
shock no-one knows): Well, in that case you'll be second last, Meriadoc.
SAM: I think Frodo should go in first, him having that nasty chill
yesterday. What do you think?
FRODO: I think we should stop fooling around and all of us share the shower.
Legolas is making breakfast in the kitchen and Aragorn is
excercising in the bedroom. Gorbag approaches Legolas.)
Oi, Legsie, can I have a word?
LEGOLAS: You can have a few sentences if you want.
GORBAG: You've been making this whole poltergeist thing up, haven't you?
LEGOLAS: What? NO! You saw what happened yesterday, how or why would I have
made that up?
GORBAG: Damn! I was hoping this was all a joke- I hate to sound like Frodo
but this is creeping me out, too.
LEGOLAS: Oh, buck up. It won't be that bad anymore. Here. Stir this for me.
(Suddenly a voice-over.)
is Big Brother. You have passed. Big Brother has given you another
gift on the back lawn.
(Aragorn comes out of the bedroom.)
What, we got another present?
LEGOLAS: Let's go see!
(Out on the lawn is a volleyball net and a couple of volleyballs.)
GORBAG: Hey! This is just like hackysack, but it hurts more!
(Legolas rolls his eyes.)
(Understandably, no-one wants to play volleyball with Gorbag, who is
Hey, Arrers, wanna play some volleyball?
ARAGORN: Um, no, I'm... (searches around for an excuse and picks up a shoe):
I'm spit-shining my shoes.
LEGOLAS: I'll be blunt. My nose is already broken. No way.
PIPPIN: Not today.
GORBAG: Fro- erm, Frodo?
FRODO: Thanks, but no.
GORBAG: Well damn me, if I'm just going to have to ask my mate Beren to
ARAGORN: Let's roll.
FRODO: I'm in.
MERRY: Me too!
Merry, Gorbag and Frodo play doubles on the grass. Sam goes down
to work in his garden. Legolas mixes himself a Pinacolada and sits on the
deck chair watching them, and Pip sits close by.)
Legolas, what's that you're drinking?
LEGOLAS: You can't have any, Pip, you're not old enough.
LEGOLAS: Well, maybe just a sip.
(Gives the glass to Pip, who takes a great big gulp.)
Hey, that's enough!
GORBAG: Legolas, stop trying to drug Pip!
LEGOLAS: Oh, sod off!
PIPPIN: So, erm... what's in one of these here things?
LEGOLAS: I'm not that stupid, Pip. You stay out of the alcohol cabinet or
I'm locking it, you see?
his second of the same and he's lying in the sun, Legolas
quickly dozes off. The others are involved in the game. Pip sneaks off to
the kitchen.The game continues.)
you can't kick it, that's cheating!
GORBAG: This isn't the Olympics, you know. Will you relax?
ball too far wide, where it sails over the fence toward Sam and
his garden. Caught off-guard, Sam fumbles, catches the ball and falls down
in a neat drop-roll.)
FRODO: Come play, Sam.
(Sam throws the ball back and climbs the garden fence to play.)
Pippin stands in front of the open alcohol cupboard, tumbler in
Er... Vodka. Wonder what that tastes like? It looks like water.
(Puts a sizeable amount in the tumbler.)
(Outside, an argument has erupted.)
there's no way you could possibly have punted that shot
yourself. It was headed straight for the net, then suddenly looped over it!
FRODO: Well, I'm not magic, you know! How else do you think it happened...?
Oh, no. No, no. If Beren's going to spoil things I'm not playing.
the ball aggressively. It sails through the kitchen window with
a loud crash. Legolas leaps up from his doze, but the others stand stock
didn't do it.
ARAGORN: Oh, it's all right, it's all insured.
LEGOLAS: Where's Pip?
in. There's glass all over the kitchen floor. Pip stands by the
alcohol cupboard, giggling drunkenly, tumbler still in hand.)
Oh, my God.
PIPPIN: Did you come in to rescue me? That's so romantic, you coming to
(Legolas walks over and takes the glass out of his hand.)
PIPPIN: Bugger off! That's my drink, and you can't have any!
throws the glass on the floor with the other broken glass. Pippin
bursts out laughing.)
I think... I think we have enough glass on the floor. What do you
think, Frodo? I think there's enough glass on the floor. I really do think
there's enough glass on the floor. Do you think there's enough glass on the
ARAGORN: I thought you were watching him, Legolas.
LEGOLAS: I... I fell asleep...
PIPPIN: Watching me? If there's a feller in the house I don't want watching
me, it's Legsie, if you take my meaning!
ARAGORN: Pip, how much did you have?
PIPPIN: How much of what?
ARAGORN: Of anything!
PIPPIN: They were only little cups!
LEGOLAS: Guys, I am so, so sorry. This is all my fault. I should have been
GORBAG: Aw, don't beat yourself up about it, he'd cut a caper like this
sooner or later. Come on, Pip, it's detox time.
(Pippin is standing quite still.)
ARAGORN: Oh, what?
SAM: That's exactly how he looks before-
(Gorbag rushes Pippin to the sink where he throws up violently.)
Took, I'm going to go set you up a cold shower, and I'm
going to enjoy shoving you under it, you silly little sod!
(Pip goes to bed and sleeps the rest of the afternoon/evening. Merry changes
from sharing with Pippin to Sam. At three am Aragorn is awoken by a furtive
PIPPIN: Aragorn? I threw up on my blanket.
(Aragorn groans. Pippin starts crying.)
Want me to deal with it?
ARAGORN: I can't handle vomit. Sorry.
turns his light on and crawls out of bed. Aragorn flees to the
farthest end of the living room. By this time everyone is awake.)
Oh, dear, you're a bit of a mess, aren't you? Come on, stop crying,
you couldn't help it.
up the bedspread and heads for the laundry. Pippin continues to
Don't worry about it, Pip, it's only regurgitated vodka, it'll come
right out of these sheets.
MERRY: Come on, Pip, let's get you into some fresh pyjamas. Which ones will
it be, your blue ones?
PIPPIN: The yellow ones.
MERRY: OK. Come on, let's go to the bathroom. You can brush your teeth,
you'll feel much better.
out of bed and starts opening windows and inspecting the damage.
Gorbag goes out to help Legolas, but Frodo remains where he is.)
all right, Mr. Frodo?
FRODO: Not really, Sam. I seem to be suffering from the common condition of
(Rushes out to the bathroom.)
Big Brother, Evictions
afternoon, Pip is recumbent on the lounge and on the road to
recovery. Everyone else is gathered around awkwardly. Legolas and Gorbag are
unenthusiastically throwing the hackysack to one another. Aragorn is staring
into space, and the other hobbits are talking quietly.)
evening housemates. This is Big Brother. It's time for this week's
FRODO: I love you, Sam!
BB: It's time to say goodbye to... Meriadoc Brandybuck.
MERRY: Thank Eru.
a sigh of relief, he gets up smiling. Frodo and Sam hug him hard,
both of them a little teary. Legolas bursts into tears. Aragorn appears to
have something in his eye. Gorbag walks up to Merry and gives him a big
Buh-bye, Merry. You put up a hell of a fight these last couple of
MERRY: You and me both! You know, I think I'll miss you.
(Pippin stands up uncertainly, Aloysius in hand. Merry hugs him carefully.)
long, Pip. You stay out of trouble, OK!
PIPPIN: Oh, I'm going to miss you, Merry!
MERRY: I'll miss you too! But you'll have the others-
(Suddenly hears the countdown.)
MERRY: Quick! Let's go!
him out to the gate. Everyone else is more upset than Merry
himself. He hugs them each in turn again, then takes his luggage off
MERRY: I await you on the outside. Take care! Bye!
(Disappears behind the gate.)
(Once BB contestants are out of the compound they go down a wide corridor
leading to a stadium where J-girl and the BB groupies meet them. When Merry
arrives to screams and applause, he finds already sitting there Faramir,
Saruman, Gandalf, Eowyn, Gollum and Gimli.)
J-GIRL: Hi, Merry! Come take a seat!
(He walks over and sits between Gandalf and Eowyn.)
Ladies and Gentlemen, now we're halfway through the game we've
hunted up the evictees proper and it's time to ask some questions and have
some laughs! First of all, welcome, everyone. Could you perhaps tell us what
you've been doing since being evicted? Faramir?
I landed a job modelling Calvin Klein underwear. I heard Aragorn's
getting Prada- no, wait, forget I said that! But it's been fun. I enjoy it.
It pays good.
SARUMAN: I've landed a job as a cook in an Army barracks. It pays lousy. But
it's what I like to do. And if any of those #@!$ give me trouble, they deal
with Saruman of Many Colours!
GANDALF: Unemployed and proud of it. I went back to Bag End to keep it
comfortable for Frodo. Every week I expect either him or Sam to be evicted,
but their staying power is incredible!
J-GIRL: Yes, well, we'll get to that. Eowyn?
been doing a lot of charity work for the Children's Hospital,
the Old Folk's Home, and Cancer Research. Last week I bungee jumped from a
telecommunications tower to raise money for Leukaemia.
Wow! That's impressive. Gollum, what have you been doing since your
J-GIRL: O-kay. Gimli?
much, I'm afraid. Just slumming around the Lonely Mountain area,
a bit of this and that.
MERRY: Well, don't look at me, I just got here!
(Laughs. Faramir puts his arm around Eowyn.)
So I take it you two are still speaking?
FARAMIR: Oh, yes, of course. I've no hard feelings against Arrers
especially. He was just keeping Eowyn for me, same as I've done with Arwen,
and we don't hold grudges that way. I knew that if I was evicted before
Eowyn she'd try to get intimate with the housemates. I didn't expect her to
do it with Elrond, that's for sure, but we're through that patch now.
Right. Since your own eviction, which event in the house would you
have most liked to have been inside for?
Christmas. That was cool.
GANDALF: That ridiculous tom-fool of a Took getting drunk. I'd have sobered
him up with a right-good hiding!
EOWYN: Legolas kissing Aragorn. I will never forget that as long as I live.
GOLLUM: We wanted to stay for the volleyball, precious!!
GIMLI: I'm afraid I still haven't seen the footage of the Kiss. I was
outside at the time and not watching live, and I haven't seen a tape. But I
do want to see it.
What do you people think of Aragorn? Is he bluffing? Faking?
Genuinely confused, or on a newfound path?
No, Arrers is Het. He just likes to imagine he's ambiguous.
SARUMAN: He's straight. He's just been inside too long with Legolas, that's
GANDALF: Not sure. The door could swing both ways, but when he was lusting
after Eowyn, I felt there was genuine hormones and emotions going crazy
EOWYN: He's straight. I can assure you. He just kissed Legolas because he
knows that way they'll both not be nominated out.
GOLLUM: We think he's gay, precious! We think Eowyn and Arwen have both been
GIMLI: You most of you seem to think he's a straight guy pretending to be
gay. I think it's the other way around.
MERRY: I think Aragorn's just very lonely and insecure, and just wants to be
loved, even if he has to kiss a male elf to make it happen. I don't think
Legolas is having him on. It wouldn't be like him at all to do that.
J-GIRL: How do you like Frodo's stakes in this game?
I don't think he'll win, but he may stay a few weeks yet.
SARUMAN: He'll win if he stops having a nervous breakdown every five
GANDALF: He'll be evicted straight after Sam is, which I feel will be quite
EOWYN: I think he'll win. He's played his cards right.
GOLLUM: We don't care what the nasssty hobbitses does!
GIMLI: No, he's a-gonner. Especially if he comes up in eviction against
Legolas or Pippin, who are really popular.
MERRY: Not sure. I think his eviction's imminent.
J-GIRL: What about Legolas? Do you think he's the real deal?
Nobody can fake a personality for that long.
SARUMAN: A true gentle-elf, though don't know if he'll win, because maybe
people percieve him as an overachiever.
GANDALF: To be honest, though he's genuine Legolas is showing signs of
stress. He'll last a few weeks yet, though, and the others aren't likely to
start evicting him anytime soon.
EOWYN: He's playing the game well. He knows this isn't Survivor and you
don't have to scheme to win. I think his chances are good.
GOLLUM: Yesss, we wants the nice Elf to win!
GIMLI: Well, obviously I HOPE he wins, but I'm putting my money on Pip.
MERRY: No, Legolas is on a winning streak. He hasn't even been nominated
yet. He'll probably win unless someone throws a curve-ball.
J-GIRL: In short, stake your claim on your winner.
Legolas, though Sam is hanging in well.
SARUMAN: Probably Pip.
GANDALF: Aragorn is looking hopeful.
EOWYN: Probably Frodo or Legolas.
GOLLUM: The nice elfses!
GIMLI: Pippin, but I think Gorbag's got a good chance, too!
MERRY: Legolas. But I people underestimate Frodo's staying power.
Thankyou very much, I'm afraid that's all we have time for at the
moment. Thankyou all for coming, and I'll see you all again in six weeks
when the winner is announced!
(After breakfast, BB crackles over the intercom.)
is Big Brother. Pippin to the diary room.
PIPPIN: Oh, no!
GORBAG: Come on, Pip, hurry up! Do you want to be in worse trouble?
(Pippin scuttles into the diary room and plonks himself in the armchair.)
BB: I expect
you know what this is about.
PIPPIN: I know, I know! I'm so sorry!
BB: We at the station had a phone call last night from your frantic mother.
PIPPIN: Aaarrrghh! My MUM?!
BB: That's right. She's very, very upset. She wanted to speak with you, but
last night we wouldn't allow it.
BB: However, after having talked with the show's psychologists, and with
your mother a bit more, we've changed our minds. You can phone your mother-
but you must do it from the extension in the living room, your microphone
must stay on, and you will be filmed. OK?
PIPPIN: OK! When?
BB: We'll be unblocking the telephone in ten minutes. Let us remind you,
Pippin, that this is serious. You've actually broken the law and compromised
your housemates. We have the discretion to evict you if you behave in this
way again. Is that clear?
PIPPIN: I will never, ever do that again. I promise. Besides, Legolas has
locked the alcohol cupboard.
BB: That will be all, Pippin.
(Pippin runs back into the living room, totally untouched by his warning.)
PIPPIN: Guess what? I get to ring my Mum!
is Big Brother. Legolas to the diary room.
GORBAG: What've you been up to, Angel boy?
LEGOLAS: I've told you before, I'm not an Angel, I'm not a fairy, I'm an
and goes to the diary room, shutting the door resolutely behind
OK, somebody better tell me fast what's going on. Why is Legolas in
FRODO: Search me.
SAM: I don't know either.
GORBAG: He's probably not in trouble. They probably want to give him an
award or something.
Pip squirms in his seat. Five minutes later Legolas comes out, ashen-faced.)
What's up? Did something happen?
LEGOLAS: Oh, no, no. I'm too sensitive. I just got a ticking off for not
watching Pip on Saturday, that's all.
BB: This is Big Brother. The phone is open, Pippin.
(Jumps up and hastily dials his number.)
I feel bad spying on his conversation like this, but it's kinda the
point, isn't it?
PIPPIN: Mum, it's me!...Hi....oh, no, I'm quite all right now but... no...
oh, Mum, I said I was sorry to everyone!.... I just wanted to know what it
tasted like... no, it was yucky!... no, I won't!...... oh, it wasn't his
fault, Mum, I snuck off! No! Oh....
(Claps his hand over the reciever.)
PIPPIN: Mum wants a chat, Legolas.
(Legolas takes the phone.)
LEGOLAS: Legolas Greenleaf speaking.
screams so loud that Legolas winces and holds the phone at a
No, Mrs. Took, I totally understand... yes, I am a hopeless Elven
tosser, I quite agree with you... no, it won't happen again... yes, of
course we all like your Pip, he's a lovely boy... no, I was most carefully
to see that he wasn't hurt in the window accident... charming lad, yes.
I-... no, I definitely respect the wishes of you and Mr. Took. No alcohol
whatsoever. I totally understand, it's a wise choice you've made.... why
thankyou. Yes, of course I can bring him back.
(Holds the reciever.)
LEGOLAS: Pip, do you want to talk to your Mum again?
snatches the reciever. Legolas sits down next to Aragorn, looking
tired and stressed.)
Hi, Mum! Yeah, he's great, isn't he? Yes, I'm having lots of fun...
oh, wait, Mum, I have to go, I think Gorbag's setting up another game
outside. Ta ta! Bye!
LEGOLAS: Lovely lady, your mother.
FRODO: I'm nominating Gorbag for 2 points, because I don't have as much to
do with him as the rest. For 1 point I nominate Legolas because he hasn't
been nominated before and it's about time he was.
SAM: I nominate
Gorbag for 2 points because... well... because he's an Orc.
I'm nominating Pippin for 1 point. If it gets to this point where Legolas is
punished for not babysitting him he'd be best off with his Mum.
I'm nominating... Legolas for 2 points. He's the only person I can
think of who won't be hurt if he gets evicted. I'm nominating Frodo because
if Sam... oh, wait that makes no sense... yeah, Frodo. For a point.
I'm nominating Frodo for 2 points. He's no happier. I nominate
Gorbag for 1 point, simply because he'll always be the outsider.
I nominate Frodo for 2 points, because I think he's the only person
now who's not genuinely having some fun. For 1 point I nominate Aragorn. He
needs some fresh air and women to cheer him up!
I'm nominating Legolas, because he's never been nominated before and
I'm curious what Imladris think of him. I nominate Sam for 1 point. I've
never quite warmed to Sam. Every time I see the little blighter I know he's
thinkin' about that hobbit-woman of his.
evening. It's time to announce the Big Brother nominees for this
week. This week there are 3- Frodo, Gorbag and Legolas. Thankyou.
WEDNESDAY, CHALLENGE DAY.
(Aragorn is awakened by Schnoodle licking his face. He jumps up in alarm.)
LEGOLAS (leaping to attention): What's wrong?
PIPPIN: Oh, you can relax, Strider, it's only Schnoodle. Here, Schnoodle,
(Schnoodle remains put.)
Oh! How come Schnoodle never comes when I call?
LEGOLAS: Schnoodle's only a pup, Pippin. I bet you never came when you were
called when you were twelve weeks old!
PIPPIN: No, but-
FRODO: Schnoodle, you bad dog! Come here!
(Schnoodle leaps on Frodo's bed and licks his face.)
FRODO: Oh, how can I be mad at you for long?
Gorbag groans and covers his face with the sheets.)
I thought we agreed to keep the Mutt outside.
FRODO: I'll let her out.
across the living room in his nightrobe and lets the dog out. As
he's turning around the intercom crackles.)
morning, housemates. You're a little late rising this morning.
GORBAG: Oh, bugger off, Big Brother, I've had about 2 hours sleep!
BB: Nonetheless, it's time to announce this week's challenge. This week your
challenge is to write and present a news program to be presented tomorrow
night. You can prepare any way you please. Marks will be awarded on effort,
artistic expression and proficiency.
PIPPIN: Oh, another camera one! I hate these dramatics! Can I read the news,
ARAGORN: Pip, I'm so tired at the moment I can't think straight. Let me get
some coffee and we'll talk about who's doing what.
twenty minutes later the housemates gather around the kitchen
table to discuss the matter.)
way I see it, it's not a matter of who wants a big part or a small
part. It's what you're good at. I think... begging your pardon, I don't want
to put no-one ahead of anyone else- I think me and Frodo would make good
announcers. In the studio, like. Legolas can be the weatherg- I mean,
weatherman. That's a job with a bit of panache. Gorbag would be good in
ARAGORN: Which would leave me and Pip to cover stories 'on the road.' Hey, I
can live with that. Anyone object?
All right, so let's get this thing on the road. What news stories
can we drag up in this boring old place?
ARAGORN: The broken window! Act of wanton destruction!
SAM: Pip being arrested by the Big Brother authorities for underage
PIPPIN: Yeah! And Schnoodle made a real mess of the garden yesterday! How
about 'Rabid dog on the rampage'!
FRODO: These are all great. But you're forgetting the best one of all.
GORBAG: What's that?
FRODO: Merry leaves his pipeweed here by accident- King of Gondor uncovers
massive drug cache in Big Brother house!
PIPPIN: And we can interview each other! This is going to be fun!
start after lunch and go fairly smoothly. In a spare moment, Sam
stops Frodo as he comes out of the bathroom.)
Frodo, can I have a minute?
FRODO: What can I do, Sam?
SAM: Well... that's just it, Mr. Frodo, it's what you... can stop doing for
me, if you take my meaning.
FRODO: I'm afraid I don't.
SAM: Well, when Merry... got evicted, you...
FRODO: Oh, yes, I remember. Freudian slip. I meant to say "Sam, you can help
me carry my things out as I'm sure I will be evicted this time." How it came
out "I love you, Sam," I'll never know. Terribly sorry and all that.
SAM: It's not the first time, Mr. Frodo.
FRODO: You don't have to call me Mister all the time, Sam.
SAM: Well, it's like this. I shan't call you mister, and if you please,
you'll not say things like that again. Rosie will think I've walked through
Aragorn's double-swinging door, if you take my meaning.
FRODO: Sam, that is the strangest analogy I've ever heard!
Frodo is playing it like he doesn't care, he and Sam barely speak
the whole day, and both of them are clearly suffering on account of it.
Although they write the anchor news together, that's about all they talk
about all morning.)
is Big Brother. Costumes and a video camera are available in the
diary room now.
LEGOLAS (leaping up): I'll get them!
ARAGORN: I just hope Legsie's not going to wear pink chiffon this time
GORBAG: You told me you thought he looked great in pink chiffon!
ARAGORN: No, I didn't!
(Legolas comes out of the diary room carrying a crate)
Oh, give over, you two, there's no chiffon in here, OK? Let's see.
A couple of hobbit-sized business suits- that'd be Sam and Frodo. A jacket
and jeans for our sports commentator. Pip, I guess this blazer is for you,
and the other one's Aragorn's.
PIPPIN: So what are you wearing, Legolas?
pulls out a big shiny yellow raincoat and rainhat and puts them
Gawd, you look like you're about to flash someone in that get-up.
PIPPIN: Hey, wouldn't that make a great news story?! Elven prince flashes-
ARAGORN: All right, Pip, that's enough.
set to learning their lines. Gorbag and Legolas double up
and head out to the garden in the sunshine.)
I guess you're pretty disappointed on being nominated this week.
LEGOLAS: Well... not really. In a small way I guess I'm pleased. Now I know
how it feels to be nominated, whereas before I was doling out the sympathy,
but I didn't really understand. It's a bit of a pain, though, because now
we're down to it, I don't want anyone else to leave.
GORBAG: So you're not upset? I'm ropable!
LEGOLAS: Spare a thought for poor old five-times-nominated Frodo Baggins,
then. I guess... I'm curious to find out WHY I was nominated. If I'm being a
horrible pest, I want to know about it so I can change!
Aragorn takes Frodo aside to 'help me with my lines' and Legolas
employs Sam to help him set up the lighting for the program.)
Sam, has something happened between you and Frodo? You're hardly
speaking to one another.
SAM: I don't know what you're talking about.
LEGOLAS: Did you have a bust-up or something?
SAM: Well, no. I did ask for some emotional space, though, and I guess he
LEGOLAS: You did, or he did?
SAM: Well, now you come to say it, we both did, I guess...
All right, spit it, Frodo. Are you and Sam fighting?
FRODO: No. He just asked for his space and I'm giving it to him!
ARAGORN: I see. Did he ask for that much space?
FRODO: Well, he didn't specify distance!
ARAGORN: Don't be ridiculous. Are you ignoring him out of spite?
FRODO: He's ignoring me!
ARAGORN: And if you were talking, would you be fighting?
(The housemates watch their footage that night. Tinny music from Legolas'
boombox plays. Somebody holds up a cardboard piece with 'Middle Earth News'
written on it. Shot of Frodo and Sam at the anchor desk.)
evening and welcome to the news today, Thursday, 23rd August in
the Shire reckoning. I'm Sam Gamgee,
FRODO: And I'm Frodo Baggins.
SAM: First tonight, a major drug operation has been uncovered in the Big
Brother household when the King of Gondor inadvertently uncovered a major
stash of Pipeweed apparently belonging to a recently evicted housemate.
Peregrin Took has the story.
(Pippin stands by Aragorn's bed, with Aragorn sitting beside him.)
That's right, Sam, I'm standing here at the scene with the man who
uncovered it all, whose name I can't reveal because he's going undercover
next week. Ara- erm, sir, could you tell us what happened?
ARAGORN: Certainly. I was going through the suspect's old bedside table
looking for spare batteries for my walkman and there I discovered a quantity
of pipeweed with a streetvalue of about ten dollars.
PIPPIN: Has any arrest been made?
ARAGORN: Well, no, our suspect appears to have disappeared, but we are
working on it night and day and hope to have an arrest in the next few
PIPPIN: Thankyou. Back to you, Frodo and Sam.
other news, a rabid puppy brought the Big Brother household to a
standstill late yesterday as it wrought a path through Sam's taters,
trailing mud into the house and devouring a pair of Gorbag's socks. Aragorn
has the story.
stands in a specially-trashed bedroom with Gorbag beside him, ripped
socks in hand.)
Yes, Frodo, I'm standing here on the crimescene with Gorbag of
Cirith Ungol, who has been bereaved of his Scooby-Doo socks in the tragedy.
Gorbag, how are you holding up?
GORBAG (half-blinded with 'tears'): Oh, you know, Aragorn, you never get
over a thing like this. Those socks were like my children.
ARAGORN: Hold up, Gorbag, we're all here for you mate. (Pats his shoulder.)
A statement has been issued to the public to be on the lookout for a small
black puppy, possibly foaming at the mouth. If such an animal is seen, do
NOT approach it but contact Middle Earth News. Back to you, Frodo and Sam.
final story this evening recounts the act of wanton violence caused
by a reckless hobbit who destroyed the Big Brother dream home in a fit of
temper, nearly killing another hobbit. Aragorn has the story.
Yes, it just breaks your heart to stand here and see the desolation
this incidence has caused. These housemates have been without a kitchen for
two hours now, and the destruction is unprecedented. I'm here with Legolas
Greenleaf, a victim of the tragedy. Legolas, can you tell us what happened?
stands on the lawn, ragged-up like a refugee and 'crying', though
he is more laughing than crying.)
It all happened so quickly, you know, one minute I'm lying in the
sun, the next... a dream... destroyed forever...it's just like seeing your
whole life gone... please stop the camera. I need a private moment.
ARAGORN: OK. Here we have another victim of the tragedy, one Peregrin Took.
Pippin, how has this tragedy affected you?
stumbles in, glass in hand, doing a perfect imitation of himself
ARAGORN: Your kitchen has been destroyed. How do you feel about that?
PIPPIN: I don't know! I'm too toasted to be able to tell! Tee hee!
ARAGORN: Um... OK. Back to you, Frodo and Sam.
now has our sports coverage from this evening, and he's
joining us from the volleyball stadium. Gorbag, we understand some
interesting issues tonight.
You're not half wrong. Today is the eve of the big volleyball
playoffs in the Big Brother household, and already the tension is high. Fans
have been queueing for hours for tickets.
(Stock footage of the housemates, in costume, waiting at the back door.)
who is the expected champion for tomorrow's game?
GORBAG: Well, they do say that Gorbag and Legolas will win the double's
match, though Aragorn and Frodo are still very much in the game due to their
supernatural assistance in the matter.
FRODO: I see. Any other news?
GORBAG: Well, the shock news of this evening is that Legolas Greenleaf,
hackysack extraordinare, has announced he's going to retire from the game,
due to an unrelated nose injury. While he will play no more hackysack, he
intends to do a lap of honour at tomorrow's volleyball match.
of the rumour that Big Brother officials have decided to deem
Naked Twister an official contact sport?
Ah, yes, there's much speculation on this one and while you may see
the odd recreational game in the future, I've had no word on its being made
official. Back to you, Frodo and Sam.
finally a look at tomorrow's weather, and here's our resident wacky
weatherman, Legolas Greenleaf. Legolas, some varied weather in parts of the
country, we understand?
stands in his raincoat and hat in front of a map of Middle-Earth
with a pointer in his hand.)
That's right, Sam, we have some interesting weather around, that's
for sure. Let's start in Mirkwood where the weather is murky, murky, murky.
It could be sunny outside, but the residents of Mirkwood will not even
notice.Residents travelling in the area will do well to take a torch with
Over here we see the Lonely Mountain, which you'll notice doesn't have any
stats, because nobody cares what the weather is like when they live
Away in Rivendell the weather will be just fantabulous as usual! We're
talking bright and sunny, calm, and a warm 27 degrees celsius with a full 18
hours of daylight for the Elves to lap up.
And over here in the Shire, a cool, rainy evening clearing to partly cloudy
at dawn and brightening into a crisp, clear day, 20 degrees celsius with a
light breeze. And finally in Mordor the weather will be black, bleak, cold
and wet, with possible thunderstorms, hailstorms, lightning, sleet and
perhaps a tornado or two. Residents going out-of-doors in that area will do
well to take an umbrella and windcheater with them. Back to you!
I'm afraid that's all we have time for this evening. Stay tuned
for an update at ten-thirty tonight. I'm Sam Gamgee,
FRODO: And I'm Frodo Baggins.
(Gorbag goes to the kitchen to make himself an early-morning sandwich. He
nearly crashes into Legolas, emerging from the diary room with red eyes.)
Hey, what's the matter?
LEGOLAS: Oh, nothing. Just unwinding. Thereapeutic, you know.
GORBAG: I hope you're not still thinking about the incident with Pippin. The
little bugger ought to be apologizing to YOU.
LEGOLAS: He did. Anyway, I'm not thinking about that right now, I'm thinking
about the volleyball playoffs!
(Gorbag picks up a hackysack and throws it to Legolas.)
So will the great Legolas Greenleaf be making a comeback in the
LEGOLAS: No, but I'll think about an honour lap, how's that?
(Sudden crashes from the bathroom and several voices ring out.)
Sam, if space is so important to you, you keep to your side of
SAM: My side! Oh, Mr. Frodo-
PIPPIN: Oh, will you both just get out of the way- ow! Frodo, you just got
toothpaste all over my new pyjamas!
FRODO: Sam pushed me!
SAM: I did not!
ARAGORN: How about you all get out and let me have a shower?
I hate to see Frodo and Sam like this.
GORBAG: What happened?
LEGOLAS: Well, I shouldn't really be saying anything, but Sam just got jack
of Frodo being all touchy-feely with him, and asked for a bit of space. And
that's exactly what he got.
GORBAG: But Frodo's not-
LEGOLAS: We all know that. But Sam... I don't really blame him, he's spoken
for and all, and he's asked Frodo before. But Frodo's taking it out on him
now because he's embarrassed about Sam pointing it out to him.
brute force wins out and Aragorn pushes the three hobbits into the
Only a light breakfast, lads, we have to keep in shape for the
volleyball playoffs this afternoon!
in the afternoon the fun begins. The doubles are Gorbag and
Legolas against Aragorn, Frodo and Pippin 'helping.' Sam sits on the
sidelines and scores.)
OK, here's the rules! Rule number one- if the ball hits the ground
on your side of the net, you lose a point. Rule number two- the volleyball
can only be hit with your hand. Rule number three- supernatural entities are
not allowed to play. Got that last one, Sam?
begins hard and fast. Each player has his own style. Gorbag is
aggressive but not always accurate. Legolas is fast on his feet and has
great hand-eye co-ordination. Aragorn does most of the running around for
his team. Frodo serves to keep the ball aloft so Aragorn can serve it over,
and Pip doesn't do much at all. If Beren is playing, he's unobtrusive.
Finally the teams are even.)
a point off for you, Gorbag.
GORBAG: Oh, what?
SAM: Your side of the net. Sorry.
serves next, shunting the ball as hard as he can. It slams wide and
hits Sam so hard it knocks him off his chair.)
ARAGORN: Sam, are you OK?
(Sam doesn't move. Frodo flips. He runs over frantically.)
FRODO: Sam! Oh, Eru, Sam, are you OK? Sam, speak to me!
and Legolas suddenly realise it's serious. By the time they
approach, Sam is sitting up groggily with Frodo's help.)
I think I was knocked out cold there for a second.
ARAGORN: I wouldn't be surprised. Come on, let's get you into the house. Can
FRODO: Well, even if you can't, you just lean on me and I'll help you!
SAM: That's very kind Mr. Frodo, but I think I'm-
(He stands up unsteadily and wavers. Frodo catches him.)
I'll carry you, Sam.
SAM: No, I'm fine.
into the house, Frodo on one side and Aragorn on the other.
Legolas and Gorbag follow. Legolas is dragging Gorbag by one ear.)
Listen, halfling, that was an accident! Sure as you live!
SAM: I believe you, Gorbag, but could you not scream in my ear? My head's
(In a few
minutes Big Brother make the decision to come and collect Sam to
be checked over by a doctor. Frodo is inconsolable. Gorbag too is
distressed, but that may have something to do with the fact that Big Brother
also confiscated the volleyball and the ping pong.)
doleful, cheerless meal that evening. But as Aragorn and Legolas are
doing the washing up together, Legolas suddenly laughs quietly.)
What in Mordor is so funny?
LEGOLAS: It's not exactly hilarious, but- well- I think the Frodo-Sam feud
looks over to where Frodo, dejected, is playing chess with Pippin
ARAGORN: Poor Frodo! I hope they bring Sam back soon!
(It's actually quite late in the morning when the door opens and Sam comes
in casually. Frodo and Pippin jump up.)
PIPPIN: Hobbit hugs!
(The three hobbit-hug enthusiastically.)
Hey, Pip, don't be too rough, OK? Sam, we thought you'd jumped ship
for a while there last night!
SAM: They took me to hospital and wouldn't let me leave! I came back here
just as soon as I could, and I-
All right, no more hobbit-hugs, you're making me nauseous.
GORBAG: You're just jealous!
ARAGORN: Am not!
GORBAG: Are too!
LEGOLAS: Are too. Hey, I wonder if man-elf hugs are just as good as
(Hugs Aragorn enthusiastically.)
I think so. You smell so nice, Aragorn, what IS that you're
GORBAG: Ah, now you're just screwing with his mind, Legolas!
(Legolas ignores him and heads out to the corridor purposefully.)
is everything OK?
SAM: Everything's just dandy, as a matter of fact! I saw Rosie last night is
what. And there was nothing wrong with me, just a bit of concussion.I've had
worse injuries playing darts at the Green Dragon.
ARAGORN: Well, it won't happen again. The volleyball and ping-pong got
(Legolas returns carrying a box.)
But this didn't! Sam, I know you just got out of hospital, but does
anyone else fancy a game of twister?
ARAGORN: Can I keep my kit on?
LEGOLAS: That would be somewhat of a favour, yes. Yours may forget, Aragorn,
but all my friends are immortal!
GORBAG: You know, in CU I was considered a minor champion of this game.
PIPPIN: I want to play, too!
(Everyone looks at Frodo and he sighs.)
right. OK. But I'm warning you, I'm not known for my
co-ordination, and if I hurt someone, I take no responsibility!
(Sam calls the game. Surprisingly the hobbits are rather good at twister.)
right foot on red.
LEGOLAS: It IS on red!
SAM: Your right foot. That's your left.
FRODO: That's YOUR foot? I thought that was Aragorns!
shifts his foot and wavers unsteadily, one foot bent under the
other, one hand on yellow, the other on red, with Aragorn linked over with
his hand on green.)
swear to Eru I'm going to hurt myself doing this!
SAM: Frodo, left hand on yellow.
FRODO: Ack! I can't do that, I'll dislocate something!
ARAGORN: Call defeat then.
(Frodo edges his hand onto yellow.)
FRODO: Ow! Hurry up and get to my turn again, will you, Sam?
SAM: Gorbag, left hand on blue.
slides his hand onto blue with an air of curious unconcern. He's
managed to find dots away from the others, so he is neither entangled nor
SAM: Aragorn, right hand on blue.
his right hand on blue, Aragorn has to put both arms around Legolas,
who is having hysterics laughing.)
Legsie, for Eru's sake stop laughing! I have both my hands
underneath here, you know!
ARAGORN: Look out! I'm going to fall!
falls on top of Legolas, who falls on top of Pippin, who bumps into
Gorbag. Frodo dives out of the way.)
Ow! My hands!
LEGOLAS: Well, now we know who's the most unco-ordinated king of them all!
ARAGORN: Shut up. Do you have any idea how bad that was for my knees?
BIG BROTHER- EVICTION.
have found a great new occupation all right- they are right
in the middle of another game of Twister when they remember- oh- a little
thing called the Evictions.)
is Big Brother. It's time for this week's evictions.
GORBAG: I thought we'd forgotten something!
(They stand up expectantly.)
week, something unprecedented has happened in the voting. There has
been a tie-breaker between Gorbag and Frodo.
SAM: Oh. Dear. Eru.
GORBAG: Are we both getting kicked out, then?
BB: No. What will happen is this. Each of the remaining four housemates will
go to the diary room one by one and nominate who they want to be evicted.
The results will be determined upon that.
ARAGORN: What if it's still fifty-fifty?
BB: Big Brother will make an executive decision. Aragorn, you are first to
goes into the diary room. Frodo collapses on the sofa, an emotional
wreck. Pip gets him some ice-cream while they're waiting. Legolas playfully
throws the hackysack at Gorbag and pretty soon he's making a comeback.
ARAGORN: I never want to do that again!
goes next, then Sam, then Legolas last of all. He comes back out
LEGOLAS: Well, I did what I thought was best.
is Big Brother. The results went as follows.
Aragorn voted for Gorbag to be evicted.
Legolas voted for Frodo to be evicted.
as an aside- "I only did it because you told me you wanted to
BB: Sam voted for Gorbag to be evicted.
(Gorbag- "Well, duh.")
voted for- Gorbag to be evicted. It's time to leave the house,
Gorbag of Mordor.
(Gorbag gets up rather graciously.)
Surprised I didn't get the boot weeks ago. Well, see you all.
LEGOLAS: Wait a sec, we're coming out with you!
GORBAG: Legsie, I thought you came out years ago!
LEGOLAS: Very funny.
GORBAG: Well, since I know three of you voted me out, you can't really say
you're sorry I'm going, now can you?
PIPPIN: But I didn't want anyone to leave!
(Bursts into tears. Gorbag ruffles his hair.)
Ah, Pip, it's OK. You stay out of trouble, and if Frodo or anyone
else bullies on you like, you just zap them with the Touch of Death!
LEGOLAS: Do you want the hackysack? I'll never use it again.
(Throws it to him.)
GORBAG: Thanks- %$#@! Come on, let's go!
and Aragorn go with him to the gate. The hobbits stay in the house,
PIPPIN: Wow, that was so close, Frodo!
SAM: A bit too close for comfort. Perhaps you could, you know, cut a caper
or two in here, Frodo, to keep up your ratings?
FRODO: Let me know if you have any ideas.
(Legolas and Aragorn come in, wiping red eyes.)
I can't keep carrying on like this every time someone leaves! It's
not as though he DIED or anything!
PIPPIN: You know what this means?
PIPPIN: Schnoodle gets her own bed!
(After breakfast Legolas slinks into the diary room.)
I guess that I'm here to talk about how I feel now Gorby's gone.
It's all gone horrible. I mean- I don't want anyone else to leave. I didn't
even want Frodo to leave though I voted him out. But now he's staying, he's
going to think I have it in for him!
Gorbag was a real pal in this place. Aragorn's- Aragorn's adorable, but he's
clingy and he's not all that stable. Frodo's fine when he's not having a
nervous breakdown, and Sam's finding his feet around here, but Gorby really
had his head on straight. And now he's gone. I guess I'm feeling a bit lost!
the housemates are sitting by the pool, trying to get some sun.
Aragorn is reading a book, the others are just lazing.)
I'm bored! Somebody please, let's do something already!
SAM: Forget it.
ARAGORN (without looking up) Charades.
SAM: Ha ha! Don't make fun of me, Aragorn, I wasn't being funny!
ARAGORN: Neither was I. I'm as bored as you are.
FRODO: Obviously. You're reading a road map, Aragorn.
PIPPIN: And it's upside down!
(Aragorn hastily turns it right-way-up.)
It can't be upside down! It's a road map!
LEGOLAS: Planning your escape, are you?
SAM: I'm still bored!
LEGOLAS: All right, all right, so let's do something where I don't have to
get up. Let's play truth or dare.
(Everyone except Pippin groans.)
Yes! Let's play the ultimate in truth or dare- Truth, dare,
double-dare, torture, kiss or promise!
FRODO: Since you're so keen, Pip, you can be first victim. Which is it?
SAM: Erm... Pip, it's an unoffical rule of the game that you always pick
FRODO (smirking): Have you ever been in love with a girl, Pip?
ARAGORN: Oh, don't ask him that, Frodo, that's cruel!
FRODO: No, no, I want to know. Pip?
(Pip takes a deep breath, serious-faced.)
PIPPIN: Melanda Brandybuck. She's got really nice hair!
snickering. Sam pushes him a little, as if to reprimand him,
but can't help smiling.)
Pip, don't hold your breath... from what I hear, Mel doesn't...
well, doesn't like boys... (bursts out laughing.)
LEGOLAS: You know, Frodo, that's one of the first times I've heard you
really laugh in this place. I only wish you weren't taking the piss out of
poor Pippin in the process. You asked him a question. He answered. What's
FRODO: You're quite right, Legolas, I'm sorry. Pip, you get to ask someone
else now. But not me. That's cheating.
PIPPIN: Aragorn, truth, dare, double-dare, torture, kiss or promise?
ARAGORN: Mmm- truth.
LEGOLAS: This should be interesting!
PIPPIN: Do you... um...
(Legolas whispers in his ear. Pip's face lights up.)
Have you ever done drugs?
LEGOLAS: You're under threat of being tickled to death if you lie, Aragorn.
ARAGORN: Well, me and a certain elf went through this period of taking funny
pills when we used to spend the summer in Rivendell.
LEGOLAS: Very funny pills, as I remember.
SAM: You ought to be ashamed of yourself!
ARAGORN: I am.
(Sam, thus neatly countered, falls silent.)
All right, here's Pip's revenge. Frodo?
LEGOLAS: How original!
ARAGORN: Frodo, how did your parents really die?
(Everyone is aghast. Frodo goes pale.)
don't have to answer that, Frodo.
ARAGORN: Hey, look, we're all friends here, right? I just admitted to doing
FRODO: No, Sam, he's quite right. My parents- they- (whispers hoarsely)
ARAGORN: Oh my Eru. That's horrible! I'm so sorry, Fro, that wasn't a fair
FRODO: That's all right, I'm sick of all Hobbiton speculating, it's time
they knew the truth. They drowned themselves on purpose, however else would
you find a hobbit in a boat?
LEGOLAS: But... why?
FRODO: My father lost his job, and with that, lost his pride. My mother
loved him so much, she would have done anything for him. They hated living
at Brandy Hall. They left me there and... and... well, you know.
SAM: I think this game is over. Let's do something less volatile.
BIG BROTHER NOMINATIONS, TUESDAY.
nominating Legolas for 2 points. He tried to have me evicted, I'm
just getting the boot in first! For 1 point I'm nominating Pippin. The
little lad is driving me up the wall.
SAM: For 2 points I nominate Aragorn. What he did yesterday is really mean!
For 1 point I nominate Legolas. He tried to evict Frodo, you know!
LEGOLAS: I nominate Sam for 2 points- I just don't have much to do with Sam.
For 1 point I nominate Frodo. He's never handled BB very well, and he's at a
low point at the moment.
ARAGORN: I vote Pippin for 2 points, not personally, but he's just last on
the list for people I DON'T want to be evicted. And, well, I nominate
Legolas for 1 point; it's a safe vote that even if he's a nominee, he won't
PIPPIN: I'm nominating Aragorn for 2 points because he was mean to Frodo.
I'm nominating Legolas for 1 point because us hobbits should stick together!
is Big Brother. It's time to announce this week's nominees. This
week they are Legolas, Aragorn and Pippin.
(When Aragorn goes out to the kitchen the next morning he spies Pippin
coming out of the diary room.)
You, what have YOU got to whinge about?
PIPPIN: Frodo said I don't have to tell you things that aren't your
ARAGORN: OK, see if I care.
(Walks off. Pippin is deflated- his plan has backfired.)
morning housemates. This is Big Brother. It's Wednesday and time to
announce this week's challenge. Some things have come to our attention at
Big Brother. There are now five of you left. This week's challenge is to
organize a boy-band performance, live or mimed, to be performed tomorrow
FRODO: I hope this won't sound like whingeing-
LEGOLAS: It will!
FRODO: But why do we always get challenges that Legolas and Aragorn are good
ARAGORN: Because, and I hope this won't offend-
LEGOLAS: It will!
ARAGORN: Because eating a lot, reading books and moping around the place
aren't what you'd call exciting spectator sports!
ARAGORN: Well, they aren't!
LEGOLAS: Oh, shut up, will you? We've got work to do. OK. Miming or live?
ARAGORN, FRODO, SAM and PIPPIN: Mime.
LEGOLAS: Let me get my CD's.
(He runs into the bedroom. The others stand around uncomfortably.)
Frodo, I'm sorry about Monday. But you could have lied or
FRODO: I did.
You... you what?
FRODO: So I made up that stuff about my parents. I don't know how they died.
So don't feel bad, OK?
SAM (aghast to catch Frodo lying) Oh, Mr. Frodo!
clueless, Legolas emerges from the bedroom with his arms full of
OK, I've been looking through what's here, and we've got three real
choices. The Backstreet Boys, in which case, I get to be Howie, because I
said so first. N Sync. Or...
ARAGORN: Come on. Do your worst.
LEGOLAS: Or the Spice Girls.
SAM: No way! Not the Spice Girls, I'll quit before you see Sam Gamgee in a
dress, that's for certain!
LEGOLAS: Oh, it wouldn't be a dress, Sam, they wear lots of great pant suits
and tank tops and things...
FRODO: Let's stay on the straight and narrow for this one, Legsie, OK?
ARAGORN: I cannot STAND N Sync.
LEGOLAS: Backstreet Boys it is.
when the housemates are in the living room discussing what
they're going to wear, Aragorn goes to the diary room.)
I'd just like to apologize to Bilbo, and to the Brandybucks of
Brandy Hall, if I've raked anything up best hidden. I don't know why Frodo's
taking it out on me like this, though, I only asked a question.
I'd apologize to Elrond about the whole drugs caper in his house, but I
figure he owes me an apology for Eowyn, anyway.
(Half an hour later, Sam goes to the diary room.)
just like to confess that Frodo's starting to wear thin! He LIED to
me! (Gets all teary.) Well, I don't care. I have to stick by him, no matter
what, I don't care. But I can't help but hope one of us goes soon before we
start fighting again... I can't help it. I adore him. And he seems
determined to hurt me!
into the day before Legolas finally gets the finishing touches
onto the boys costumes. Aragorn stands impatiently in the centre of the
living room while Legolas takes up a pair of leather pants he's wearing,
crouched on the floor with his mouth full of pins.)
Take a photo, Arrers, this'll be the last time I'll ever be before
you on my knees!
(Frodo and Sam, who have been practising in the corner, start to snicker.)
All right, that's enough of that, you two. (Rolls his eyes.) Ai,
you guys have dirty minds! Frodo Baggins, I hope you haven't a mind to wear
that shirt for the performance.
FRODO: Sorry, it's the fruitiest thing I have!
LEGOLAS: But... but it's GREEN.
FRODO: Most of my clothes are green!
(Legolas gets up and inspects the shirt.)
Um, Frodo, are you particularly attached to this shirt?
FRODO (warily): Why?
LEGOLAS: You would REALLY have to trust me.
off the shirt and Legolas goes to the laundry with it, in
search of bleach.)
FRODO: Sam, go in there and see that he doesn't ruin it too much, will you?
(Sam scurries off, leaving Frodo and Aragorn alone.)
(clears his throat): Um, Frodo, I just wanted you to know that I'm
sorry about Monday. I really am. I screwed up badly, didn't I? I just got
carried away and-
FRODO: Aragorn, it's OK, all right? Really. It's OK. I'm fine.
ARAGORN: You... erm... you nervous about tonight?
FRODO: Um... no.
ARAGORN: I'm terrified.
FRODO: Me too.
(Meanwhile Pippin, who has been ready for hours, comes in from outside.)
I thought you were playing outside?
PIPPIN: Well, there was a big lizard out there!
(Frodo and Aragorn exchange a concerned look.)
A big lizard? Are you sure it had legs, Pip?
PIPPIN: Uh... um... I can't really remember...
ARAGORN: I'm going out to have a look. (Shuffles across the floor in his
too-long trousers. Legolas walks back out of the laundry with Sam behind
LEGOLAS: Aragorn, where are you going in those tragically cool pants that I
haven't finished taking up yet?
ARAGORN: I think Pip might've seen a sn- a big lizard without legs in the
LEGOLAS: Oh, great, that's all we need!
follows Pip out the door. Legolas shows Frodo his shirt, which he's
I warned you.
FRODO: Um, Legsie, I can never wear this shirt again... I'm grateful you
made me look like a Backstreet Boy, but it's not really a look I'm after in
the real world-
LEGOLAS: Sorry Fro, I'll buy you a new one when we get out of here and you
can give that one to Merry. He'd wear it.
FRODO: You'll be able to afford to buy each of us a whole new wardrobe when
you get out of here. You'll win for certain.
LEGOLAS: Shhh! You'll get yourself in trouble saying things like that!
(Aragorn shuffles into the house again.)
Well, if anything's out there, it's hiding so I'm not going to
the housemates are gathered for the performance. Even Legolas
is nervous, though he covers this by fussing with his outfit. Aragorn
buttons and un-buttons his shirt fifty times. The hobbits joke and giggle
is Big Brother. Are you ready?
LEGOLAS: Um... yes.
is 'Backstreet's Back.' Legolas has choreographed, and
surprisingly, no-one in the house is a bad dancer. All goes smoothly until
Aragorn bumps into Legolas, and both of them crack up. This sets the hobbits
off-cue, and soon they are laughing so hard they can hardly dance, and
certainly can't mime. BB comes on over the music)
is Big Brother. If you don't do this properly you'll be made to do
roll their eyes in impatience, but it sets them back on
track until finally the song finishes, and Frodo and Pippin break position
to throw themselves on the floor, gasping and giggling.)
was even more fun than that challenge we had at Christmas!
PIPPIN: Fro, you hated that challenge at Christmas!
ARAGORN: Oh, boy, I almost hope I get evicted on Sunday before I get myself
into worse trouble!
LEGOLAS: You in trouble? Never!
SAM: Well, I don't think there'll be much chance of me chickening out of
dancing in public anymore!
have dinner and celebrate with drinks. But Legolas goes into
the diary room.)
I'd just like to say that I think it was really unfair of you to
threaten us like that during the challenge. We were having fun and you
almost spoiled it. You know how sensitive the hobbits are, and you nearly
BB: The point of the excercise was the mime, not the fun.
LEGOLAS: All right, fair enough, but still... I don't understand why Big
Brother has to deliberately make our lives here hard.
out of the diary room to find the others playing poker. Pippin
emerges from the bedroom with Aloysius.)
Aragorn, you know that Big Lizard? I saw it crawl under your
I'm sleeping out here if that's OK with everyone.
SAM: Me too.
PIPPIN: Me three!
LEGOLAS: Hmmphh! Even if it is a sn- I mean, even if it doesn't have legs,
I'm not getting a bad night's sleep on account of it. What do you think
Aragorn? Shall we brave the horrors of room number two together?
ARAGORN: Uh... actually... I think these hobbits need protecting...
LEGOLAS: Oh, all right. I will sleep in there alone, for I do not fear
(At 2:30 am, once the hobbits are sound asleep, Aragorn creeps into the
bedroom where Legolas is- well- doing what Elves call sleeping.)
LEGOLAS: Aragorn, do you know that 'pssst!' is the most annoying sound in
ARAGORN: It's gotta be better than 'ai!'
LEGOLAS: What's up with you?
ARAGORN: Well... the hobbits are asleep, and... I want some company.
LEGOLAS: Aragorn, it's 2:30 in the morning! Oh, don't give me those
puppy-dog eyes. Pull up a chair.
the hobbits are sleeping soundly when all of a sudden Sam
wakens, staring into space blearily until he sits up with a start,
accidentally jostling Frodo.)
what's the matter?
SAM: Well... I could be seeing things, Mr. Frodo, but- where's Schnoodle?
FRODO: I don't know. Why?
SAM: Something's out there with big glowing eyes...
FRODO: Oh. My. Eru.
SAM: Don't faint!
FRODO: I'm not going to!
PIPPIN: Guys... Schnoodle's right here at my feet.
Suddenly from out the porch the eyes appear again for a
fleeting second. Pippin starts to squeal, but Sam clamps a hand over his
mouth- too late. Aragorn and Legolas stumble into the living room.)
What's all the yelping about?
PIPPIN: Gollum's back! Oh I hope we're still on good terms!
LEGOLAS: Don't be ridiculous, how could he be back? (He fumbles for the
FRODO: What are you doing?! Don't you know he... whatever it is... can see
right in here with the light on?
SAM: And we can't see it!
LEGOLAS: Nonsense. I'm not fumbling about in the dark stubbing my toes on
the furniture because you hobbits have overworked imaginations. Might I add,
Pip, your snake never materialized either. But I'll shut the curtains if
that makes you feel better.
FRODO: That won't do any good! He'll see our silhouettes! This is Gollum,
Legolas, I know you never knew him too well, but- oh, for Eru's sake turn
the light off, don't be such a bastard!
(Legolas turns the light off with a sigh.)
You know... what if it ISN'T Gollum? Gollum isn't likely to go
sneaking 'round the garden anymore, is he? What if it's... what if it's
Beren in material form?
(Frodo shrieks, clutching Sam's arm in a panic)
Pip, tact. Please.
PIP: Well, where is Beren, anyway?
LEGOLAS: Maybe he bailed when we had the volleyball confiscated.
SAM: This really isn't funny, Legolas, we have to think of something!
LEGOLAS: All right, all right. What exactly do you want me to do about it?
Are you tired?
LEGOLAS: Are you kidding me?
ARAGORN: I think we should keep watch. Just in case.
makes an impatient movement, but he realises suddenly that the
hobbits are dead serious. Frodo is shaking like a leaf. )
All right, I'm sorry. I keep forgetting. I'll keep watch tonight if
you want to sleep, Aragorn.
ARAGORN: I was the one who wasn't tired in the first place!
untoward happens the whole night through. Early in the morning when
Legolas is taking a shower and Aragorn is in the bedroom tidying up,
Schnoodle comes inside with Pippin's 'big lizard' in her mouth and dumps it,
dead on Pippin's sleeping bag. Pip wakes up, sees it, and leaps out of the
sleeping bag in two seconds flat with a shriek. Legolas and Aragorn come
running, and Frodo and Sam wake up.)
PIPPIN: Ew, yuck, get it off! Get it off!
(Aragorn grabs a towel and takes the dead snake away.)
Is this your Big Lizard, Pip?
PIPPIN: Well, it was!
FRODO: Oh, Eru, that was in our bedroom!
ARAGORN: Ah, it's a harmless grass-snake and wouldn't have hurt anyone
anyway. I'm going to give it a proper burial. Give Schnoodle a pat, Pip, she
did a good job!
PIPPIN: Lucky it was dead! Aloysius is terrified of snakes!
(Frodo is shaken awake by Sam, who takes him out to the living room and
points outside, in a panic.)
there. There. I told you, didn't I? I told you he'd be back, and
so he is!
truth, Gollum is slinking around the backyard, very much back to
being the pre-Pippin Gollum of old. He looks secretive.)
don't feel well...
SAM: Hold up, Mr. Frodo, nearly a week without a faint! You'll set a new
FRODO: But Sam... I thought this place was impenetrable!
SAM: Not quite. You remember the Elves, Sir, what parachuted in here a few
weeks back. Do you think he can see us?
FRODO: I don't think he's noticed us. Don't you go out there making any
(Behind them, Aragorn comes out of the bedroom.)
Hail to thee and thine, Frodo. What's up?
FRODO: Gollum's back.
ARAGORN: Oh, you haven't started up with that again, have you?
SAM: No, really, he's back. He's over there sniffing 'round my taters, if
looks for himself. His face is expressionless, but suddenly he
reaches to draw Anduril.)
come on, Aragorn, I think that's a bit harsh!
ARAGORN: OK, you go talk to him. I'm going to the diary room to complain.
way past to the diary room, he raps on the bedroom door and Legolas
and Pippin emerge.)
Sam): Maybe we should send Pippin out there.
PIPPIN: Send me where?
FRODO: Your friend is back!
(Once Pippin realises who it is he is unstoppable.)
out to greet him. Gollum hisses and spits, but he does not run
Why... why Smeagol, aren't you glad to see me?
GOLLUM: No! Smeagol is not pleased. Smeagol doesn't like the nasssty sneaky
hobbit who had him voted out, no precioussss!
PIPPIN: Oh, Gollum, you fool, that wasn't my fault! That's just how the game
GOLLUM: Not fair!
PIPPIN: Listen, Smeagol, what are you doing back here? You'll get in
trouble! And what happened to Baby Precious?
GOLLUM: None of the nasssty hobbitses business!
PIPPIN: Listen Smeagol, if you're going to be nasty you can go home!
(Finally Legolas and Frodo intervene, stepping out onto the porch.)
FRODO: OK, Smeagol, what's up? Forget something?
(Gollum begins to whine.)
Please let ussss stay, yes preciousss! Just a little longer! We
didn't mean to hurt the sarcastic hobbitses bunny!
FRODO: I would very, very much like you to stay, Gollum. But the game has to
be played by the rules. I'm sure that Big Brother- oh, here they are now.
(A couple of security guards come in and grab Gollum.)
GOLLUM: No! No, don't kick usss out a ssssecond time!
You poor old thing, you're determined to make this hard for
yourself, aren't you? See you soon!
BIG BROTHER, EVICTIONS.
never get any easier, do they? Pip, stop biting your nails,
you've made them bleed already!
PIPPIN: Oh, but I can't help it!
(It is the usual Sunday night routine, same room, smaller congregation.)
Do you remember the first eviction, Faramir? Wow, that was tense!
FRODO: This is tenser. Nobody liked Faramir.
LEGOLAS: That's not very nice.
FRODO: I meant it as a compliment!
evening. This is Big Brother. It's time for this week's eviction.
It's time to say goodbye to- Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Elendil, Isildur's-
ARAGORN: All right! I get the idea already!
alike sound their dismay, and go through a sincere but
well-trod hugging-and-shaking hands routine. But Legolas doesn't move. He is
still sitting very still on the lounge. Aragorn walks up to him.)
ARAGORN: How about a hug, Elf?
stands up and gives him a hug, burying his face in his shoulder.
Suddenly he sobs. His tears are not the usual theatrical ones of the past
Oh, no, no, don't you dare start or I'll never stop! You mustn't be
silly, I'll see you in a month anyway!
(Legolas sobs something unintelligable. Suddenly Pippin jumps up.)
PIPPIN: Stop the counter!
(The counter stops.)
Big Brother, I don't want to stay in here anyway! Can I go instead
of Aragorn, since he wants to stay?
ARAGORN: That's sweet of you, Pip, but-
BB: Pippin, that's noble, but it's not how the game works. Sorry. You now
have one minute to evacuate.
(Aragorn gives Legolas another hug.)
OK, Sam, Frodo, could you help me with my things? Legolas- no,
don't come to the fence with me, you're too upset. You stay here, OK? And
cheer up. It had to happen some time. I'll see you very soon.
PIPPIN: Can I come?
ARAGORN: No, Pip, you stay here and make Legolas some hot chocolate, OK?
(On the way out, Aragorn gives hasty instructions to Sam and Frodo.)
Be patient with Legolas, OK? He'd do the same for you. See that Pip
doesn't drive him nuts. I'll be watching the rest on TV, don't think I
SAM: Are you bitter?
ARAGORN: No, I knew this was coming. You two take care. Bye!
(And with that he opens the gate and goes out of the compound.)
ARAGORN'S EVICTION- THE AFTERMATH.
the compound, Aragorn goes into the Big Brother Channel
offices and walks straight into J-girl's office without knocking.)
Aragorn! What a pleasant surp-
ARAGORN: I got shafted. That was so totally unfair.
J-GIRL: Shafted? I don't know what you mean. You beat Pip by twelve votes
and Legolas by sixteen.
ARAGORN: Why'd everyone have to vote for me?
J-GIRL: I believe it was when you asked Frodo how his parents died.
ARAGORN: Oh, God, is that going to be my Albatross?
ARAGORN (rolling his eyes): The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner.
J-GIRL: Oh, oh right. Well, yes. Sorry, Aragorn, but you did last a long
time after all. Merry got evicted for no reason at all. Gorbag got the short
end of the stick.
ARAGORN: I think I just broke Legolas' heart.
J-GIRL: He'll get over it.
ARAGORN: Listen, can I have... you know... some names of people who evicted
J-GIRL: Oh, come on, I'm not that stupid! 'My name is Aragorn, son of
Arathorn. You voted me out. Prepare to die.'
(J-girl stands up and, patting his shoulder, points down the corridor.)
Down that hall lie the head offices of all the Imladris harems. One
was started for you when you entered Big Brother. The head swooner is down
there, and her name is Loupie. Go find her. Then go home to Arwen, for God's
sake, and you can both sit together and watch the rest of the highlights
J-GIRL: Hey, listen, I'm wanted in the tea-room. Bye bye.
(Gets out as fast as she can.)
(Legolas collects himself fairly quickly, but he is pale and quiet all
Sunday evening. The housemates retire to bed early, and are nearly asleep
when Pippin pipes up.)
LEGOLAS: What's up, Pip?
PIPPIN: Are you mad at me? 'Cause they evicted Aragorn and not me?
LEGOLAS: Of course not, now don't you be silly. It was very kind of you to
offer to be evicted.
PIPPIN: I really mean it, though. Don't you guys all be frightened to
nominate me next week if you want to. I miss my Mum.
SAM: I miss Rose. And the Gaffer! I wonder how the Gaffer is holding up? I
hope Bilbo- erm, Mr. Bilbo, begging your pardon, Frodo- I hope Mr. Bilbo is
keeping him company.
FRODO: I miss Merry. A lot. And Gandalf.
PIPPIN: Oh, cheer up, Frodo- you've still got Sam!
LEGOLAS: Hands up who wants this million quid?
(Hesitantly, three hobbit-hands go up. Then Pip puts up BOTH his hands.)
Well... it all comes down to this. If I wanted to go after Aragorn
I could. I could leave in five minutes if I want to. But I don't. Of course
we'll miss those that are evicted, but it's... it's not... it's not as if
they've died or anything.
SAM: Now you remind me, a million quid would go down proper. Not that I
wouldn't give some of it to you fine people!
PIPPIN: Ooh, then I do hope you win, Sam. It's a fine idea, but I'm so
hideously selfish that if I won I'd keep the lot!
LEGOLAS: Anyway, I think we're straying fairly into the banned topic, so
let's just go to sleep. We've got another big day ahead of us.
down again. Legolas throws his quilt over his head. Soon Frodo,
in the bed next to his, hears sniffing emanating from under the quilt.)
you OK, Legolas?
LEGOLAS: Yes. Please don't ask me anymore.
morning Frodo is sitting on his bed writing when Legolas wanders
Fro, I'm bored. Entertain me.
FRODO: Why, what's up?
LEGOLAS: Oh, I don't know. I'm just BORED. Got anything to read?
FRODO: Only Dostoevsky, which you said was-
LEGOLAS: The most frightfully boring Russian ever born. Urrrrggh.
FRODO: The only other thing I have is this Shakespeare volume one of the
girls who came to watch the fashion parade gave me.
LEGOLAS: All right, you've interested me.
FRODO: Well, there's Twelfth Night-
LEGOLAS: No, no, that's too frothy. I want something depressing and
FRODO: Richard III?
LEGOLAS: Oo, never done that one. What's it about?
FRODO: It's about a guy who should be king but gets shafted, so he goes and
kills heaps of people in his way.
LEGOLAS: And what happens to him?
FRODO: Oh, he gets killed by some other guy who hardly figures into the
LEGOLAS: Oh. Cool. At any rate it's gotta be better than playing hackysack
with Pip. He's absolutely adorable and I love the little lad, but I think
the whole hobbitic hand/eye co-ordination thing passed Master Peregrin by.
FRODO: When he was a toddler, he couldn't clap his hands. Do you know, Merry
taught him how?
LEGOLAS: Merry would.(Grabs the Shakespeare.) See you in a couple of hours!
again and heads for the garden. Sam comes in and sits on Frodo's
FRODO: He's reading Richard III.
SAM: Oh, my Eru. It's that bad?
FRODO: Uh-huh. Where's Pip?
SAM: Throwing the hackysack 'round the living room. Actually come to mention
him Mr. Frodo, have you noticed that we haven't heard much out of Aloysius
FRODO: Yes, well, we've all grown up a little in this house.
(Significant look. Both hobbits are embarrassed and look away.)
FRODO: Well... it's like this. I can't nominate Legolas. I just can't. So
it'll have to be my hobbit buddies- I... I nominate Pip for 2 points, simply
because he'll be less offended than Sam, and Sam for a point.
SAM: I'm nominating Pip for 2 points- he's ready to leave, I think, and we'd
all sleep better for not having to follow him around keeping him out of
trouble. For 1 point I nominate Legolas. I love him, but Frodo's my best
friend, I can't nominate him!
PIPPIN: Um... I nominate... Sam! Ok, Sam for 2 points because he has
something nice to go back to when he- I mean, if he gets kicked out. And I
vote Frodo for 1 point, because Legolas is heaps of fun- when he's not so
upset. I think we can cheer him up somehow!
LEGOLAS: Wow, I can't believe this is the last time us housemates get to
nominate. I nominate Frodo for 2 points. I adore him, but he's been anxious
to leave for some time. And I nominate Pip for a point- he also wants to
leave, whereas I think Sam wants to stay.
housemates. It's Tuesday and time to announce this week's
nominees for eviction. This week they are Frodo, Sam and Pippin. Thankyou.
WEDNESDAY, CHALLENGE DAY
(When the housemates get out of bed at the unheard of hour of nine o'clock
the next morning, they are confronted with a treadmill in the living room.)
have a feeling I'm not going to like this challenge!
BB: Good morning housemates. It's Wednesday and time for this week's
challenge. It's called forty miles to Mordor.
BB: The object of the game is this- you have forty miles to cover in thirty
hours. Each of you will take turns in contributing to that forty miles on
foot, wearing packs containing everything you brought into the house. It
will require stamina and teamwork. Big Brother have provided a hearty
breakfast. You will set out in an hour.
FRODO: What did I say about all these challenges being something you can do,
LEGOLAS: Oh, if I walk slow, will that do, Frodo? By the way, I've just
finished reading Richard III. Fantastic. Got anything else morbid and sad?
FRODO: Erm... well... there's Titus Andronicus...
PIPPIN: Will someone explain the challenge to me?
challenge starts, and Legolas goes first, while Frodo sits on the
lounge and reads Titus Andronicus aloud to him. Sam and Pippin go outside
and sit by the pool.)
Who do you think will be evicted on Sunday, Sam?
SAM: Me, I guess.
PIPPIN: Oh, you're always so modest!
SAM: Well, it's like this. You're a laugh a minute and Frodo's got his own
PIPPIN: Well, anyway, I don't like talking about depressing things. Let's do
something fun. (Flicks some water up in Sam's face.) Gotcha!
up and tears after him. Pippin shrieks and darts up and away.
From inside Frodo's voice floats out... 'hey! No running around the pool!')
covers his five miles, he goes back into the bedroom to
listen to music. Then he falls asleep. When he comes out a few hours later
he sees Sam taking his turn.)
Hi Sam! I thought Fro said he'd go next!
SAM: Uh... well... he did. But he's in the shower right now and there's no
call to waste time.
(Legolas looks at the odometer.)
Sam. You've travelled eight miles already! That's three more than
we agreed on each for now. You wouldn't be taking Frodo's turn for him,
SAM: No! I just thought I'd... you know... take some distance off his quota,
if you take my meaning.
LEGOLAS: I don't take your meaning. Does Frodo know you're doing this?
SAM: Not exactly.
SAM: I thought that was the whole point of this challenge- you know, helping
people out when you can and all putting together with teamwork?
LEGOLAS: Yes, Sam, but teamwork isn't doing someone's work for them. Come
on, get off that, you must be exhausted. Where's Pippin?
SAM: Having a tea party in the garden with Aloysius.
(Legolas rolls his eyes.)
HIGHLIGHTS, WEDNESDAY, CONT.
(Frodo does his five miles anyway, bringing the total up to 18 miles.)
we're nearly halfway there, I guess... only 18 more hours
though... and 22 miles...
PIPPIN: Hold on! I haven't had my turn yet!
(Frodo and Sam eye each other askance.)
it's very difficult.
PIPPIN: Oh, you have to let me try anyway. You walked eight miles today,
Sam, I can walk five!
LEGOLAS: Ah, let him try. He'll stop if he's tired.
gamely takes up his pack and starts walking, but by two miles he is
dripping sweat and has to get off. As he lets go of the rail he overbalances
with his heavy pack and falls on the floor on his back, struggling like an
upended turtle. Frodo and Sam start laughing.)
PIPPIN: Oh, help me, rot you! Help me!
(Frodo and Sam continue to laugh.)
Oh, I hate this game! You two are just mean! Legolas, make them stop
laughing and help me!
LEGOLAS: Pip, take your arms out of your pack before you do anything else.
to untangle himself with Legolas' help. Nobody goes near the
treadmill for the rest of the evening. But at 2:30 am, Sam wakes up and goes
to the kitchen for a glass of water, and finds Legolas on the treadmill,
what's all this?
LEGOLAS: Erm... just making up Pippin's 3 miles.
LEGOLAS: Hey, do I look like a slavedriver to you? We've got to get through
this somehow, I wasn't going to make the poor lad walk the rest. He'd faint
and probably brain himself and his mother would ring me up again. But don't
tell Pippin, will you?
SAM: My lips are sealed.
(By morning the odometer reads 27 miles. Legolas is frantic to make up the
quota- since his hitting the bottom of the pool in the Diving for Pearls
challenge, he's never failed a challenge. But the exhausted hobbits are past
Legolas, but 13 miles in eight hours is impossible when your
legs are this short!
looks pained. He jumps up and down restlessly and gives Frodo the
quintessential puppy-eyes look.)
FRODO: Oh... don't look at me like that!
(Fearing Mr. Frodo may be about to hurt himself seriously, Sam pipes up.)
help you, Legolas. I'll start and when I get tired I'll let you
PIPPIN: Oh, but Sam, you were going to make me something to eat!
FRODO: Actually, Pip, why don't you make us something to eat? I'm sure you
know how by this time. You've watched Saruman and Legolas and Gimli and Sam
a million times.
SAM: Don't make him, Mr. Frodo-
FRODO: No, I think he should. There are things in the fridge, Pippin, off
you go- oh, wait, let me turn the stove on for you.
into the kitchen and Sam starts off again. Legolas sets to
with a bit of housework, though he looks stressed and restless. Finally
Pippin emerges triumphantly from the kitchen, plates in either hand. Frodo
PIPPIN: Look what I made!
(Frodo to Sam quietly: 'he had help.')
has 'made' is slightly overcooked bacon and slightly
undercooked fried eggs, which through some disaster with the frypan
temperature actually look more like scrambled eggs than anything else. But
Sam and Legolas praise his work enthusiastically and they sit down to eat.)
I think we're going to have to admit defeat on this one. I've
been walking as fast as I can, and I've only gone a mile so far.
LEGOLAS: If I have to admit defeat it will be at four o'clock this
afternoon, not right now.
FRODO: Good for you. I think I'll help after all.
PIPPIN: And me!
LEGOLAS: Pip... you know we really appreciate you wanting to help, but
you're having trouble just carrying your gear let alone walking. But you're
doing a great job just looking after things while we're walking.
PIPPIN: No! That's not fair! You simply have to let me have a turn. The Big
Brother people said it involves teamwork and I'm not contributing! I have
LEGOLAS: All right... maybe later.
o'clock, Legolas finally admits defeat and gets off the treadmill
at 37 miles.)
is Big Brother. You have failed this week's challenge. Though of
course, we should rather have changed the name to 'Sam and Legolas go to
Mordor.' We're curious, what would you people do if you really had to travel
that far in such a short space of time?
LEGOLAS: I'd ride a bloody horse.
doom and gloom for five minutes, until Legolas picks himself up off
the floor, and to everyone's surprise, starts laughing.)
LEGOLAS: We are. All the folk at home are going to be killing themselves
laughing at me, and I don't blame them. I've been stupid. At the end of the
day, it's a flippin' game. Come on, let's go do something more interesting.
(But later Frodo goes to the diary room.)
I'd just like to say that I feel really, really bad about the
challenge. I screwed up. Pip had an excuse, and I didn't, and I actually
stood there and told Sam and Legolas that I wouldn't help them. Useful I
wasn't. I just wanted to get that off my chest.
BIG BROTHER EVICTIONS
first. Finally the household is so small that all the housemates fit
on the one sofa. Sam and Frodo are very quiet, but Pip is rather upbeat.)
Oh, I can't wait to see my mum! I'll tell her how great you all are,
of course. Hasn't it been grand?
FRODO: You haven't been evicted yet, Pip.
PIPPIN: Oh, but I've been just as boring as I can!
is Big Brother. It's time for this week's eviction. It's time to
say goodbye to.... Frodo Baggins.
up, a little dazed, but once Pippin realises what is going on
he shrieks in horror and hurls himself at Frodo, knocking him over onto the
sofa again. Sam is quietly hyperventilating over the shock of it all, but
Legolas helps Frodo to his feet and gives him an awkward hug.)
they do say that if you wish for something hard enough...
(suddenly notices Sam.) Are you all right, Sam?
up and hugs him. It's difficult to tell whether he's teary or
I don't really mind for my own sake, Mr. Frodo, I'll be seeing you
in a couple of weeks anyway. But I do wish you could have won.
FRODO: Well, there can be only one winner. Come on, help me carry my things
most untheatrical eviction in ages. Nobody cries as they walk to
the fence, from behind which the shrieks of 28 maidens emanates. When they
arrive at the gate Legolas cheerfully pats him on the shoulder and hands
over his luggage. Frodo hugs Sam again and shakes hands with Pippin gravely.
Then he opens the gate and night and the Harem swallow him up.)
LEGOLAS: Wow. I can't believe old Fro got evicted.
kicks over a rubbish bin and goes quickly into the house and
the bedroom, shutting the door behind him calmly.)
(Sam goes into self-hibernation mode, though not as severely as when he lost
Rosie. Pippin is oblivious to just about everything that has happened, and
cheerfully goes about his business, while Legolas discovers that Frodo has
left him his Shakespeare edition. He gathers some things together and
spreads himself out on the sofa, preparing to engross himself in Henry V.
Pippin walks past with Aloysius and opens the back door.
LEGOLAS: Where are you off to, Pip?
PIPPIN: Me and Aloysius are playing Tip.
LEGOLAS: Oh, Pippin, just when we thought you'd grown out of stuffed
PIPPIN (injured): Oh, well, I HAD, but neither you nor Sam will play Tip
LEGOLAS: Just you be careful. You and Pip can do your running around on the
grass and nowhere near the pool. Sam?
just emerged from the bedroom, looking tired and pale. Legolas gets
up and goes over to him.)
SAM: Oh, there are times when I wish I could just swear in this place!
LEGOLAS: Why don't you, if it will make you feel better? This thing isn't
totally live, there's like a 10 second delay or something so that BB can
edit out our bad language and our boy's bits when we're in the shower and
whatnot. I wouldn't mind a bit of swearing, actually. There hasn't been a
bit of swearing 'round the place since Aragorn got the heave-ho.
SAM: No, I'd better not, my Gaffer and Farmer Cotton are likely watching
LEGOLAS: Fair enough. Say, Sam, how would you like to sit in the sun and
relax all morning?
SAM: You Elves do have a way of sugar-coating everything. What exactly do
you want me to do.
LEGOLAS: Um... watch Pippin for a bit? He and Aloysius are playing Tip in
the yard. I don't reckon Aloysius is going to win somehow.
SAM: All right. (Calling after Pippin mock-sternly): But if you knock any
more teeth out, Peregrin Took!
PIPPIN: I won't!
engrosses himself in his book, headphones blaring. Meanwhile, Sam
lies on his stomach in the long grass near his taters, ostensibly watching
Pip but in reality daydreaming. By the pool, Pippin attempts to play Tip
with Aloysius, and only succeeds in throwing him in the pool.)
to grab Aloysius, but can't reach. Suddenly he overbalances and
Sam, suddenly brought to attention, hears nothing but half a scream as he
Rushing to the pool's edge, he is in time to see Pippin surface for a few
seconds and go under again. He is too far out for Sam to reach him. Sam
starts to panic. He knows he can't swim. And Legolas is all the way in the
house with headphones on.)
Sam, you ninnyhammer, what are you going to do? Think fast! He could
be drownded by the time I get Legolas! Pippin! Pip, can you swim at all?
PIPPIN: No! Save me!
SAM: I can't reach you!
around for something to throw out to Pippin. As he turns around
Legolas comes out of the house quickly. His arms are much longer than Sam's
and he doesn't even need to jump in in order to retrieve one sodden, cold,
bedraggled hobbit. Pippin coughs water exaggeratedly onto the concrete and
casts accusing glances at Sam.)
Peregrin Took, if I have to put you in a straightjacket in order to
keep you out of further trouble, then so help me, I will! Of all the
confounded things for you to do this is the worst!
PIPPIN: It was an accident!
LEGOLAS: Well, if you mean that in the sense that you didn't jump in, well,
I believe you. But I TOLD you not to play near the pool, didn't I? Didn't I?
PIPPIN: Yes, but- but Sam should have been watching me!
LEGOLAS: He was watching you. He was watching you get half-drowned.
(The comment means little, but Sam's conscience is eating at him.)
SAM: I should
have been watching him. He could have been killed.
LEGOLAS: Well, he wasn't, so no harm done. Don't worry about it, Sam. Put it
out of your head.
SAM: I've never been much good at that.
LEGOLAS: Well, you must learn, or you'll feel guilty for the rest of your
(They start to walk towards the house.)
how did you know what had happened? Did you see us from the
(Legolas looks confounded.)
N-o-o, Sam, not exactly- you called me, remember?
SAM: No I didn't! Not aloud, anyway! And if I HAD called you, you'd have
never heard me over those headphones of yours anyway.
LEGOLAS: But you did call me, I heard you.
(Sam shakes his head adamantly.)
Wow, that's creepy. They do say Frodo was the real Elven hobbit,
but I think you've more of the Elves in you than you imagine. Rumour from
Lothlorien has it that you've spoken in tongues before.
SAM: I don't really want to think about it!
LEGOLAS: Neither do I! Unlike many of my fair kindred, I hate thinking about
creepy things like that! Let's just put that in the Mysticism box and go
inside, shall we?
(Bright and early, Legolas awakens the Hobbits and drags them out into the
kitchen. Pippin is in world-class moaning mode.)
PIPPIN: Oh, it's too early! I'm cold! I don't want to get up!
LEGOLAS: Tough, Pip, this is important.
SAM: What's wrong?
LEGOLAS: Come out into the kitchen and I'll tell you.
later Sam and Pippin are perched on the kitchen stools, both a
This is how it is. I don't know about anyone else, but that little
incident we had yesterday scared hell out of me. It isn't the first time you
hobbits have fallen into the pool; it's not the first time that foolish Took
has fallen over in that area for want of common sense. And neither of you
can swim. But for the powers that be, we could very well be minus another
hobbit this morning, perhaps permanently.
SAM: I think I know what you're getting at, and I don't like it!
LEGOLAS: Well, here it is. This morning and some of this afternoon, you two
are going to learn how to swim.
(Sam is horrified.)
No, I can't!
LEGOLAS: That's precisely my point, Sam, you don't know how to swim and you
should, if but for your own safety.
SAM: But I didn't fall in the pool yesterday!
LEGOLAS: No, but I do remember three of you fell in the pool some weeks
PIPPIN: That was all Smeagol's fault!
LEGOLAS: -And it was you in particular that Aragorn had to jump in after.
Now no more arguments. Both of you bring out those old bathing suits I know
you have tucked away in your suitcases for some such an occassion, and I'll
meet you by the pool in ten minutes- I'll be gentle, Sam, I won't throw you
in the deep end on day one or something like that!
PIPPIN: Of course, I'm brave, I don't mind learning how to swim. But it does
seem to me that you're being just plain mean to Sam!
SAM: No, he's not, Pip. He's spot on. We can't swim, and if soever we had to
one of these days we'd be drownded for sure. Come on, let's go. (Takes
Pippin's wrist and drags him off to find his bathing suit.)
later, Legolas takes them outside, and in HIS bathing suit
merrily jumps right in- avoiding hitting his nose on the bottom this time.
He starts to splash them, then thinks better of it.)
Can we just get on with this! I'm freezing!
LEGOLAS: It's actually warmer in than out, if that's much of a consolation.
Right, now, see how shallow this end is, Sam?
(He stands up to demonstrate. The water barely reaches his waist.)
Which means that even if you were to sink right to the bottom, all
you would have to do is stand up and your head would be above water. So you
can't drown. OK?
(Sam nods miserably.)
Right, both of you come sit on the top step in the water- it'll
only be waist deep there, Sam, I swear.
(Pippin is the first to slide down onto the step.)
Oh! It's FREEZING!
LEGOLAS: Peregrin, you're not helping. Sam, don't just stand there, come on!
suit. He makes a face at the coldness of the water, but says
Right. Pip, if I'm not greatly mistaken, you can dog-paddle some,
PIPPIN: I don't think so. That's Frodo you're thinking of, I think.
LEGOLAS: Try to swim out here and we'll see.
PIPPIN: No way!
LEGOLAS: Pippin, the water's really shallow here. If you go under I'll grab
you, OK? And if you get wet all at once you won't feel so cold.
PIPPIN: If you let me drown, my Mum will be very upset!
LEGOLAS: I won't. Come on!
takes a deep breath and stands up. Then he jumps in. He goes under
for a few seconds but surfaces, gasping with cold and shock, and starts
Pip, use your arms and legs in time. Kick your legs... Pippin, do
it properly! There now, now you're getting somewhere!
dog-paddles the whole four feet over to Legolas, who grabs him and
brings him to the other side of the pool, telling him to hold on. Pippin is
still gasping and shakingm, but looks surprised and pleased at himself.)
Well done, Pippin! Don't let go, will you? (He turns back to Sam.)
Are you ready for this, Sam? You see, Pippin didn't drown.
up, but hesitates. He is visibly shaking as he looks down into
I'll stand a little closer than I did with Pip, if you want me to.
SAM: Please... please don't make me do this.
LEGOLAS: Samwise, I have yet in over 2000 years to 'make' someone do
anything. But I do wish you would at least try. I could hold onto you the
whole way, how about that? You wouldn't have to put your head under.
a motion as if to try, but suddenly closes his eyes and shakes
his head. He has suddenly turned very white.)
SAM: I can't. I just can't. Please, for Eru's sake, don't make me do this.
(Legolas swims over to him, talking quietly.)
All right, we'll stop for the time being- you can get out now. It
was too much for you, I know. But- when people aren't frightened of
something, they often don't understand why other people are. And since I'm
not scared of anything that comes to mind, I can be beastly in that respect.
(Sam brushes away frightened tears.)
LEGOLAS: No, I am. Come on, let's get you dry. (Sam gets out, still shaking.
Legolas turns to Pippin.) Pip, are you brave enough to swim all the way back
is still clinging to the pool's edge like a barnacle. He takes a
deep breath to consider.)
Can I just hold onto the side and move along the step?
LEGOLAS: You can do anything you have a mind to do.
edges along the side of the pool until he reaches the step. By this
time Legolas and Sam have already climbed out and grabbed towels, and
Legolas helps Pippin out of the water and wraps a towel around him.)
LEGOLAS: You did very well, Pippin, I think your Mum would be proud of you.
go out into the living room suspiciously. But unlike the
last 12 Wednesday's in a row, there are no instruments of torture lying
BB: This is Big Brother. Since this is your last Wednesday in the house, Big
Brother has decided not to give you a challenge this week. Go forth and have
PIPPIN: Yay! Legolas, can we go swimming?
LEGOLAS (looking at Sam): Uh... well...
SAM: I want to try again.
(Legolas raises his eyebrows.)
SAM: I haven't much longer to go, Legolas, I want to learn while I'm still
in here. I promise I won't carry on like I did yesterday.
doesn't. This time both the hobbits wade down to the steps without
PIPPIN: Hey, Legolas, watch me go right to the other side!
right in before Legolas can say a word. He goes under for a few
seconds, but finally comes up again, frantically paddling to the other side
of the pool. Legolas doesn't interfere until Pippin is safely marooned on
the other side.)
Well done, Pippin! You're quite a natural! (He turns back to Sam.)
Are you OK with this?
SAM: How- how did you learn to swim, Legolas? You surely weren't born with
LEGOLAS: Well, it was kind of an ugly experience. My father just threw me in
one day and let me sink or swim.
SAM: I take it you didn't sink.
LEGOLAS: No, but I never got over the experience either.
SAM: Could you do that with me?
LEGOLAS: Have you taken leave of your senses?!
SAM: Well, it's like so. I'm going to be terrified no matter what you do,
and I thought, well, maybe I should get the terror over and done with...
LEGOLAS: Sam, I'm not throwing you in and that's that. But I'll take you out
into the middle and leave you there if it's thrills and spills you're after.
takes Sam out to the middle of the pool. He is actually more
co-ordinated than Pippin, though more terrified.)
let me go yet!
LEGOLAS: I won't let you go anywhere until you kick your legs properly,
otherwise you WILL sink... that's better. Ready? One...two...three... go!
Sam goes under for a second, but he has the right technique, and
is quickly treading water.)
That's the way! Well done! Now keep your head up... it's not so bad
after all, is it?
tires and Legolas lets him get out for the day, but Pippin
refuses to budge.)
Can't I stay? Puh-lease??
LEGOLAS: You stay away from the deep end and none of your tricks.
(Sam and Legolas sit in the deck chairs and watch Pippin.)
(quietly): How are you getting on, Sam?
SAM: All right, I suppose. I just feel so wretched a lot of the time. It's
like Big Brother has taken people away from me to punish me.
LEGOLAS: But they haven't. It's the game, Sam, and it's all for a reason.
SAM: Sometimes I think the game has no purpose.
LEGOLAS: But it does, even if you can't see it. And you'll see them again.
Not here again, because we all have to move forward, but you'll see them
again, Frodo and Rosie and the rest. And when we're all together again,
we're going to have the best party ever.
SAM: The... the waiting is so long and hard.
LEGOLAS: But we're nearly finished. No use giving up at this late date.
(Calls out to Pippin): Peregrin Took, don't even THINK about cannonballing
in the deep end! You can't even swim properly yet!
SPECIAL INTERVIEW WITH ARAGORN, FRODO AND GORBAG.
Big Brother stadium, Aragorn, Frodo and Gorbag are sprawled out on a
sofa, prepared to be assaulted by J-girl and all her nosy questions.
FIRST OF ALL, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING SINCE BIG BROTHER?
Well, as Faramir blabbed in HIS interview, Prada have offered me a
modelling contract, and I've been very busy with that.
GORBAG: Ya know. Bit of this, bit of that.
FRODO: I haven't been able to get out of Bag End until now.
THE QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S LIPS IS, ARAGORN- DO YOU SWING, BABY? WHICH WAY?
Legolas is very special to me. He helped me so much in the Big
Brother household, in just about every way. He's my mentor and my friend.
But being there with him also made me realise- I'm without a doubt
heterosexual. I'll never be in doubt again, so I guess I thank him for that,
WAS IT A STUNT TO BOOST YOUR RATINGS?
No, it was not.
DID ARWEN TAKE YOU BACK?
I was informed
when I got back to Rivendell that I was never kicked to the
curb in the first place. Bless her, she's quite an Elf, and we're very happy
TO YOU. YOU SEEMED VERY UNHAPPY AND EMOTIONAL FOR YOUR STAY IN THE
BIG BROTHER HOUSE. WHAT WAS THE DEAL WITH THAT?
rather hard to keep a cheerful aspect when you keep getting voted
out every week! I just kept getting nominated. And it's an awful feeling.
You feel like everyone secretly hates you. So I guess I found that difficult
to deal with.
JUST AS A GENERAL QUESTION, HAVE ANY OF YOU REALLY HATED A HOUSEMATE?
Well, it's no secret but when Eowyn was in the house, I really,
really hated Merry. It sometimes looks funny on the highlights, but I can
tell you, it wasn't. I was serious about trying to kill him. Now I can
barely remember why.
FRODO: I don't think I've ever hated a housemate, though I've feared and
avoided many- Gorbag, Saruman, Smeagol.
GORBAG: Nope, can't say I've ever hated anybody, though Pip gets on yer wick
YOU SEEMED TO SQUABBLE A LOT.
Did we? It seems as though we didn't, though of course what you
were seeing was selected highlights and I suppose us fighting makes better
viewing than us getting along together.
FRODO: Well, we were complete opposites, many of us, and living that close
together can get ugly. I'm surprised we didn't fight more, especially when
there were 15 of us in the house.
GORBAG: Well, the only person I ever squabbled with was Gimli. I reckon
that's a good track record for an Orc.
ON BEING EVICTED, COMPLAINED THAT HE GOT 'SHAFTED' BY BIG BROTHER
AUDIENCES. DO EITHER OF YOU FEEL THE SAME?
I don't. I'm surprised I stayed in as long as I did. Orcs don't win
Big Brother and that's the truth.
FRODO: No, I'm confident that the voting was fair and the audience didn't
have a vendetta against me or anything like that. Maybe I did something that
made them mad. I dunno.
WHO DO YOU TIP TO WIN?
FRODO: Pippin. I think Legolas will be evicted this Sunday.
not sure. Just call it intuition, if you will.
ARAGORN: I think Legolas is going to win, though Sam is shaping up as a very
surprising Dark Horse.
GORBAG: It'll be close between Pip and Legolas, I think. Sam, gor'bless him,
is probably not a threat to either of them. Though audiences may realise
that Pip gets on people's nerves and Sam doesn't.
PIPPIN HAS A TALENT FOR FALLING INTO POOLS, ONTO CONCRETE,
KNOCKING TEETH OUT, ATTACKING PEOPLE WITH THE TOUCH OF DEATH, GETTING DRUNK-
It's all very funny when you don't have to live with him. I'm
surprised Legolas' patience has lasted as long as it has.
GORBAG: Actually, I don't think his patience is exactly endless. I was
watching the highlights when Pip fell into the pool, and a happy Elf Legolas
was not, let me tell you, when Pip fell in and tried to blame it on Sam.
DO YOU THINK LEGOLAS IS STARTING TO CRACK UNDER PRESSURE?
Not exactly. I don't mean to boast, but we really do have a great
relationship, Legolas and I, and he hasn't been the same since I got
evicted. But he's not cracking up, no.
FRODO: The problem with Legolas is he's essentially not a leader. People do
as he says because they love him, but he hasn't got the aggressiveness a
leader needs. And he doesn't want to be a leader. I get the feeling he sees
himself as Pippin's unpaid babysitter. I don't blame him.
GORBAG: Sorry, people, I think the Elf cracked about week 6!
GENTLEMEN, THANKYOU FOR YOUR TIME, SEE YOU ON THE LAST DAY OF BIG BROTHER!
out into the kitchen to see Legolas half-submerged in the
You know, Sam, there's enough food left in here to feed an army.
We'd better start on it, there's no use in wasting it, is there?
SAM: I don't think it'll go to waste. Pippin could probably eat it all on
LEGOLAS: Where is he, anyway?
LEGOLAS: For Sunday?
SAM: Actually, I think he's banking on Tuesday.
LEGOLAS: Oh, forbidden topic! Let's not talk about that, anyway, what a
boring subject, a million quid. How do you feel about cream parfait for
Legolas sets the hobbits to work doing the housework. Pippin is not
Nobody's going anywhere until Sunday, Legolas, and it's a beautiful
day out there. Why do we have to do all the work today? Why not tomorrow?
LEGOLAS (muffled, from underneath a bed dusting): Peregrin, if we did this
tomorrow, you'd complain because it was a nice day. If we do it today we can
all enjoy the rest of our time here without worrying about it. Now you go in
there and scrub the bathroom. Including the toilet.
PIPPIN: Why do I always get the yucky jobs?
LEGOLAS: The yucky jobs? Sam's spent the last forty minutes unclogging the
sink, so quit complaining and get scrubbing!
(Later, when all three are making the beds, Sam pipes up.)
SAM: Legolas, if you won the million pounds, what would you do with it?
(Legolas reflects a moment.)
I have no idea. I'd most likely squander it in some ridiculous
PIPPIN: I'd buy a mansion! And a yacht! And a ferrari! And a trip around
Middle Earth... and... and...
LEGOLAS: And you would have to buy a pretty cheap mansion to make a million
quid go that far, Pip. What would you do with the money, Sam?
SAM: Well now, I don't know. I'd give some to charity, because I really
wouldn't feel comfortable with all that money wasting space. But I'd buy a
house me and Rosie could live in comfortably- probably buy a people-mover.
And I'd get my Gaffer tickets to see the World Cup next year. He'd love to
LEGOLAS: So would I. (Smooths over his quilt.) You know what I've just
noticed? Twelve beds and two bedrooms, and we're all camped in this little
SAM: Ah, well, Frodo would say-
LEGOLAS: Oh, not that pack-instinct psychological bunkum. At least, I know
why I'm over here and not down the hall. I like you guys.
PIPPIN: We like you too!
SAM: I am so glad we don't have to vote each other off this week.
as they are packing away the games in the living room, Pippin comes
across Mordopoly and insists they sit down to play.)
You know I don't like my schedule interrupted- there now, I want to
SAM: Well now, if you win the money you can make Galadriel an offer!
(They giggle inordinately.)
(Later, Pippin visits the diary room.)
Me and Aloysius just want to say that we really liked being on Big
Brother, and we don't want to leave! Oh, of course we all have to leave, but
still... I think I've matured heaps in the house. I was so immature when I
came in here!
Legolas is summoned to the diary room and comes out with a
couple of sheets of paper.)
Big Brother want us to have a look again at our application forms
for Big Brother. I expect it will be a bit of a laugh.
the hobbits take their forms and start reading. Legolas is the
first to start laughing.)
Listen to this! Under 'What is your worst fault?' I've written down
'I never take anything seriously!'
SAM: Oh, I don't think that's true.
LEGOLAS: I do. It IS my worst fault.
SAM: I just think you only take serious things seriously, if you take my
meaning. I've written down that I take things TOO seriously.
LEGOLAS: Oh, I think that's Frodo's worst fault, though he's improving too,
and you can hardly blame him since the Quest. Your worst fault is similar,
though. You can't take a joke.
(Sam pouts, but Legolas starts to laugh.)
See what I mean?
PIPPIN: I've said my worst fault is that I have a short atten- huh? I didn't
even finish the sentence!
(Legolas is in gales of laughter.)
Peregrin, you are hopeless. Right-o. 'What do you hope to gain from
the Big Brother experience?' I've written 'I hope to mature, to gain
leadership skills and to make friends. I also hope to gain the respect of my
fair kindred, to be taken seriously at the Council of Elrond, and the
million pounds wouldn't go astray either.'
SAM: I've written, 'I hope I have fun and make friends, and learn to be a
better person to live with. I don't expect to win.'
PIPPIN: I wrote 'I want the money.'
LEGOLAS: Oh, we're all such mercenary bastards!
to promise, Pippin spends the day paddling in the pool, in the
process getting burned nearly to a crisp. Of course, he doesn't notice until
he goes inside for dinner.)
Legolas... my back's really sore.
LEGOLAS: What do you mean?
PIPPIN: I mean it really stings!
(Legolas gets up, goes over to him to inspect.)
Well, I'm not one bit surprised. You're nearly burned to a sizzle,
Pipster. I told you to wear sunscreen.
PIPPIN: I did! But it washed off!
LEGOLAS: Pip, go take a cold shower and then go to bed, OK? I'll be in
later. Me and Sam want to talk.
marches off. As he shuts the bathroom door behind him, Legolas
starts to laugh.)
Oh, I just can't be mad with him for long. I can't. He's hilarious.
SAM: I'll bet he's really in pain, though.
LEGOLAS: Well, it's his own fault if he is. (Goes to the alcohol cupboard.)
Fancy some of my Christmas Scotch, Sam?
SAM: Er... no thankyou. Scotch seems to go straight to my knees.
LEGOLAS: And mine. (Swigs from the bottle.) Well, it's here if you want it.
SAM: On second thoughts I might have a gin and tonic. (Leaps up to get it.)
sits under the cold shower for as long as he dares. Then he
gets out, grabs a towel and makes a dash for the bedroom. However, on the
way, he spies Legolas and Sam sitting on the back step, bottles in hand,
Do you remember... do you remember at the Ring Council... when
Elrond stood up and tripped on his cloak and ripped it? The Red Book didn't
record that one!
SAM: Nor the time Frodo sleepwalked in Ithilien; I got him when he was about
two inches away from the falls!
LEGOLAS: Oh, Sam, why don't they ever put funny things in epics?
SAM: They do, they do. Just not ridiculous things. Pass the gin.
scooches into the bedroom. Legolas passes Sam the gin and slaps his
You know, Sam, it might just be the Scotch talking, but you're a
great guy, you know that?
LEGOLAS: Oh, I'm not going to come onto you or anything like that! But the
day is near. I just thought I'd tell you. I'm going to go get some ice.
up, then suddenly sways, grabs the side of the door and moans. Sam
jumps up anxiously.)
wrong? Are you sick?
LEGOLAS: Scotch. Bloody, wretched Scotch. Goes straight to my guts and
SAM: Oh, do come and sit on the lounge for a bit, maybe you'll feel better!
Legolas to the sofa and he flops down wretchedly. He doesn't say
anything for a few minutes, and Sam stands alongside, anxious.)
do seem awfully drunk.
LEGOLAS: I am... absolutely... loaded. I am. It's a Greenleaf curse. Clear
head, lousy everywhere else.
SAM: Is there anything I can do? Oh, what can I do?
LEGOLAS: You can... you can... get me a sick bucket.
across the kitchen to find one. When he turns around Pippin is
standing in front of Legolas with his pyjamas on, Aloysius in one hand.)
PIPPIN: Legolas? Are you sick?
(Painfully, Legolas sits up.)
Oh, no, no, Pip. I'm not. Really I'm not. I'm just a little...
well... I've just had too much for me, that's all, really. (Starts laughing
a little. Then he stops short, turning green.)
LEGOLAS: Sam, the bucket.
him the bucket and he- ahem- uses it. Pippin is honestly
PIPPIN: Oh, Legolas!
a moment, then takes the bucket away. Legolas flops back down on
SAM: Pippin, go to bed please.
(Pippin goes to bed. As Sam comes back, Legolas is struggling to his feet.)
no you don't. You lie down and I'll get your blanket.
LEGOLAS: No, I don't want to be banished out here!
SAM: You won't be. I'll sleep on the other sofa.
LEGOLAS: Oh, you're a pal, Sam, you really are. You are so good to me. You
are so... I mean, so... (falls asleep.)
(It is well
on ten am before Sam finally wakes up on the couch, still fully
clothed from the night before. He puts his hand to his head and winces, just
as Legolas merrily comes out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel.)
LEGOLAS: Good morning. I saved you some hot water.
(Sam stares in amazement.)
if you've discovered some great new hangover cure, you'd best
tell me quickly!
LEGOLAS: Me? Oh, no, I never get hangovers. Good genes, I guess. Just drink
it in, throw it up and I'm no further trouble to anybody. You look awful.
SAM: Well, we Gamgees do things differently. We hold our liquor down and pay
for it afterwards.
(At this junction Pippin comes skipping in, Aloysius in one hand.)
Boy, you look awful, Sam.
SAM: Oh, I'll live. Have you eaten?
PIPPIN: Well... I did have some toast...
(Sam stands up resolutely, but Legolas prevents him.)
Pippin, since it's the last Sunday morning in the house, you can
cook for me and Sam, how's that?
(Pippin's face lights up.)
LEGOLAS: Don't burn yourself. There's bacon and eggs and sausage and tomato
in the refrigerator, and the pan's already on the stove.
(Sam groans and pulls the coverlet over his head.)
LEGOLAS: What? You don't want to try Aragorn's Famous Hangover Cure?
however recover himself sufficiently for the Big Eviction, though
he swears for hours on end he'll never drink again. Legolas bounces around
the house like normal, though the cameras pick up some quiet cough-retching
every so often. As they gather together, Pippin can hardly contain himself.
Oh, this is going to be grand, whatever happens!
LEGOLAS: Don't you want to win?
PIPPIN: I want my mother.
SAM: I want my Rosie.
LEGOLAS: I want-
(Cuts short. The others stare at him.)
I guess I don't know what I want. But it won't be doom-and-gloom if
I get chucked this week. I-
evening, this is Big Brother. It's Sunday and time to announce this
week's eviction. It's time to leave the house, Peregrin Took.
leaps up, nearly hysterical with joy. He gives Sam a careful hug and
Legolas a rougher one, then grabs his huge suitcase and attempts to lug it
LEGOLAS: Whoa! Wait on, Pippin, you'll need some help there! Coming, Sam?
up and follows them out across the lawn. Pippin is bouncing up and
down, clapping his hands occassionally. He really does appear not to care
about being evicted at this late date. As the gate is opened he hugs Legolas
and Sam again, takes his cases and leaves.)
for a few seconds. Then Legolas slaps Sam a low-five and the run
giggling back to the house.)
Oh, I suspected he'd go this week. And he'll be fine. He needs his
Mum. No more babysitting for this Elf!
Legolas take the opportunity to sleep in until 10:30, since there
is no Pippin around to wake them up or distract them. Legolas is first up,
and when Sam comes out to the living room he sees Legolas taking down the
cardboard plaque with Frodo's Haiku on it.)
Well, I don't care what Big Brother say, if they want me to leave
this behind they're going to have to fight me for it!
SAM: I don't think you quite understand. I think Fro meant that as an
LEGOLAS: Sam, you know very well why it's so funny. But don't spoil it. I'm
going to have my fun tomorrow night.
SAM: Who will laugh, I wonder?
LEGOLAS: I will, and that's all I care about at present. And old Fro
couldn't be mean if he tried.
SAM: Couldn't he?
LEGOLAS: Oh, you take things too seriously. (Looks around.) Wow, this place
really is quiet without babies and puppies and bunnies and bears. Oh!
Speaking of which, I have something for you. (Goes to his room and rummages
around an already-packed suitcase. Finally he comes out with a small box in
his hand and gives it to Sam.)
You want something Elven? The only thing more Elven than that in
this place is me.
box is a small dagger, with a gold hilt, decorated with green Beryls
and a raised inscription up the handle. Sam chokes up.)
no, I can't have this.
LEGOLAS: Go on and give in to temptation on your last day in here, Sam. I
really want you to have it. My Dad gave it to me as one of a pair on my 21st
birthday, so it's rather old, but still good. The other I gave to- well. Dad
wanted me to learn how to use them properly, but I chose the sissy bow and
arrow instead. He made me take lessons in those things for years. They do
come in handy sometimes, but mostly they're just something cool to have on
SAM: I wish there was something I could give you.
LEGOLAS: Hey, look, Sam, seeing you swimming the other day was the best
present ever. You must have been terrified. It would have been like setting
Maggott's dogs on Frodo.
SAM: Well, I do feel less frightened of the water now. But I still don't
LEGOLAS: And I'm none too fond of Balrogs, Sam, but I probably wouldn't
scream and run away if I saw one.
Sam and Legolas are playing Chess, Sam clears his throat and
pipes up again.)
where do you think you'll go after Big Brother?
LEGOLAS: Why, home, I expect.
SAM: Do you want to?
LEGOLAS: Not particularly. I want to see a bit of Middle Earth, that's what.
SAM: Um... well... I was wondering if you'd like to come visit me and Rosie
in the Shire. You've never been there before, and I live right up the street
from Frodo, and-
LEGOLAS: Hey, I'd love to. So long as you don't mind Gimli coming, too. He'd
be furious if I left him at home. And then you and Rosie could come and hang
out in Mirkwood with me. Forget Rivendell Elves, Sam, they really are no
fun. It's like being in church all day. Nope, nobody parties down like
Mirkwood Elves. Checkmate!
(Sam stares at the board in shock.)
I could have SWORN...
LEGOLAS: You could have, but you chose not to the other day, remember?
(J-girl again meets up with the original 11 housemates to discuss BB.)
Well, it looks as though Legolas' premonition of Cabin Fever
besetting one of the housemates didn't come true.
GORBAG: Really? Have you been watching the 10:00 timeslot version?
We're not airing it on this program, and I haven't seen it in a few
weeks. There's only so many shots of you people in the shower audiences can
watch without it getting monotonous.
EOWYN: You're right, J-girl, it's much more fun when you're in there
How does it feel watching the housemates from the outside?
ARAGORN: It's truly a weird experience. It's like a show again, and it's
hard to comprehend that you were there once, too.
Are Legolas and Sam different in real life than they appear in the
FRODO: Not really.
MERRY: Well, of course, being highlights they are the most interesting parts
of our day. Which means I dread to think how boring today was for them.
Legolas is the same guy in real life, but they only show the things he says
which are witty or interesting. Like everybody, he says a lot of monotonous
things, too. Sam is good old dependable Sam, whichever way you look at him.
Do you think Sam has a chance against the great Legolas?
ARAGORN: Unfortunately, no.
FRODO: I'd like to hope so, but it doesn't look good.
MERRY: Well, I love Sam, and I think other people besides me want him to
PIPPIN: I do!
GIMLI: It would be nice to see an underdog win.
How do you percieve this whole 'Scotch talking' business?
GIMLI: Oh, that, that was something out of nothing. Everybody talks like
that when they've had a few.
ARAGORN: Ah, but the question is, had he had a few or was he bluffing?
GIMLI: No, I've watched him drink Scotch, he's always like that.
GANDALF: I think Legolas just wants to be popular and have friends. Giving
Sam the dagger, for example. That was a generous thing to do. I think he
really meant it, though.
Will you all be there tomorrow?
GANDALF: We have rallied. We will be there. I am bringing fireworks, and
SARUMAN: I'm in charge of the booze.
J-GIRL: Sounds GREAT guys, see you tomorrow!
(J-girl, having snuck out of the Harem without Cion noticing, arrives at the
studio dressed to the max. The cameras go live into Big Brother.)
and Sam are in the living room, and Legolas is trying to explain to
Sam how to use his Elven knife.)
All right, well, the first thing to remember is what it's NOT- it
isn't a sword, so using it like one will be difficult because the handle's
all wrong, see? All right. Now, usually you'd have a pair, so let's find
something to compensate...um.... (he picks up the wooden spoon from a
cheesecake Sam has just made. The cake mix still clings to the spoon, and he
licks it off casually.) Mmm. Yummy. Anyway, hold this. (Puts the spoon in
Sam's reluctant hand.)
(Sam looks at it uncertainly.)
LEGOLAS (laughing): I don't have the plague, Sam!
BB: This is Big Brother. Please turn on your television.
(Sam rushes to the TV and flicks it on. Reflected is J-girl in her studio.)
Hi guys. We've rigged the TV so that you can talk to us and we can
talk to you. Take a seat.
(Relaxed, Sam and Legolas settle on the sofa together.)
Well, it's obvious that you're still very good friends despite the
LEGOLAS: Tension? What tension? (Laughs nervously.): No, really, why should
we be? It won't be Sam's fault if he gets nominated to win, and he'll be
overjoyed and I'm not going to cry. We've been planning our vacation
together when we get out.
J-GIRL: You've just spent 3 months together, and you want to take a vacation
LEGOLAS: For sure. I can't get enough of this guy's company.
SAM: We're going to Mirkwood and the Lonely Mountain. I'm going to ask Frodo
if he wants to come, but I doubt he'll be able to travel, what with his
harem an' all.
J-GIRL: Five minutes, guys, five minutes. Then one of you will win a million
pounds, and Sam, you'll be able to see Rosie, and Legolas, you'll be able to
see Gimli and... Aragorn.
LEGOLAS: And Gorbag, and all the rest. Aragorn? Oh, Eru, he's probably
MARRIED by now! (Turns around. Sam is a little teary. Legolas hugs him
fiercely.) What's up?
SAM: I'm just so overwhelmed!
LEGOLAS: Me too, bud, me too. Boy, you've really had it rough in here,
haven't you? What with losing Rosie... and your Mr. Frodo... and being
knocked unconscious... and being half-drowned... and learning to swim even
when you didn't want to... and when you thought everyone forgot your
SAM: I don't like to think about-
J-GIRL: Sorry to interrupt, Sam, but I've just recieved confirmation of the
winner. Do you want to know who it is?
SAM: Oh, stop teasing and tell us!
(With great care and deliberation, J-girl opens an envelope.)
The winner of Lord of the Rings Big Brother 2001 is... Legolas
Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood.
and Sam burst into tears and hug. Then they get up and jump up and
down, giggling with glee. When they finally pull away, Sam is showing no
sign whatsoever of disappointment. He can barely contain his joy when
Legolas walks him to the door of the compound, and he steps outside right
into the arms of Rosie, with Frodo beaming behind her.)
Sam! Sam! Marry me tomorrow! Marry me tonight!
SAM: Rosie, I would marry you right this second if I could! Oh, look at me,
bawling my eyes out. I'm so happy.
Legolas is presented with 1000,000 pounds in cold, hard cash by a
beaming J-girl. He is still hyperactive with glee, but when faced with the
actual cash he sobers up.)
Can I just have five minutes?
J-GIRL: Whatever for?
LEGOLAS: Trust me, I've been planning this for a week.
later, Legolas walks out of the compound and into the walkway
on his way to the stadium. The first person he meets is Sam again.)
LEGOLAS: Oh, hello again! I still can't believe I won! Here- gift.
(Throws a wad of notes at Sam.)
no, no, I can't take this.
LEGOLAS: You can and you will. It took me ages to count that out! Come on.
an arm around Sam's shoulder, and they continue their way toward
the stadium. A few metres on, Pippin rushes out and nearly knocks Legolas
You won! You won! And oh- did you miss me?
LEGOLAS: I sure did, Pip. (Gives him a bundle of notes) That's for being
such a good housemate.
walk on, until they meet Frodo, and again Legolas throws him a
pile of notes.)
not giving money to everybody, are you?
LEGOLAS: Mmm. Maybe.
meet the group is Aragorn. When he sees him, Legolas all but bursts
into tears, and they hug a long time. While Aragorn is occupied, Legolas
slips him some money in his jeans pocket.)
Oh, Eru, I missed you!
ARAGORN: Me too, Greenleaf. Don't you dare go on holidays with Sam without
me! I'm coming too!
LEGOLAS: Consider it a deal.
one, the housemates run out to greet Legolas, in order of eviction-
Gorbag, Merry, Gollum, Eowyn, Elrond, Bombadil, Rosie, Bilbo, Celeborn,
Gandalf, Saruman and Faramir. To each Legolas gives a small bundle of cash.)
Frodo, after carefully counting his money): Frodo, there's...
there's 55,000 pounds here in my hot little hand. I think Legolas has gone
nuts. (Shouts ahead to Legolas): Hey, Greenleaf, have you lost your mind?
You gave 55,000 bananas to Smeagol?
LEGOLAS: Oh, maybe it's exactly what he needs. Don't be a bad sport,
MERRY: Well, you needn't have given money to the eight-day crew!
LEGOLAS: In a way they deserve it most. They didn't have time to get to know
me, they thought I was just nuts.
FRODO: I think we should have a song!
ARAGORN: Legolas, if it isn't too much, we wrote a lay about you when you
were in BB.
LEGOLAS: Oh, get out, you didn't!
ARAGORN: We did, Frodo and Merry and me. Wanna hear it?
LEGOLAS: Arrers, I'd love to.
Legolas was an Elven Prince
Whose taste in music made us wince
He entered the Big Brother realm
With Imladrisians at the helm.
were cool, his wit was keen
His shining hair afar was seen
He cooked, he cleaned, his heart was strong
No matter what new thing went wrong.
Um, actually, Legolas, we never got around to the last verse-
now we all go on our way
And where to next? He will not say
For all his cash he's handed out
To every housemate heareabout.
did you write that yourself?
SAM: I don't rightly know. It was like I was making it up.
LEGOLAS: Oh, guys, stop singing about me or I'm going to cry!
GORBAG: They aren't that bad, Legsie!
(The housemates come into the stadium where they are faced with screaming BB
groupies. To one side of the stage stands Thranduil, dignified and quiet.
Legolas runs over and hugs him tight, and as he pulls away, Thranduil
touches his eye for a minute. Then behind Thranduil a tall, thin girl with
fair hair comes up. In her arms is a little girl of about 2 years old, with
a t-shirt saying 'If you think I'M cute, you should see Daddy!'. The girl
hands the baby to Legolas, who throws his other arm around her and kisses
Gimli and Sam manage a 3-way glance, which isn't easy. They all
sit down except Legolas.)
All right, Legolas, it looks as though you have some explaining to
LEGOLAS: Um... this is my ex-partner Anatuviel, and this is our daughter,
Hallamerethien. Wave to the people, honey...
aside: 'Why does NOBODY tell me these things?' Gimli: 'I've known
Aragorn: 'Me too.'
Frodo: 'He told me.'
Sam: 'And me.'
Merry: 'Well, don't I just feel like Legolas' best friend now!' Aragorn:
'Oh, pipe down, he gave you fifty thousand pounds, how much more of a friend
do you want him to be?')
You say she's your ex-partner?
LEGOLAS: Well, you know, we were young and brash and things didn't work out,
that's all. Though I did have a few anxious moments when those Halflings
nearly busted our cover in the house. (Laughs.) But we do get along very
well, not just for Baby Greenleaf's sake. Oh, Eru, she's adorable! I could
just smother her with kisses!
attempt at it, then grudgingly gives the girl back to her mother
and sits down. Anatuviel and Thranduil go offstage.)
Wow, you certainly kept that one under wraps.
LEGOLAS: I had to, in a way.
J-GIRL: You had us all thinking-
LEGOLAS: Well, it wasn't a lie. I have batted for the other team in the
past, but I'm to all intents and purposes straight. I'll tell you this,
though, if Aragorn had stayed in the house any longer and gotten any cuter,
I think I may very well have jumped the fence for him.
So how are you feeling?
LEGOLAS: I feel on top of the world!
J-GIRL: Exactly how much money have you got left?
LEGOLAS: I think it's in the vicinity of 57,000.
J-GIRL: It's a far cry from the million you originally won.
LEGOLAS: Yes, well, I made up my mind weeks ago that if I was to win, that's
what I'd do with it. Some of the others could really use it more than I
could. Besides, they all had to live with me, every single one of them, so
they deserve it.
J-GIRL: I daresay it's the other way around.
LEGOLAS: No, I'm hideous to live with.
ARAGORN: Well, the problem was you were just too bloody perfect for your own
good! Everyone else couldn't keep up!
LEGOLAS: I failed more challenges than you, Aragorn. Three in fact. You
can't imagine how bad I really felt about failing the baby challenge when I
was the only housemate who actually had a child. I nearly broke my back
doing that bloody human pyramid thing, too. But I did teach Sam to swim. I
swear I'm gonna remember that as long as I live.
J-GIRL: How're you feeling, Sam?
SAM: I feel... I... I don't know what to say! I'm so happy. For Legolas and
J-GIRL: When's the wedding, Sam?
and clapping from the audience and housemates. Merry whistles
shrilly. Frodo stands up, goes over and gives Sam a hug.)
Well, what more is there to say? We're gearing up for the best party
ever here! And everyone is invited! (Cheers.) Now in the house, the
housemates were subjected to many challenges, most of them either physically
taxing, embarrassing or frightening. Hobbits swam, Wizards changed nappies
and Elves cross-dressed in a range of degrading and amusing challenges. But
there was one challenge in the house that everyone liked. One more time,
(Over the intercom comes the first few notes of 'The Macarena.')
PIPPIN: Oh! I love this challenge!
the housemates rise willingly and assemble for the Macarena.
Legolas and Aragorn are in hysterics of laughter.)
GORBAG: Come on, Gandalf, shake it!
(Gandalf looks disgusted.)
but Gandalf obliging does the Macarena, though one wonders where
Faramir and Eowyn learned THEIR version of it. Legolas runs offstage to
fetch Hallamarethien from Anatuviel, and dances her around the stage.
Confetti falls from the ceiling.)
Update: jussac girl is currently working on Big Brother 2. I wont put this on the site untill she has finsihed her work. To follow along and become a B.B. ADDICT follow the URL set out below.
Update(Feb 2002): J-girl has curruntly had to stop updating her BB2 thread. But Do Not Fear! For a lovely person called Brandy has been issued with the task of carrying on her good work untill she is able to return. And Brandy is doing a GREAT job.
Update(Feb 26th 2002): BB2 is finished! And now there is a copy of it on the site! Check out the new parody page with a link to BB2!